ordinary life.
so what do you do when you have finally reached breakdown mode? is there an 800 number that tells you where to go from here? i always thought i was a grounded person, that i had my shit together and i could get through anything because i was strong enough. in all honesty, i have lied to myself all along. i moved, i started a new job in a field i know nothing about. i introduced my significant other to my family. i came close to maxing out a credit card on furniture and paint and curtains and such. i morphed into this person that i hate. i hate everything that has happened in my life. i want so badly to move into the future, but i am so afraid of it that i want to go back in time. my head is so badly fucked up that all thoughts crash together like an intersection with no traffic lights. i have no more energy. all i have is tears. i could sit here forever and waste away and i dont think i would even mind. i am sick all the time. i am depressed all the time. i never want to talk. i never want to listen. i dont want to go to work. i dont want to stay home, wherever home is. so this is heartbreak? this is what it feels like to die over and over? i hate getting older. i hate cancer and how it fucks up everything you have dreamt about. i hate the person it has turned me into. i hate time. i hate how it has taken so much sanity from me, so much energy. i hate how i have to wait for a week to get results from a cat scan and during that week, i have died a million times over. i hate time and how it makes you wait for the pain to subside. i hate everything and the people who do not understand. i hate watching the strongest, most meaningful person cry and still have enough faith to not give up. i hate wondering if this time next week, next month, next year will be the last time i see them. i hate how i have lost control, i hate how im depressed. i hate how i smile and pretend im okay because i have no energy to tell them how i really feel. i hate how i have to fight from crying 90% of the day. i hate how the person you gave your heart to, pulls their hand away from yours. my problem is, i just dont know how to walk away.