The State of the Brunion Address

[vintage_fish]

Just needing to assess my present state.  I intend to keep this somewhat vague, as I am want to keep this post public.  Comments are permitted, but please note that not everyone that reads this knows all that's going on in my life, and it should probably stay that way for right now.

• I've been rediscovering myself; re-learning who and what I was, and am, and want to be.  This has been an incredible - and incredibly frustrating - adventure.  It's been incredible because I haven't really been "me" in a very, very long time, and over the last couple of months at least, I've been who and what I want to be most of the time, with a few major (and important) exceptions.  It's been incredibly frustrating because there are some significant hurdles that I need to cross and can't, and I don't know why.  I know I will, but I've lost patience with myself, and that's only making things worse, because the more frustrated I get the less able I am to reach the goals I want.  This, of course, makes me more frustrated - infinite loop.

• Work is spectacular.  I have learned so much from my boss recently....  I could not be happier in a job.  I hope this lasts a very, very long time. 

• The shoebox search I've been doing has become very fruitless.  I keep finding something, and then it goes to someone else.  Thrice now this has happened.  I am so completely at the end of my rope that I don't know what to do.  I can't hold on much longer.  And I don't have any idea what will happen when I slip off that rope.  All I know to do right now is to keep on as I've been doing.  But I really can't keep this up.  A few of you have mentioned that I'm strong....  I imagine you're right - no, I *know* you are - but I can only take so much, y'know?  Everyone has their limits, and I've met and exceeded most of mine. 

• I need - NEED - an emotional release.  I need to go somewhere, do something, where I can just break down into my most primal bits and scream into the wind and pound my fists into the dirt and lay my soul naked for all of Life to see.  I need to feel the things I have refused to let myself feel, process them, sort them out; feel parts of myself die and new parts come alive.  I need to go through each emotional event I've experienced these last several months and finally understand what each has done to me.  I know where I want to go, but I don't dare go alone - but there is nobody I'd be willing to allow to see me in such a state, except maybe suckswhen and she's too far away.  Further, the place I wish to go will be....  powerfully spiritual....  for me.  I don't think I could be comfortable experiencing the spirituality of the place in the company of others, but I also know that I can't be alone when I do this.  I don't know if I can pick up my pieces by myself or not.  As far as folks in the Bay Area go, there are two whom I trust, but I just don't think I want anyone to see me like that.  I DID have a bit of an emotional release last night (thank you - it was monumental to have that).  It was more or less the steam that made its way out of the kettle; I'm still boiling inside, but at least the pressure isn't as bad as it was.  I think.  I hope.

• My sleep is still jacked.  I've had a handful of six hour nights - and one eight hour night - but I'm still mostly sleeping three or four hours, sometimes five.  This is most assuredly NOT helping my emotional state, and I AM working on it.  Things have improved some; those six hour nights left me feeling almost human again.

• Too much has happened to me too quickly.  Some of it has been good, albeit too soon, but mostly, I've just been inundated with Really Bad Stuff at the very worst possible time in my life, and the crap just keeps getting piled on.  Thus the need for emotional release.

Minor good stuff:  I've lost 45lbs.  I'm working on new song lyrics, which I haven't done in many years.  It's not great, but hey, I don't care.  It's mine.  I've met a ton of new people recently, and most or all of them are simply awesome - a few are utterly incredible.  I hope I have the opportunity to get to know them further.  I've rekindled some old friendships that were precious to me.
I'm sure there's a lot more going on in my life, but there you have it; the State of the Brunion.  It's more than I originally intended to say to any of you that might be reading this; I'm usually a little more cautious than this about putting my soul on my sleeve (right next to my heart - crap!  I really meant to put that back in its drawer!).

And now I'm going to go for a drive.

Breaking News:
A new shoebox opportunity has *JUST* opened up.  I may take it.