i can't get no sleep.
my body is suffering.
although its been painful, its also been quite interesting to learn about this shell that my soul lives insides. for one, its very strong. no matter how much you're bruised and bleeding on the inside or how crazily your mind spins in every direction through fits of anxiety, your body is still going to rest itself, ask you to close your eyes, and wake you up in the morning. its still going to remain calm and attractive (at least in dim lighting) and its still going to breath sweet gulps of oxygen in and out...in and out.
sometimes you feel like you are actually incapable of dealing with emotions. or maybe its just me. but have you ever had so much pain or anxiety that your mind sort of swirls and you cannot sit or lay in ANY position because you immediately toss into another one? maybe its just me. maybe i really do have diagnosable anxiety. but there have been nights where i have been SURE that my body cannot physically handle the emotion that has churned itself into a tangible ball that's throbbing to be set free. but i have yet to encounter a night where my shell does not care for me. eventually it will close my eyelids over my eyes, slow my breathing down to steady, rhythmic patterns, and curl up into a protective ball.
but after 50 odd days of this, my poor body is suffering. i feel sort of like my blood and plasma and the 70% of water in my body have somehow absorbed the negative ions of my emotions and now they're angrily coursing through me. and as a result, my body would rather not eat all the time. from all of the positive/negative warfare thats taking place in my cells, my body has decided to give up 12lbs that it used to love dearly. and my body has decided that it does not need much rest.
hence, it is 4:30 in the morning.
my head had already hit the pillow, my eyes heavily closed, and my mind had already slipped into the dizzying fantasyland of my dreams, and then my body decided that one hour was enough. back to work.
i guess i really never thought about these awesome bodies of ours. just as our souls are meant to care for our shells by feeding them and washing them and keeping them hydrated (and fragrant), our shells must be meant to care for our souls while we're here on earth.
thats a lot of pain and negativity for our bodies and souls to encounter. i guess thats why we seek alternative mindsets and alcohol. sometimes it just really feels good to numb the pain and blur the edges.
sometimes its good to feel like that all the time.
i wonder if my body would prefer medication.
although its been painful, its also been quite interesting to learn about this shell that my soul lives insides. for one, its very strong. no matter how much you're bruised and bleeding on the inside or how crazily your mind spins in every direction through fits of anxiety, your body is still going to rest itself, ask you to close your eyes, and wake you up in the morning. its still going to remain calm and attractive (at least in dim lighting) and its still going to breath sweet gulps of oxygen in and out...in and out.
sometimes you feel like you are actually incapable of dealing with emotions. or maybe its just me. but have you ever had so much pain or anxiety that your mind sort of swirls and you cannot sit or lay in ANY position because you immediately toss into another one? maybe its just me. maybe i really do have diagnosable anxiety. but there have been nights where i have been SURE that my body cannot physically handle the emotion that has churned itself into a tangible ball that's throbbing to be set free. but i have yet to encounter a night where my shell does not care for me. eventually it will close my eyelids over my eyes, slow my breathing down to steady, rhythmic patterns, and curl up into a protective ball.
but after 50 odd days of this, my poor body is suffering. i feel sort of like my blood and plasma and the 70% of water in my body have somehow absorbed the negative ions of my emotions and now they're angrily coursing through me. and as a result, my body would rather not eat all the time. from all of the positive/negative warfare thats taking place in my cells, my body has decided to give up 12lbs that it used to love dearly. and my body has decided that it does not need much rest.
hence, it is 4:30 in the morning.
my head had already hit the pillow, my eyes heavily closed, and my mind had already slipped into the dizzying fantasyland of my dreams, and then my body decided that one hour was enough. back to work.
i guess i really never thought about these awesome bodies of ours. just as our souls are meant to care for our shells by feeding them and washing them and keeping them hydrated (and fragrant), our shells must be meant to care for our souls while we're here on earth.
thats a lot of pain and negativity for our bodies and souls to encounter. i guess thats why we seek alternative mindsets and alcohol. sometimes it just really feels good to numb the pain and blur the edges.
sometimes its good to feel like that all the time.
i wonder if my body would prefer medication.