graduation day continued
Not everyone will be able to view the first entry.. I realized how dark it got and frankly I don't want people to see my violent side.
Let me quickly summerize what I wrote.
I have an evil roommate. She talks a lot of shit about people here, and those people smile and sit next to her. She talks a lot of shit about people she knows...and I think those people don't really exist and she's just talking about herself. She is big...not a little big but morbidly obese. Yet she complains of large people, and is annoyed by their rolls hanging out of clothing which is exactly what she does... She says everyone has BO but her (and our room stinks to high heaven when she sweats... I just keep my mouth shut)
She makes a lot of comments about America and Americans...most of which show me what a fucked up view she has of us. She will call herself a liberal, but when you talk shop with her she is really a compassionate conservative. She's very passive agressive, and I think because I live with her I was her target. Also I've been very vulnerable on this trip. So, she'll say you can talk to me...and than when I open up she says "you need to get over being black"..things like that. I ask her to help me wake up, she doesn't...it's by the grace of the Creator I've been getting up every morning. However, more than once when I woke up unexpectedly I've caught her watching me sleep...knowing that I asked her to get me up.
She is also horrible about knocking though I've asked her to. She seems to like the idea of embarassing me... the other day when I was topless in bed (so HOT outside, and no air inside)she left the door wide open. I asked her to close it cause I was topless and she got an attitude. She has a messed up ankle and the rub she puts on the hoof is so pungent it chokes...not to mention the ice cream she put in her cabinet two weeks ago that I (yesterday) go ther to wash.
Ok... problems with the bitch.
But, I've been cool. She calls me bitch I let it roll off my back. She says something rude, I let it go. She talks shit about people for things she does, I politely agree or disagree depending on my stance and that is it.
So, the other day... I was naked. She had already left for school at least 20 minutes before. I had my door closed and Candace tried to come in. I ran to close the door and it was cool.. I answered her question (9:45am)
Than, the door swung open again. Again I ran to close it, and it was Courtney (suprise!) She kept screaming "It's MY ROOM" I told her to wait, let me put my robe on. She came in and called me a self righteous bitch. I lost it.
We began to cuss each other out. I finally said "I'm going to pray you away" to which she responded in her best impression of a black baptist church session...
her hand got too close to my face.. i came very close to doing something bad.
she finally left..after some time. I was fuming. I walked to school with Baseemah (my savior) and vented.... horrible things came out of my mouth..I was so mad. Baseemah later mentioned to me that my temper face is a little frightening...
I got to school and I was still angry...all she had to do was say one wrong thing to me... that was it...It was a month building of her jabbing me with words and me letting it go... but I didn't let it go, did I? i just let it build.
At lunch, a friend gave me a brilliant suggestion... "why don't you talk to JT? Just get it on record, so when she steps out of line and you hit her they know why"
I hadn't even thought of it. All my thoughts had been on how to muffle her screams..
So, I spoke to JT. JT was cool. He was very nice to me. He said he'd speak with her and if she did anything else to tell him. I was thankful, cause I don't like to be angry. I felt the situation was taken care of. Than I went to class...we had about 10min before it started and I wanted to at least go over the scene with Steve. Steve never seems like he wants to work, but I let it go. So, I get his attention and ask if he's ready..
he was like "what?" and I started lines and waited... he got such an attitude! I was shocked. The day before we'd done our scene for Misha. I was trying very hard but felt very dead inside. I knew what Misha wanted, but after working for a while I knew I wasn't emotionally ready...I had prepared myself differently today..I was trying to find real love for Steve and I got attitude.
He said he was pissed that I didn't keep going yesterday. I asked him why he didn't mention this when we were on stage. I would have kept going for him. Why didn't he mention this at dinner last night? Why now? JT aske us to move it into a private room. In the private room (7min before class) Steve told me he thought I was annoying, hated working with me, I was too intense, he didn't like my process (mind you Steve has never really worked with me because we've only worked together outside of class twice...both times I wasn't really in the mood but he was there so I did [side note: he also claimed to have a problem with the fact that both occasions -same week- when we worked i had A can of gin an tonic, less than 12oz. but i asked him when we started if it bothered him and he said no... i wasn't drunk nor did i get drunk...but he brought this up in the argument claiming i'm always drinking.. i get drunk less than him, he parties all the time... i thought this was manipulative but i as i said]... i will always work. If you ask me honestly will i be able to do something I won't lie, time is precious) Steve told me he had GIVEN UP. He did not believe we'd ever have another chance to go in front of Misha. But Misha had already told me we'd go today. I trust Misha, so I didn't believe we wouldn't have another chance.
than he said something he should not have said
he said "two professors have already mentioned it..why are you so SAD?"
Eariler in the week Misha Lubanov looked at me and said my eyes were so sad... I apologized to him.
Misha Mokahiv said the same thing.. I'm so serious.. so sad...why not joy?
I know why. This was a flood gate I don't think Steve meant to open, but with the fight I'd had that morning...and everything else... I started to weep. It just started coming out... I couldn't stop. God I tried, but I could not go into Misha's class in tears. It would disrupt class...and you don't do that here. I tried to calm down and a mystery friend (I don't want to name her) spoke with me. She said good words that I hadn't thought of. For me to not worry about Steve, he is being stupid. Don't internalize his bullshit. Feel my feelings. Let them burn if they burn. Be as you are. Don't let others hold you accountable for their problems. Stop drinking... it puts a barrier in between you and your feelings. If you are feeling something, don't drink.
I had never thought of it. JT came out and said Misha was looking for me. I cleaned up my face, and told myself I was going to pick the kids up from school (kids can't see you cry).
I sat in the room, and Misha had me do one improv. He wanted to do my scene with Steve, but I was in such a state. I would have done it, but he decided we should wait till tomorrow.
The next day, Steve showed up very late for class. We haven't spoken since the sadness question. The first scene Misha wanted to do was the scene between Steve and I. I had worked on it very hard, and was ready. I had rehearsed on my own, building love...desperation...
Steve wasn't there. We couldn't go. When Steve came back I got the feeling he hadn't prepared anything anyway. It's funny, had he not have been so mean we would have gone twice more. Yesterday was the last day of class. I was ok with not going... just watching Misha work is an honor. I learn so much from him. Watching the others act (especially Baseemah, damn she is amazing!)
sustains my hunger... Poor Steve sat next to me tight lipped like an old white woman returning fruit to the market. He sat in a pout pose..
When Misha gave us our notes (the irony!) he told Steve he hadn't seen enough of him. Misha told me my body works against me, I must believe in myself, I must trust myself...and build a vocabulary betwen my body and emotions..but I know where to go. He said, he knows I see it. During our group picture, Misha asked me to sit next to him, and he put his hand on my shouldar. I said thank you to him, and he gave me a look. I thought I'd cry from joy. I really think he understood me. The only one, this entire month. Baseemah is very close..but in terms of how I view art.. I think everyone but Misha thinks I'm a little off.
sidenote I want to remember. I was sitting not in first position for anything.. Steve was to my left.. Katie Mac to my right... and Katherine was in front of me...but Misha started notes with me.
He looked at me, and said.. Ok, Mona....
and he worked around the room from there. Again.. I'm crying. I'm very happy, and I feel understood. Steve who? Courtney who?
Let me quickly summerize what I wrote.
I have an evil roommate. She talks a lot of shit about people here, and those people smile and sit next to her. She talks a lot of shit about people she knows...and I think those people don't really exist and she's just talking about herself. She is big...not a little big but morbidly obese. Yet she complains of large people, and is annoyed by their rolls hanging out of clothing which is exactly what she does... She says everyone has BO but her (and our room stinks to high heaven when she sweats... I just keep my mouth shut)
She makes a lot of comments about America and Americans...most of which show me what a fucked up view she has of us. She will call herself a liberal, but when you talk shop with her she is really a compassionate conservative. She's very passive agressive, and I think because I live with her I was her target. Also I've been very vulnerable on this trip. So, she'll say you can talk to me...and than when I open up she says "you need to get over being black"..things like that. I ask her to help me wake up, she doesn't...it's by the grace of the Creator I've been getting up every morning. However, more than once when I woke up unexpectedly I've caught her watching me sleep...knowing that I asked her to get me up.
She is also horrible about knocking though I've asked her to. She seems to like the idea of embarassing me... the other day when I was topless in bed (so HOT outside, and no air inside)she left the door wide open. I asked her to close it cause I was topless and she got an attitude. She has a messed up ankle and the rub she puts on the hoof is so pungent it chokes...not to mention the ice cream she put in her cabinet two weeks ago that I (yesterday) go ther to wash.
Ok... problems with the bitch.
But, I've been cool. She calls me bitch I let it roll off my back. She says something rude, I let it go. She talks shit about people for things she does, I politely agree or disagree depending on my stance and that is it.
So, the other day... I was naked. She had already left for school at least 20 minutes before. I had my door closed and Candace tried to come in. I ran to close the door and it was cool.. I answered her question (9:45am)
Than, the door swung open again. Again I ran to close it, and it was Courtney (suprise!) She kept screaming "It's MY ROOM" I told her to wait, let me put my robe on. She came in and called me a self righteous bitch. I lost it.
We began to cuss each other out. I finally said "I'm going to pray you away" to which she responded in her best impression of a black baptist church session...
her hand got too close to my face.. i came very close to doing something bad.
she finally left..after some time. I was fuming. I walked to school with Baseemah (my savior) and vented.... horrible things came out of my mouth..I was so mad. Baseemah later mentioned to me that my temper face is a little frightening...
I got to school and I was still angry...all she had to do was say one wrong thing to me... that was it...It was a month building of her jabbing me with words and me letting it go... but I didn't let it go, did I? i just let it build.
At lunch, a friend gave me a brilliant suggestion... "why don't you talk to JT? Just get it on record, so when she steps out of line and you hit her they know why"
I hadn't even thought of it. All my thoughts had been on how to muffle her screams..
So, I spoke to JT. JT was cool. He was very nice to me. He said he'd speak with her and if she did anything else to tell him. I was thankful, cause I don't like to be angry. I felt the situation was taken care of. Than I went to class...we had about 10min before it started and I wanted to at least go over the scene with Steve. Steve never seems like he wants to work, but I let it go. So, I get his attention and ask if he's ready..
he was like "what?" and I started lines and waited... he got such an attitude! I was shocked. The day before we'd done our scene for Misha. I was trying very hard but felt very dead inside. I knew what Misha wanted, but after working for a while I knew I wasn't emotionally ready...I had prepared myself differently today..I was trying to find real love for Steve and I got attitude.
He said he was pissed that I didn't keep going yesterday. I asked him why he didn't mention this when we were on stage. I would have kept going for him. Why didn't he mention this at dinner last night? Why now? JT aske us to move it into a private room. In the private room (7min before class) Steve told me he thought I was annoying, hated working with me, I was too intense, he didn't like my process (mind you Steve has never really worked with me because we've only worked together outside of class twice...both times I wasn't really in the mood but he was there so I did [side note: he also claimed to have a problem with the fact that both occasions -same week- when we worked i had A can of gin an tonic, less than 12oz. but i asked him when we started if it bothered him and he said no... i wasn't drunk nor did i get drunk...but he brought this up in the argument claiming i'm always drinking.. i get drunk less than him, he parties all the time... i thought this was manipulative but i as i said]... i will always work. If you ask me honestly will i be able to do something I won't lie, time is precious) Steve told me he had GIVEN UP. He did not believe we'd ever have another chance to go in front of Misha. But Misha had already told me we'd go today. I trust Misha, so I didn't believe we wouldn't have another chance.
than he said something he should not have said
he said "two professors have already mentioned it..why are you so SAD?"
Eariler in the week Misha Lubanov looked at me and said my eyes were so sad... I apologized to him.
Misha Mokahiv said the same thing.. I'm so serious.. so sad...why not joy?
I know why. This was a flood gate I don't think Steve meant to open, but with the fight I'd had that morning...and everything else... I started to weep. It just started coming out... I couldn't stop. God I tried, but I could not go into Misha's class in tears. It would disrupt class...and you don't do that here. I tried to calm down and a mystery friend (I don't want to name her) spoke with me. She said good words that I hadn't thought of. For me to not worry about Steve, he is being stupid. Don't internalize his bullshit. Feel my feelings. Let them burn if they burn. Be as you are. Don't let others hold you accountable for their problems. Stop drinking... it puts a barrier in between you and your feelings. If you are feeling something, don't drink.
I had never thought of it. JT came out and said Misha was looking for me. I cleaned up my face, and told myself I was going to pick the kids up from school (kids can't see you cry).
I sat in the room, and Misha had me do one improv. He wanted to do my scene with Steve, but I was in such a state. I would have done it, but he decided we should wait till tomorrow.
The next day, Steve showed up very late for class. We haven't spoken since the sadness question. The first scene Misha wanted to do was the scene between Steve and I. I had worked on it very hard, and was ready. I had rehearsed on my own, building love...desperation...
Steve wasn't there. We couldn't go. When Steve came back I got the feeling he hadn't prepared anything anyway. It's funny, had he not have been so mean we would have gone twice more. Yesterday was the last day of class. I was ok with not going... just watching Misha work is an honor. I learn so much from him. Watching the others act (especially Baseemah, damn she is amazing!)
sustains my hunger... Poor Steve sat next to me tight lipped like an old white woman returning fruit to the market. He sat in a pout pose..
When Misha gave us our notes (the irony!) he told Steve he hadn't seen enough of him. Misha told me my body works against me, I must believe in myself, I must trust myself...and build a vocabulary betwen my body and emotions..but I know where to go. He said, he knows I see it. During our group picture, Misha asked me to sit next to him, and he put his hand on my shouldar. I said thank you to him, and he gave me a look. I thought I'd cry from joy. I really think he understood me. The only one, this entire month. Baseemah is very close..but in terms of how I view art.. I think everyone but Misha thinks I'm a little off.
sidenote I want to remember. I was sitting not in first position for anything.. Steve was to my left.. Katie Mac to my right... and Katherine was in front of me...but Misha started notes with me.
He looked at me, and said.. Ok, Mona....
and he worked around the room from there. Again.. I'm crying. I'm very happy, and I feel understood. Steve who? Courtney who?