.flash of the past.
last week when i was at jeff's house, his mom brought out old pics of jeff and his niece and nephew. since then, his nephew has been bugging me to show him old pics of me. so i went thru several photo albums and pieced together what lil pics of me i have.
weird how people change. but still stay relatively the same.
it amazes me as i looked thru all the pics all the things (good and bad) i'd been thru and how much i've grown from all of it.
then i found a pic of eddie. i cut him out of it. not out of malicious intent, but because that part of my life is over now. it's weird how i can sum that 4 1/2 yrs up that way. i was happy. but things happen for a reason, i'm not bitter. but i don't miss him. i know it was the best thing to happen to me... God knows i tried to patch things up with him. but it was funny... when i'd try to make things work, no matter how hard i tried, the fact that i'd fallen out of love with him slapped me in the face and it frustrated me because i knew there was nothing i could do about it.
which then got me to thinking about how scary it is to get into another relationship. what makes me think this one will be any different? it makes me reflect on the reasons the last one ended... did i do it? did i try hard enough? did he fall out of love with me? can i do anything different with this relationship to avoid repeating the past?
i think that answer is yes. i've always been a positive person... i never let my doubts get the best of me. i guess that's why i jumped in heart first with jeff. and with my thinking this way, helps me to understand his extreme reluctancy to get involved again.
was this fear that i subconsciously have the same fear that made him hesitant? (i can still tell he's a bit hesitant still just because he's not as affectionate as he was in the beginning before he broke up with me. i REALLY wish he were. i miss that. but i can also tell he's gradually coming around.) all i can do is be here, let him know i care/love/want him, and show him how much i appreciate him. it's worked so far. but i know that he cares for/loves/wants me too.
this song sums up leaving the past behind and moving on the best...
(mizhellfire i dedicate it to you... :) maybe it'll help you when you need that extra "oomph", sweetie. *BIG hugs*)
Alone I Break - Korn
Pick me up
Been bleeding too long
Right here, right now
I'll stop it somehow
I will make it go away
Can't be here no more
Seems this is the only way
I will soon be gone
These feelings will be gone
These feelings will be gone
Now I see the times they change
Leaving us, it seems so strange
I am hoping I can find
Where to leave my hurt behind
All the shit I seem to take
All alone I seem to break
I have lived the best I can
Does this make me not a man?
Shut me off
I'm ready
Heart stops
I stand alone
Can't be my own
I will make it go away
Can't be here no more
Seems this is the only way
I will soon be gone
These feelings will be gone
These feelings will be gone
Now I see the times they change
Leaving us, it seems so strange
I am hoping I can find
Where to leave my hurt behind
All the shit I seem to take
All alone I seem to break
I have lived the best I can
Does this make me not a man?
Am I going to leave this place?
What is it I'm running from?
Is there nothing more to come?
(Am I gonna leave this place?)
Is it always black in space?
Am I going take its place?
Am I going to win this race?
(Am I going to leave this race?)
I guess God's up in this place?
What is it that I've become?
Is there something more to come?
(More to come)
Now I see the times they change
Leaving us, it seems so strange
I am hoping I can find
Where to leave my hurt behind
All the shit I seem to take
All alone I seem to break
I have lived the best I can
Does this make me not a man?
i'm getting sleepy. :)
weird how people change. but still stay relatively the same.
it amazes me as i looked thru all the pics all the things (good and bad) i'd been thru and how much i've grown from all of it.
then i found a pic of eddie. i cut him out of it. not out of malicious intent, but because that part of my life is over now. it's weird how i can sum that 4 1/2 yrs up that way. i was happy. but things happen for a reason, i'm not bitter. but i don't miss him. i know it was the best thing to happen to me... God knows i tried to patch things up with him. but it was funny... when i'd try to make things work, no matter how hard i tried, the fact that i'd fallen out of love with him slapped me in the face and it frustrated me because i knew there was nothing i could do about it.
which then got me to thinking about how scary it is to get into another relationship. what makes me think this one will be any different? it makes me reflect on the reasons the last one ended... did i do it? did i try hard enough? did he fall out of love with me? can i do anything different with this relationship to avoid repeating the past?
i think that answer is yes. i've always been a positive person... i never let my doubts get the best of me. i guess that's why i jumped in heart first with jeff. and with my thinking this way, helps me to understand his extreme reluctancy to get involved again.
was this fear that i subconsciously have the same fear that made him hesitant? (i can still tell he's a bit hesitant still just because he's not as affectionate as he was in the beginning before he broke up with me. i REALLY wish he were. i miss that. but i can also tell he's gradually coming around.) all i can do is be here, let him know i care/love/want him, and show him how much i appreciate him. it's worked so far. but i know that he cares for/loves/wants me too.
this song sums up leaving the past behind and moving on the best...
(mizhellfire i dedicate it to you... :) maybe it'll help you when you need that extra "oomph", sweetie. *BIG hugs*)
Alone I Break - Korn
Pick me up
Been bleeding too long
Right here, right now
I'll stop it somehow
I will make it go away
Can't be here no more
Seems this is the only way
I will soon be gone
These feelings will be gone
These feelings will be gone
Now I see the times they change
Leaving us, it seems so strange
I am hoping I can find
Where to leave my hurt behind
All the shit I seem to take
All alone I seem to break
I have lived the best I can
Does this make me not a man?
Shut me off
I'm ready
Heart stops
I stand alone
Can't be my own
I will make it go away
Can't be here no more
Seems this is the only way
I will soon be gone
These feelings will be gone
These feelings will be gone
Now I see the times they change
Leaving us, it seems so strange
I am hoping I can find
Where to leave my hurt behind
All the shit I seem to take
All alone I seem to break
I have lived the best I can
Does this make me not a man?
Am I going to leave this place?
What is it I'm running from?
Is there nothing more to come?
(Am I gonna leave this place?)
Is it always black in space?
Am I going take its place?
Am I going to win this race?
(Am I going to leave this race?)
I guess God's up in this place?
What is it that I've become?
Is there something more to come?
(More to come)
Now I see the times they change
Leaving us, it seems so strange
I am hoping I can find
Where to leave my hurt behind
All the shit I seem to take
All alone I seem to break
I have lived the best I can
Does this make me not a man?
i'm getting sleepy. :)