(no subject)

[vinylmonster]

as rarely as i find myself in these same physical states in such a literal sense (sitting in my room back in maine in my underwear listening to the newer mirah cd) well, i can truthfully and honestly say that i don't like it-a notion born almost solely out of frustration. being here and doing this, as it was often done throughout highschool, brings back all of the frustration and the painstaking minutes that were spent in front of a blank screen, making inane conversation and listening to the strokes with bated breath and cold sweat hoping and pining for something that was both necessary and eluding. bottom line, this is not me anymore, i've moved on and to come back to it is something defeating, almost self-destructive. let me elaborate: i do fully enjoy home in all respects, the warmth of my family, the comfort of seeing old friends and the overwhelming charm and quality of maine . . . but other than that, i'm not the boy that sat here in the past. granted, the frequency of repetition of the proverbial "the more you change, the more you stay the same" rings true in many cases, but i guess, i'm just not the same. i've grown and come to embrace all changes that knock me out of my comfort zone and throw me up against the wall, and to come here and to revert back to times where even the smallest of glares, a miscontrued coversational accent, or when even a mild frickative would send me into a reflectory mess of what i did wrong . . . well, as of late, it's come back to me. i've been overapologetic, i've been over-rational to the point of retracing every wrong step i've ever made thus enlarging the list of why i'm so socially defective. the bottom line is: that isn't me, THIS, what is happeneing at the current moment isn't me. I've rendered an edge for being socially shrewed, weeding out the crucial from the caustic or childish. that doesn't make me more or less loving or caring of an individual, i'm just fueled mroe by direction and hunger for the next day or the next project or the next goal. i, i honestly have to snap back into that and not grab the bull by the horns persay, but to grab the fucking bull by the balls and show him who's winning the bullfight. i have changed greatly to this point, and i have to keep on changing. i guess everything just borders the embrace of change, for i have changed greatly myself, and to stop the progression is not an option. as we walk blindfolded through life, as the fates place our hands and light those inner fires, we can do very little, but to take that leap of faith, a leap of going big or going home, well what is there to be lost. if i go big and it doesn't work out, then i'm going home and trying it again. i guess what i'm really trying to say is that,

hey you guys,
i'm 20 now

and on another note:
alas, it really was too good to be true