Oliver's Army

Oct 19, 2011 21:33


12.

Two months had passed since his final conversation with Luke Snyder, and Reid continued to find himself reliving the words that had been exchanged between them. He’d never admit it to anyone, but he was ashamed of the way he’d behaved. He’d taken his own confusion and feelings of uncertainty out on Luke, someone who didn’t deserve to be treated with anything but kindness. Luke was a good man, someone truly special and he’d thrown away whatever it was that they could have embarked on because he was scared. Yes, Reid Oliver had been honestly frightened out of his mind by the way Luke Snyder had made him feel.

A couple of months ago, if anyone had asked, Reid would have told them that he was perfectly content with his life. He had his neurology wing, a seemingly endless supply of homemade goodies provided by Martha, an agreeable, if slightly snarky, camaraderie with his Chief of Staff, and a satisfying sexual relationship with a man he considered a friend. He wouldn’t have described himself as ‘happy’ exactly, but he was fairly satisfied. And then Luke Snyder had blown all his complacency right out the water.

Reid had tried to hide his inner turmoil from Scott, had tried to pretend as if nothing had changed. He had been careful to continue behaving in the ways he knew Scott expected. He’d made every effort to cover the fact that it wasn’t always Scott’s face he saw when they were in bed together and he’d attempted to stamp out the yearning he felt in his gut for something a little more passionate, a little less safe. For years, that word, “safe” had meant everything to him, but post-Luke, it had become like an albatross around his neck. He’d made a choice and it had most assuredly been the prudent one, but once he’d made that safe bed, he’d been forced to lie in it and wonder what he had given up.

But, Scott had known Reid for a long time, and, unfortunately, their arrangement quickly became collateral damage. Reid closed his eyes and sighed as he recalled their last conversation, a few days before Scott left for Afghanistan.

”Reid, this isn’t working anymore, is it?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, “ Reid had replied, hoping that his voice didn’t betray his anxiety.

“You’ve checked out of this thing we’ve had, my friend. I feel it every time I touch you…it’s like you’re somewhere else.” Scott sat down on the sofa and gestured for Reid to join him. “Please don’t insult my intelligence or a decades long friendship by pretending that I’m out of my mind here.”

Reid sat down, his right hand gripping Scott‘s shoulder while his left tapped a steady rhythm on his thigh. “I just…I don’t know what’s…I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry, just be happy.” Scott reached over and stilled Reid’s jittery hand, smiling at the old habit. “I knew weeks ago that something…someone…had changed you, and I really tried my best to ignore it. I also tried to hate Luke Snyder. He’s young, he’s beautiful and he’s rich…and, to top it all off, he stole you right out from under me.”

Reid scoffed and rolled his eyes. “You’re clearly under the impression that there was more going on between Mr. Snyder and me than there was. For the most part, he was just a pain in my ass.”

“And I’m well aware that’s what you’ve been telling yourself, but I know you better than that.“

“Scott, I just…I can’t. I never wanted anything more than this and I don’t want to start looking for something else now.” Reid pulled away from Scott and bent down to cradle his head in his hands. “I don’t want this to end, I’m not ready. You know me, if you’re not here, I’ll probably just turn into some kind of man-whore, cruising the gay bars for one-night stands…an endless string of twinks and muscled pretty boys in my wake.”

Scott laughed, “Ahhh…so THAT’S what happens when I’m deployed…I always wondered how you got along without me.”

Reid lifted his head, a smile threatening the corners of his mouth. “Shut up, you goon. You know I’ve been faithful to you…although I can’t for the life of me imagine why.”

“It’s because you love me, Reid. You may have never said it, but I’ve always known it.” Scott sat back and blew out a long breath while he waited for his words to sink in to the otherwise brilliant doctor’s skull. “ You’re a good man, a loyal friend and…ahem…a fucking incredible lover, and you love me like the brother I never had.”

“Um…eww…brothers don’t usually do the kind of things we’ve been doing for the past few years.“ Reid blanched at the thought.

“Okay, okay, then let’s just say that you love me like the best friend I’ve always known you were…better?”

“I suppose I can handle that,” Reid quietly replied, “but, what exactly are you saying here? You’re leaving in a few days, so maybe it would be better if we just tabled this conversation until you get back? There’s no need to change anything right now.”

“I love you, Reid, that’s the God’s honest truth, but I’m never going to be able to give you any more than what we’re doing right now. No, the threat of a court-martial and a dishonorable discharge will no longer be hanging over my head, but between my father and the way it could effect my men after years of putting up this hetero façade, I’m not even considering coming out.”

Reid shook his head. “It doesn’t matter, we’ll just keep doing things the way we have been. It has always been enough for me, and…”

“Reid, it was always enough for you because you were too afraid to have anything more, but now I think you’ve gotten a taste of what it could be like to feel more for someone and that’s why you’re just not ‘here’ with me anymore.”

“But you’re leaving, you’ll be over there experiencing God knows what…this isn’t a good time, not when you could…” Reid stopped himself from saying what had never been spoken.

“You’re afraid that I won’t come back, aren’t you?” Scott asked softly. “Reid, that’s not a reason for you to put your life on hold. Your fierce loyalty is one of the things I’ve loved about you since we were 14 years old, but you and I ending the sexual part of our relationship is going to have no bearing on what happens over there. I’ll come back if I’m meant to come back, and you can bet that sweet ass of yours that my intention is to do just that. And frankly, knowing that you’re here, living a lie isn’t going to help me to focus on my job. What would help me is to know that you‘re happy…honestly happy, and not just some half-assed likeness of it.”

“But, I don’t want you going over there feeling like you’re all alone,” Reid almost whispered.

“Listen to me, you drama queen, I’m not going to feel alone. You and I? We’re connected, we’ll always be connected.” Scott turned Reid’s chin to face him. “I may not be fucking that delectable ass of yours anymore, but we’re a hell of a lot more than just that. I’m going to leave on Thursday knowing that my best friend is waiting for me when I get back.”

Reid leaned forward and touched his forehead to Scott’s. “I’ll always be here for you.”

Scott pulled back slightly and took Reid’s face in his hands. “Now, I have one more thing to say to you and then I want to hug it out and be done with this conversation.” Scott paused for a moment, as if unsure how to continue. “Reid, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that my selfishness has put your life on hold for the last few years. I’m sorry that because of my cowardice I’ve kept even our friendship a secret. You’re worth so much more than that and I’ve been a complete fuckwad.

Reid opened his mouth as if to speak, but Scott placed his finger over Reid’s lips to stop him. “I never wanted you to feel like I was ashamed of you…of who you are. The person I’m ashamed of is me, not because I’m gay, but because I’m weak. So, from here on out, you and I are friends…and not just behind closed doors. And so, I am booking your friend services for the day I get back. We are going to go out and grab a beer and maybe even a burger…in public, damn it. I may not be ready to tell people that I’m gay…hell, that day may never come…but I’ll be damned if I’m going to keep pretending that I don’t have the best friend anyone could ask for.

Okay, that‘s that. I‘m done talking about feelings and shit. Now stand up and give me a hug.”

Both men stood and Reid wrapped his arms around the waist of his best friend, while Scott’s arms wrapped around Reid’s shoulders.

Reid buried his face into Scott‘s neck and smiled. “Okay, no more talking…but how about if you fuck this delectable ass of mine one last time. That seems like a fitting send-off, don‘t you think?”

“Oh God, you really are a whore, aren’t you? Just promise me no gay bars when I’m gone?”

ooOoo

Reid had moped for a good week after that, mourning the end of a part of his life and missing the close proximity of his best friend. He’d been crankier than usual at work, making nurses cry and berating his less-intelligent colleagues, which apparently caused Joseph to enlist Martha’s help in soothing the savage beast. The older woman had shown up at his office, a basket of fresh baked muffins in hand after a particularly shit morning.

“So, I hear someone’s been acting out again. Come over here to the sofa and sit next to Mama Martha and tell her what’s wrong.”

“He didn’t have to call in the big guns,” Reid harrumphed, “I’m not a child.”

“Oh, I know very well that you’re not a child, dear, but I also know that you can act like one when someone has shit in your sandbox. Now, I’m going to guess that this days-long tantrum of yours has something to do with a certain deployed major?”

Reid’s eyes flew wide open and he fought the urge to jump up and run from the room. “I don’t know what you’re babbling about. You must be…I’m not…did you hit your head?”

Patting Reid’s leg, Martha chuckled. “Now you and I know perfectly well that I’ve done no such thing. Let’s just cut to the chase, shall we?” At Reid’s reluctant nod, she continued. “Here’s what I know to be true…for years, you have been carrying on a secret entanglement with the terribly dashing Major Scott Singleton, said Major is currently in Afghanistan and you, my friend, are behaving like a bear with a thorn in his paw. Now, somewhere in the middle of all this sits a certain Luke Snyder, I would be willing to wager. How am I doing so far?”

Shaking his head, Reid cast her a bitter smile. “Well, I’m so glad that you’ve been nosing around in my private life, you meddling old…”

“A…a…a, Reid, you will watch your tongue with me or these muffins will be set on that nurses’ station out there so fast your head will spin.” Martha lifted the basket from her lap and slowly waved it in front of Reid. “By the way…smell that? That’s right, they’re pumpkin, your favorite.”

“Agh, you temptress, you lure me with your sweet ambrosia and I’m supposed to whisper my secrets in your ear?” Grabbing for a muffin, Reid laughed. “You know me too well. Let me taste one and I’ll decide if they’re worth my laying myself bare at your feet.”

Smacking Reid’s hand away, Martha pulled a muffin from the basket and broke off one bite-sized piece. “You may have a bite, but that is all you’ll get if you keep pretending like there’s nothing going on with you, my sweet boy.”

Reid popped the morsel into his mouth and laid back on the sofa with a loud groan. “Mmm…fine, you’ve got me. There is hardly anything I wouldn’t do for the rest of that muffin. What is it exactly that you want to know?”

Smiling a bright victory smile, Martha pulled Reid up from his reclining position. “Well, I honestly don’t need you to confirm what I’ve already said, those are things I know to be true. However, what I don’t know is how you feel about those things, and where exactly our young Luke fits in.”

“Okay fine, yes, Scott and I have been fu…engaging in a secret affair for the last few years. That always worked just fine for me, as I had no desire for anything more than that…my needs were being perfectly met. Then Luke Snyder comes along with his blinding smile and his floppy hair and that bouncing on his toes with his hands in his pocket thing he does when he’s excited about something and his annoyingly intrusive questions and his…well, I think you’re getting the picture here.”

Martha nodded her head in understanding, her eyes full of empathy. “Oh, yes, I do believe I’m getting a very accurate picture here. So, in a nutshell, you and Scott stopped working, Scott went to Afghanistan, and you’re in love with Luke Snyder.”

Reid jumped up from the sofa. “Good God woman, talk about going from 0 to 60! Who said anything about love?”

“You did, Reid, you just didn’t say it in those exact words. Now sit your behind back down here and let‘s figure out what you‘re going to do about it.”

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