(no subject)
tonight i feel strangely at peace.
my friend rebecca came over after a slightly disastrous date and we had a spinster moan. i finally got out all my boy agonies. it was such a relief to just get everything out. now it's out of me everything seems so much easier. seriously, i think verbalizing it made me realise how it all really isn't as big a deal as i seem to have convinced myself over the last week or so.
i alluded to my issues with intimacy a few times and when she asked i told her about being raped. not how or why but when and who and most importantly how it affected me, how it affects me now.
i've told three friends now and this is the first time i've actually had a proper conversation about it. where i sat and she sat and i just talked it out. not wanting to be touched, wanting to be loved but not wanting intimacy, the anger and the hatred and not wanting to be a victim. the frustration that it still affects me and my lack of control over it. getting upset about getting upset.
i feel...vindicated is not exactly the right word. relief? i feel lighter, almost. all those words that had gathered inside me, that have raced around my head the last year and a bit, are suddenly much lighter for the sharing. i had a few tears and that was ok. she understood and i love her for that.
at this moment i feel very sad. sad that he took so much from me and that i don't know how to get it all back.
right now i am just purely sad. i am not angry, or scared. i am just sad for me; i accept that what happened damaged me and i hope that one day everything will be ok but if it's not...i will deal with it i suppose.
i guess tonight is the first time where i have thought about it without anger or hatred. just a sadness for me that it happened, an acceptance that i cannot change what is past.
so even though i am sad i also feel at peace. i am not raging against him or against myself. and even through the sadness that is a good feeling.
my friend rebecca came over after a slightly disastrous date and we had a spinster moan. i finally got out all my boy agonies. it was such a relief to just get everything out. now it's out of me everything seems so much easier. seriously, i think verbalizing it made me realise how it all really isn't as big a deal as i seem to have convinced myself over the last week or so.
i alluded to my issues with intimacy a few times and when she asked i told her about being raped. not how or why but when and who and most importantly how it affected me, how it affects me now.
i've told three friends now and this is the first time i've actually had a proper conversation about it. where i sat and she sat and i just talked it out. not wanting to be touched, wanting to be loved but not wanting intimacy, the anger and the hatred and not wanting to be a victim. the frustration that it still affects me and my lack of control over it. getting upset about getting upset.
i feel...vindicated is not exactly the right word. relief? i feel lighter, almost. all those words that had gathered inside me, that have raced around my head the last year and a bit, are suddenly much lighter for the sharing. i had a few tears and that was ok. she understood and i love her for that.
at this moment i feel very sad. sad that he took so much from me and that i don't know how to get it all back.
right now i am just purely sad. i am not angry, or scared. i am just sad for me; i accept that what happened damaged me and i hope that one day everything will be ok but if it's not...i will deal with it i suppose.
i guess tonight is the first time where i have thought about it without anger or hatred. just a sadness for me that it happened, an acceptance that i cannot change what is past.
so even though i am sad i also feel at peace. i am not raging against him or against myself. and even through the sadness that is a good feeling.