alone and asking
i have been dreading these ten days, like a plague of locust. not only because it would take me away from my beautiful studio down town, but because it would put me here. where it all began. for the next week and a half, i am house sitting for my parents who are off enjoying each other and the beaches of hawaii. this is it...this is what i have been waiting for, the other shoe to drop. i am alone. these walls are quiet and at night i can only hear the rustle of leaves synchronized to my heart beat. it's the first time i have listened in quite a while. for months, years maybe...i have kept busy and stayed social. it has helped to hide my own personal doubts. the truth: i am lost. i have been codependent for so long that i have forgotten what it means to live my own life. i know who i am, self identity is not the problem...it's the "what am i doing with my life?" that i have been running from. in the city its easy to forget. always something to do or someone to visit. each week of work, always just like the last. its steady. its predictable. its safe. but out here...with fields outstretching to fields its an abyss of silence. i have found myself not only listening, but asking. this isn't the life i wanted, but i keep making the decision to not change it. out of fear and comfort of what's known i stay stagnant.
a rut is a grave with no ends.
-a. lampkin
because of the divorce, i feel like i have started to change in such positive ways...that i cannot stop now. i will never become the woman i am meant to be, i will never complete this evolution if i cannot find the strength within myself to face this. its terrifying knowing that what's next for me won't be familiar. that i will be completely on my own. however, as my heart rate rises from anxiety, it also rushes with excitement. in all honesty, i have never had these thoughts or felt these emotions. i have talked the talk more times than i can remember. but, i have never felt it in my bones or been so consumed with the realization that these are my crossroads. this is my pivotal moment...i don't know where this road will lead me, all i know is that i cannot stay here any longer.
there been times i thought i couldn't last for long
but now i think i am able to carry on
it's been a long, a long time coming
but i know a change gonna come, oh yes it will.
-s. cooke
a rut is a grave with no ends.
-a. lampkin
because of the divorce, i feel like i have started to change in such positive ways...that i cannot stop now. i will never become the woman i am meant to be, i will never complete this evolution if i cannot find the strength within myself to face this. its terrifying knowing that what's next for me won't be familiar. that i will be completely on my own. however, as my heart rate rises from anxiety, it also rushes with excitement. in all honesty, i have never had these thoughts or felt these emotions. i have talked the talk more times than i can remember. but, i have never felt it in my bones or been so consumed with the realization that these are my crossroads. this is my pivotal moment...i don't know where this road will lead me, all i know is that i cannot stay here any longer.
there been times i thought i couldn't last for long
but now i think i am able to carry on
it's been a long, a long time coming
but i know a change gonna come, oh yes it will.
-s. cooke