he stopped loving her today
i haven't written in quite a long time. things have been very hectic, hence...
my grandfather passed away some three weeks ago, it was very unexpected and still expected in some sense. the night that he flatlined i had a dream that was very disturbing...it let me know what was coming. i dreamt that rob, amy, karl, stephanie, jacob, his brother jared, and i were all inside a townhome together. we watched out of a bay window at things you only hear about in the world...from the living room we watched starving children run the streets, war, holocaust, muggings, robberies...all the devastation you never really see first hand. minutes passed as we watched in awe, then suddenly all my friends started hidding our belongings and any distinguishable items. i helped, but i didn't know what we were doing all this for. all i remember is hearing them say in hushed tones, "he's coming."
we scurried down the hallway...the hallway full or doors and staircases, as we reached the end the door flew open: we all stared blankly, no one made a sound. as he turned, this man in all black doned a cowboy had and duster. his eyes were glazed over white. i knew he couldn't see us. silently we slipped into different rooms...different hidding spots. karl and i snuck down a spiral staircase. i laid at the bottom slowly slipping under the wirey stairs in sync with each step the man in black took...he spoke deeply, "did you really think you could get away?" karl was flush with the wall next to me...his eyes starring at mine, knowing the man was looking for me and not him. i sighed softly and in the wink of an eye...he had me by my foot holding me upside down and still face to face, "are you preston hill's grandaughter?"
i woke.
i knew then that he was gone. the veteran's hospital only managed to bring back his pulse...he was already gone. he died three days later. i think the family needed that time...but when i woke from that dream saturday night, my phone was ringing and my mother told me that he had flat lined...i knew he was not coming back.
upon later realizations that dream meant a lot, because all those people...who i just took as peers in the dream...were all friends who had seen death...i had not, until then. it was difficult, it still is difficult. but i feel selfish for feeling so sad. this is the first time papaw has known peace and it devastates me that he could not live to see or feel that...he does now. but i think about so many times i won't see his eyes or cowboy hat sitting on the kitchen table as he sips decaf coffee and talks about his girlfriends at the waffle house. he won't be there on my wedding day to do the soft-shoe and sing along to jonny cash, with redman in his jaw. i left a letter in his casket, with fifty cents tucked neatly into an envelope. i signed it, "for the ice cream and lollipops."
that same weekend we burried him in cowboy boots...jacob was at home moving. it was heartbreaking to say my goodbyes with out the most important person in my life there, however we all have sacrifices to make. we are now slowly making our new apartment home...i love it more than any apartment i've ever had. it's truly ours. things are gradually getting in order for the wedding...it's really sneaking up on me now. however i feel that everything will be taken care of in time...i'm enjoying every minute of it...these are times i hope to never forget.
my grandfather passed away some three weeks ago, it was very unexpected and still expected in some sense. the night that he flatlined i had a dream that was very disturbing...it let me know what was coming. i dreamt that rob, amy, karl, stephanie, jacob, his brother jared, and i were all inside a townhome together. we watched out of a bay window at things you only hear about in the world...from the living room we watched starving children run the streets, war, holocaust, muggings, robberies...all the devastation you never really see first hand. minutes passed as we watched in awe, then suddenly all my friends started hidding our belongings and any distinguishable items. i helped, but i didn't know what we were doing all this for. all i remember is hearing them say in hushed tones, "he's coming."
we scurried down the hallway...the hallway full or doors and staircases, as we reached the end the door flew open: we all stared blankly, no one made a sound. as he turned, this man in all black doned a cowboy had and duster. his eyes were glazed over white. i knew he couldn't see us. silently we slipped into different rooms...different hidding spots. karl and i snuck down a spiral staircase. i laid at the bottom slowly slipping under the wirey stairs in sync with each step the man in black took...he spoke deeply, "did you really think you could get away?" karl was flush with the wall next to me...his eyes starring at mine, knowing the man was looking for me and not him. i sighed softly and in the wink of an eye...he had me by my foot holding me upside down and still face to face, "are you preston hill's grandaughter?"
i woke.
i knew then that he was gone. the veteran's hospital only managed to bring back his pulse...he was already gone. he died three days later. i think the family needed that time...but when i woke from that dream saturday night, my phone was ringing and my mother told me that he had flat lined...i knew he was not coming back.
upon later realizations that dream meant a lot, because all those people...who i just took as peers in the dream...were all friends who had seen death...i had not, until then. it was difficult, it still is difficult. but i feel selfish for feeling so sad. this is the first time papaw has known peace and it devastates me that he could not live to see or feel that...he does now. but i think about so many times i won't see his eyes or cowboy hat sitting on the kitchen table as he sips decaf coffee and talks about his girlfriends at the waffle house. he won't be there on my wedding day to do the soft-shoe and sing along to jonny cash, with redman in his jaw. i left a letter in his casket, with fifty cents tucked neatly into an envelope. i signed it, "for the ice cream and lollipops."
that same weekend we burried him in cowboy boots...jacob was at home moving. it was heartbreaking to say my goodbyes with out the most important person in my life there, however we all have sacrifices to make. we are now slowly making our new apartment home...i love it more than any apartment i've ever had. it's truly ours. things are gradually getting in order for the wedding...it's really sneaking up on me now. however i feel that everything will be taken care of in time...i'm enjoying every minute of it...these are times i hope to never forget.