Wooing Hermione Parody.... *Updated*
And suddenly, out of nowhere, Sirius Black appeared, falling to the floor in the middle of the common room as if from a great height, even though he had appeared only a foot above the floor. He jumped up, wand out as if in the middle of a battle, when he realized he was in the Gryffindor common room.
"Sirius!!!" Harry shouted, rushing over and hugging him fiercely.
Sirius appeared totally confused, as he looked around the room at Hermione, backed in the corner, surrounded by pretty much every man he knew.
"Hello, Harry, Hermione, Ron, Remus!, Snivellous, both of you Malfoys, Neville, Fred, George, and... is that... who are you?" he asked of the strangely dressed young man furthest across from him.
"I am Tom Riddle" the young man replied. "I have come here from the past to woo Hermione."
"Ohhhhhhh." Sirius replied, catching on as to why Hermione was looking around like a caged animal. "Is that what this is? We're all fighting over Hermione? Well, then, I would like to throw my hat into the ring, so to speak. Trust me, darling girl, I would make it...completely worth your while." He grinned rakishly as he shook his hair out of his eyes in a most alluring manner.
"Oy!" Ron shouted, towards Hermione. "You can't be fucking serious!"
"Why not?" Sirius chuckled in reply, returning his wand to his jacket. "She could be fucking Sirius all night long, and she would enjoy every second of it." and his bark-like laugh rang across the room, causing the commotion his sudden return from the Veil had interrupted, to begin again at an even louder octave.
They barely noticed the portrait swinging open as Nymphadora Tonks fell through into the room. Hermione looked relieved to have another female present, that is, until Tonks caught on to the situation.
"Oy, wotcher, Hermione." she giggled, "I am sure I would know how you liked it much better than any of these blokes here. Not to mention, being a metamorphagus, it's not just my hair I can transform.." she gestured down towards her waist suggestively.
Hermione gasped, her hand covering her mouth in surprise, as the eyes of Remus Lupin practically goggled out of his head.
"Now see here, Hermione." Remus said loudly "We could make a sweet and humble life together, with a huge library, shared tales of wrangling our mischievous friends, while sharing cocoa in front of the fire. Also, I can be quite the animal in bed, when it comes close to the full moon." He smiled warmly at her, hands spread out as if to offer all of himself to her.
"Is that really what you want? Sweet and humble?" Lucius Malfoy sneered, pushing Remus out of the way with his cane as he stepped forward. Remus growled low in his throat as the elegant older Malfoy continued, "I can give you anything your heart desires, and look at me, girl, I'm gorgeous. Imagine the beautiful children I would father.... I am sure they'd turn out better than he did-" Lucius jerked his thumb in Draco's direction.
Draco Malfoy saw this as his moment to pipe in with, "Right, Father, but you're too OLD. I could produce offspring just as beautiful and still be alive long enough to help her RAISE them, and all with my inheritance from you! Think of it, Mud-I mean, Hermione, our life would never be dull with us always going at each other."
"Enough, Malfoy!" Harry shouted, and Draco flinched, which is where Severus Snape interjected, in his silkiest and slowest drawl, "Yes, indeed, Potter, that will be quite enough from all of you." His black eyes turned to Hermione, as he crossed his arms over his chest, "Miss Granger, I can honestly tell you that you and I are the most intelligent people in this room, and we therefore belong together." Severus raised one eyebrow as he continued, "I am sure I can more than adequately satisfy any need of yours. And wouldn't you love this sinuous baritone of mine rumbling into your ear every night?" He smirked as he finished, running one long finger across his bottom lip as he stared deep into her eyes.
"Oh, get off it, you big bat" Fred interjected, breaking Snape's attempt to read Hermione's thoughts, "Really, now, Hermione" George continued. "With us, you get all the fun-"
"And twice the husbands!" Fred finished, raising his eyebrows suggestively. Both twins waved their hands about themselves, implying that two would be much more fun than just one.
"Twice the headache, more like it." Ron snarled.
"Now, now, Ronniekins" George soothed, "Don't be upset just because you're not man enough for her..."
"Not man enough!" Ron exclaimed angrily, His face as red as his hair, "I don't even understand what you're all even DOING here!!! None of you have EVER shown interest in Hermione before this, and in case you haven't been paying ATTENTION for the last SEVEN years, she and I are fated for one another!!!"
While Ron was shouting, Neville had simply walked behind him, closer to Hermione and smiled at her.
"Hermione, I would like for you to be mine." He said sweetly, handing her a pretty pink flower that he had grown himself.
And the room exploded again, as none of the other men (or Tonks) were willing to be bested by Neville Longbottom.
With all the shouting, not one of them heard or noticed Ginny Weasley make her way down the stairs into the common room. She glanced around, and in a flash, had screamed "Expeliarmus!" as the wand of the young Tom Riddle flew into her hand and the body of the wizard fell to the floor. She slammed her foot into his chest and held her wand to his throat.
The men (and Tonks) all stopped shouting and gaped at Ginny, whose chest was heaving and a look of all encompassing loathing etched on her face.
"I should kill you, right here, Tom Riddle, you bastard." She seethed.
No one in the room made a move to argue with her, if anyone had a right to kill him, she did. It was Ginny, after all, that had been possessed by him and taken into the Chamber of Secrets where he had planned to leave her to die.
"Petrificus Totalus." She cast the hex, and whipped her head to find Harry in the room. "Love, come here." she beckoned.
Harry immediately was at her side, his hand sliding into her hair as he pressed his forehead against hers.
"If we kill him, here, at this age, he won't be able to go back to his own time and kill your parents, he won't come to power." She said to him softly.
"But one of us would have to cast the curse, I wouldn't want you to have to do it, and..." Harry trailed off, looking deep into her eyes as if to convey that he wasn't sure he could kill the young man who would grow up to become Voldemort. "And in his own time, he's already made some of the horcruxes, I'm not sure if he'd even really die."
Ginny smiled at the love of her life, glad he wasn't playing into the room full of morons fighting over Hermione.
"We'll take him to McGonagall." She stated.
Harry grinned at the immobilized face of his enemy, "We'll have her give him over to the Dementors right in her office. So we can witness it ourselves."
"Care for a nice, cold smooch, Riddle?" Ginny taunted, as Harry cast "mobilicorpus" and Riddle's body floated ahead of them through the portrait hole, bumping the frame with his head.
"Whoops," Harry smirked, as Ginny giggled.
The second the portrait closed behind him, Lucius Malfoy let out a loud chuckle.
"Sirius!!!" Harry shouted, rushing over and hugging him fiercely.
Sirius appeared totally confused, as he looked around the room at Hermione, backed in the corner, surrounded by pretty much every man he knew.
"Hello, Harry, Hermione, Ron, Remus!, Snivellous, both of you Malfoys, Neville, Fred, George, and... is that... who are you?" he asked of the strangely dressed young man furthest across from him.
"I am Tom Riddle" the young man replied. "I have come here from the past to woo Hermione."
"Ohhhhhhh." Sirius replied, catching on as to why Hermione was looking around like a caged animal. "Is that what this is? We're all fighting over Hermione? Well, then, I would like to throw my hat into the ring, so to speak. Trust me, darling girl, I would make it...completely worth your while." He grinned rakishly as he shook his hair out of his eyes in a most alluring manner.
"Oy!" Ron shouted, towards Hermione. "You can't be fucking serious!"
"Why not?" Sirius chuckled in reply, returning his wand to his jacket. "She could be fucking Sirius all night long, and she would enjoy every second of it." and his bark-like laugh rang across the room, causing the commotion his sudden return from the Veil had interrupted, to begin again at an even louder octave.
They barely noticed the portrait swinging open as Nymphadora Tonks fell through into the room. Hermione looked relieved to have another female present, that is, until Tonks caught on to the situation.
"Oy, wotcher, Hermione." she giggled, "I am sure I would know how you liked it much better than any of these blokes here. Not to mention, being a metamorphagus, it's not just my hair I can transform.." she gestured down towards her waist suggestively.
Hermione gasped, her hand covering her mouth in surprise, as the eyes of Remus Lupin practically goggled out of his head.
"Now see here, Hermione." Remus said loudly "We could make a sweet and humble life together, with a huge library, shared tales of wrangling our mischievous friends, while sharing cocoa in front of the fire. Also, I can be quite the animal in bed, when it comes close to the full moon." He smiled warmly at her, hands spread out as if to offer all of himself to her.
"Is that really what you want? Sweet and humble?" Lucius Malfoy sneered, pushing Remus out of the way with his cane as he stepped forward. Remus growled low in his throat as the elegant older Malfoy continued, "I can give you anything your heart desires, and look at me, girl, I'm gorgeous. Imagine the beautiful children I would father.... I am sure they'd turn out better than he did-" Lucius jerked his thumb in Draco's direction.
Draco Malfoy saw this as his moment to pipe in with, "Right, Father, but you're too OLD. I could produce offspring just as beautiful and still be alive long enough to help her RAISE them, and all with my inheritance from you! Think of it, Mud-I mean, Hermione, our life would never be dull with us always going at each other."
"Enough, Malfoy!" Harry shouted, and Draco flinched, which is where Severus Snape interjected, in his silkiest and slowest drawl, "Yes, indeed, Potter, that will be quite enough from all of you." His black eyes turned to Hermione, as he crossed his arms over his chest, "Miss Granger, I can honestly tell you that you and I are the most intelligent people in this room, and we therefore belong together." Severus raised one eyebrow as he continued, "I am sure I can more than adequately satisfy any need of yours. And wouldn't you love this sinuous baritone of mine rumbling into your ear every night?" He smirked as he finished, running one long finger across his bottom lip as he stared deep into her eyes.
"Oh, get off it, you big bat" Fred interjected, breaking Snape's attempt to read Hermione's thoughts, "Really, now, Hermione" George continued. "With us, you get all the fun-"
"And twice the husbands!" Fred finished, raising his eyebrows suggestively. Both twins waved their hands about themselves, implying that two would be much more fun than just one.
"Twice the headache, more like it." Ron snarled.
"Now, now, Ronniekins" George soothed, "Don't be upset just because you're not man enough for her..."
"Not man enough!" Ron exclaimed angrily, His face as red as his hair, "I don't even understand what you're all even DOING here!!! None of you have EVER shown interest in Hermione before this, and in case you haven't been paying ATTENTION for the last SEVEN years, she and I are fated for one another!!!"
While Ron was shouting, Neville had simply walked behind him, closer to Hermione and smiled at her.
"Hermione, I would like for you to be mine." He said sweetly, handing her a pretty pink flower that he had grown himself.
And the room exploded again, as none of the other men (or Tonks) were willing to be bested by Neville Longbottom.
With all the shouting, not one of them heard or noticed Ginny Weasley make her way down the stairs into the common room. She glanced around, and in a flash, had screamed "Expeliarmus!" as the wand of the young Tom Riddle flew into her hand and the body of the wizard fell to the floor. She slammed her foot into his chest and held her wand to his throat.
The men (and Tonks) all stopped shouting and gaped at Ginny, whose chest was heaving and a look of all encompassing loathing etched on her face.
"I should kill you, right here, Tom Riddle, you bastard." She seethed.
No one in the room made a move to argue with her, if anyone had a right to kill him, she did. It was Ginny, after all, that had been possessed by him and taken into the Chamber of Secrets where he had planned to leave her to die.
"Petrificus Totalus." She cast the hex, and whipped her head to find Harry in the room. "Love, come here." she beckoned.
Harry immediately was at her side, his hand sliding into her hair as he pressed his forehead against hers.
"If we kill him, here, at this age, he won't be able to go back to his own time and kill your parents, he won't come to power." She said to him softly.
"But one of us would have to cast the curse, I wouldn't want you to have to do it, and..." Harry trailed off, looking deep into her eyes as if to convey that he wasn't sure he could kill the young man who would grow up to become Voldemort. "And in his own time, he's already made some of the horcruxes, I'm not sure if he'd even really die."
Ginny smiled at the love of her life, glad he wasn't playing into the room full of morons fighting over Hermione.
"We'll take him to McGonagall." She stated.
Harry grinned at the immobilized face of his enemy, "We'll have her give him over to the Dementors right in her office. So we can witness it ourselves."
"Care for a nice, cold smooch, Riddle?" Ginny taunted, as Harry cast "mobilicorpus" and Riddle's body floated ahead of them through the portrait hole, bumping the frame with his head.
"Whoops," Harry smirked, as Ginny giggled.
The second the portrait closed behind him, Lucius Malfoy let out a loud chuckle.