A Facade
Reality sucks so anything that takes me out of reality for a short while is very welcome right now.
I have yet to come to terms with the fact that my sister hates me. She can sit there and deny it all she wants, but the truth is, she hates me. And do you want to know my reason for WHY she hates me? Because she doesn't understand me. She doesn't, and she doesn't want too. I'm not a bad person. Sure, we all have our moments but she's always quick to judge me before hearing the real story.
She might love me, but I feel as if its out of obligation, and obligation only. Its' like..she wants me to BE her...and I'm not going to. She has her own life, and I have mine. If she can't accept that, should I be the one who goes around feeling guilty about it?? No.
What I don't understand about her is if somethings 'ok' for her to do, why does she have to criticize me when I want to do something similar? Like, she has a writing job online which is cool, cuz she gets to do what she loves. So, if I were to find something online that I like to do, wouldn't that be okay? According to her, no. So, what makes it okay for her to do something like that but not me??
I don't think she realizes how much she has hurt me these past few months/years. She says that I've always been the bitchy one, which in some cases was true. But she acts all high and mighty and that bothers me! She isn't perfect, so why act like she is??
A few weeks back, I had picked up my dad's old bible that he keeps in the entertainment center, just to read it. I wanted to know more about God and kind of try to discover more about myself and my faith (or lack there-of) and I didn't think that was wrong. Well, Denise walks by me, see's me reading it, and asks me why. So, I tell her. She looks at me and then says one of the rudest things I think she has ever said to me. She said something along the lines of "You aren't going to become one of those weird religious people who starts quoting things from the bible trying to convert me are you, because I don't need another Marshall (ex bf of hers) incident". I just looked at her, responded with some polite response, and then thought...why would she say that?? She doesn't want me changing her beliefs, so if I choose to believe in God, why would she even say something like that?! If I choose to follow Him, I'm not expecting her to choose that path, however, she could at least try and accept what I may very well end up doing.
I don't know...I wish we were closer. But we can't ever be if she doesnt realize or understand that she isnt always right when it comes to arguments between us. She paints me like I'm constantly the bad guy..but thats just not true. We are both imperfect ppl, and she needs to accept responsibility for her actions just like I do.
This kind of shit makes me really want to escape reality. It doesnt help that I can't seem to make anyone else around me happy either. Mom, Jeremy, Becca...Jalaine...Michael..It doesn't matter that I'm going thru hell, all that matters is that I'm not trying hard enough. Well maybe if everyone just fucking backed off they would realize that I'm not the same person anymore. They would realize that I'm depressed and they would realize that I'm not happy. I'm not...I try to be, but in the end, I'm not.
Sure, there are certain times when happiness does come back to me. Like, when I'm with Jeremy or when Mom and I have a really good day. That's awesome! But the unhappy times far outweigh the good ones. And lately, Ive been really feeling hurt by things Jeremy says. I know he doesn't mean to hurt me, and we had a really good talk a few nights back about things that we want to change in our relationship, which is awesome, but...well..IDK.
Take today for example. We were having a good time, went to Taco Bell a nd got some food. Everything was fine until I accidently spilled a little hot sauce in his car. I looked at it, grabbed a napkin and said "I'm sorry". And he just said "What the fuck dude" and was like..really mad at me. I told him that it was just an accident and he said "I know, but that doesn't mean I don't have the right to be pissed off" I'm like thinking "WTF IS YOUR PROBLEM"?!!!? I mean, they're called accidents for a reason, right? Its not like stain remover wouldn't get it out (because it did). I didn't even get to finish eating, he just started up the car and drove back home, anxious to get the stupid stain removed (or so I interpreted it that way). His stupid outburts really irritate me, because they hurt. I let his stupid remarks get the best of me and if I were to act mad at him that would piss him off even more, so I just have to stay silent. I love him, God knows I do, but man...sometimes he really is cruel.
Anyways, I guess I just needed to vent. If anyone wants to leave a comment, or an email, I'd welcome them with open arms. Love you all.
I have yet to come to terms with the fact that my sister hates me. She can sit there and deny it all she wants, but the truth is, she hates me. And do you want to know my reason for WHY she hates me? Because she doesn't understand me. She doesn't, and she doesn't want too. I'm not a bad person. Sure, we all have our moments but she's always quick to judge me before hearing the real story.
She might love me, but I feel as if its out of obligation, and obligation only. Its' like..she wants me to BE her...and I'm not going to. She has her own life, and I have mine. If she can't accept that, should I be the one who goes around feeling guilty about it?? No.
What I don't understand about her is if somethings 'ok' for her to do, why does she have to criticize me when I want to do something similar? Like, she has a writing job online which is cool, cuz she gets to do what she loves. So, if I were to find something online that I like to do, wouldn't that be okay? According to her, no. So, what makes it okay for her to do something like that but not me??
I don't think she realizes how much she has hurt me these past few months/years. She says that I've always been the bitchy one, which in some cases was true. But she acts all high and mighty and that bothers me! She isn't perfect, so why act like she is??
A few weeks back, I had picked up my dad's old bible that he keeps in the entertainment center, just to read it. I wanted to know more about God and kind of try to discover more about myself and my faith (or lack there-of) and I didn't think that was wrong. Well, Denise walks by me, see's me reading it, and asks me why. So, I tell her. She looks at me and then says one of the rudest things I think she has ever said to me. She said something along the lines of "You aren't going to become one of those weird religious people who starts quoting things from the bible trying to convert me are you, because I don't need another Marshall (ex bf of hers) incident". I just looked at her, responded with some polite response, and then thought...why would she say that?? She doesn't want me changing her beliefs, so if I choose to believe in God, why would she even say something like that?! If I choose to follow Him, I'm not expecting her to choose that path, however, she could at least try and accept what I may very well end up doing.
I don't know...I wish we were closer. But we can't ever be if she doesnt realize or understand that she isnt always right when it comes to arguments between us. She paints me like I'm constantly the bad guy..but thats just not true. We are both imperfect ppl, and she needs to accept responsibility for her actions just like I do.
This kind of shit makes me really want to escape reality. It doesnt help that I can't seem to make anyone else around me happy either. Mom, Jeremy, Becca...Jalaine...Michael..It doesn't matter that I'm going thru hell, all that matters is that I'm not trying hard enough. Well maybe if everyone just fucking backed off they would realize that I'm not the same person anymore. They would realize that I'm depressed and they would realize that I'm not happy. I'm not...I try to be, but in the end, I'm not.
Sure, there are certain times when happiness does come back to me. Like, when I'm with Jeremy or when Mom and I have a really good day. That's awesome! But the unhappy times far outweigh the good ones. And lately, Ive been really feeling hurt by things Jeremy says. I know he doesn't mean to hurt me, and we had a really good talk a few nights back about things that we want to change in our relationship, which is awesome, but...well..IDK.
Take today for example. We were having a good time, went to Taco Bell a nd got some food. Everything was fine until I accidently spilled a little hot sauce in his car. I looked at it, grabbed a napkin and said "I'm sorry". And he just said "What the fuck dude" and was like..really mad at me. I told him that it was just an accident and he said "I know, but that doesn't mean I don't have the right to be pissed off" I'm like thinking "WTF IS YOUR PROBLEM"?!!!? I mean, they're called accidents for a reason, right? Its not like stain remover wouldn't get it out (because it did). I didn't even get to finish eating, he just started up the car and drove back home, anxious to get the stupid stain removed (or so I interpreted it that way). His stupid outburts really irritate me, because they hurt. I let his stupid remarks get the best of me and if I were to act mad at him that would piss him off even more, so I just have to stay silent. I love him, God knows I do, but man...sometimes he really is cruel.
Anyways, I guess I just needed to vent. If anyone wants to leave a comment, or an email, I'd welcome them with open arms. Love you all.