turning 18
Turning 18 doesnt feel that different. I guess it's all in your head. I did a lot of firsts last night though...driving around at 1-3 in the morning, sleeping over at a friends house for the first time, going to Laguna for the first time. It was great. Laguna is gorgeous and perfect.
Last night was also the first time i saw how Alex is towards Rachel. He's so affectionate towards her. I remember after he got her little brother settled on his board on top of a hill, he ran down to Rachel and threw his arms around her and said "Oh my gosh you're freezing." It was like a scene out of a movie. Rachel called today and told me that she was caught offguard by me and Grant. She said we acted like friends and I guess it bothers me when people say that because it's supposed to be more. I always get one or the other...too much or too less and usually it's too less. I'm actually jealous of Rachel...of everyone who has the one thing that I want and I usually try so hard for and never fully get. It's stupid that I even try. It's not something you should try for...it should just happen. I'm really not hard to please. I don't expect so much because I'll only be disappointed if I dont get them, but sometimes I feel like I shouldn't feel bad to expect the things that Jen and Julie and Rachel and every other chick I know have had. I guess sometimes I feel like I'm just another accessory in his life and sure there's more behind it, but it's not that big of a difference and I feel like everything is working one direction and not both or maybe I'm just thinking too much and it's just me.
Anyways, Rachel's taking me out to dinner for my birthday. I leave for Europe in 8 days. My friends act like I'm not coming back. I feel so bummed out that I'm going. Then again over there is good, but here is good too. I wish I didn't have to miss out on one or the other.