sleepless night
so its 12:06 am and i cannot sleep. theres so much on my mind, i dont know what to beleive or feel. i dont even know my own feelings anymore, its like they are all gone. i keep thinking about the past and the stupid things that i have done recently that i shouldnt have. i dont know what to think or say. i miss the old me, the way things used to be. i never used to get depressed like this. i just took everything day by day not worry bout things. now i think to much and dwell on everything way to long. and alcohol does not solve my problems, it only numbs the pain for a short while. yes i drink big deal, not a surprise to many. i dont care what you think of me. my decisions brought me to who i am today. and of course it led to depression and loneliness, i only wanted someone to understand me, care for me. not try and take advantage of me and take the only thing left i had to give, instead ive lost everything.. everything gone away from me. nothing is the same. i want my life back. i want to be happy. i want someone to love me for me. and not get frusrated with my actions which leads to fights. i hate fights. i get so upset beyond belief. but i cant help if i get confused or just afraid. ill be honest i am afraid of telling my feelings and being open. im afraid of peoples reactions. i hate it. i want a cure for this, i just want this to stop. everything to just stop and start over. the end.