A Memo From The Management
To: Dream Vince
Re: Recent Discrepancies
It has come to my attention recently that you, Dream Vince, have been participating, willingly or unwillingly, in clear violations of real-life policy, logic and decorum, and you are doing so while Real-Life Vince is asleep, and thus unable to take any sort of disciplinary action.
Beginning immediately, the following rules must be strictly followed at all times during any and all dreams.
1. However much fun it might be to make out with Jan Smithers, aka “Bailey Quarters” from WKRP In Cincinnati, it is a flagrant violation of Real-Vince’s marital status to do so. Also, it’s been almost 30 years, so she probably doesn’t look like that anymore.
2. We have an EXTREMELY lenient dress-code policy at this company, and yet you continue to violate said policy by appearing in public wearing underpants, and sometimes not even that. It is NOT APPROPRIATE to appear at luncheons, dinners, concerts, restaurants, senior-year English exams or any other public venue either in underwear or nude.
3. The reference in the previous statement to English exams brings up another point: Real-Vince graduated college in 1997; there are no further exams to take or classes to attend once that has occurred. Therefore, it is entirely illogical that there would be a sudden exam in a class you had somehow not attended all semester that would prevent you from gaining a college degree that you already have. We would suggest that, in the future, you simply do not repeatedly go back to the dorms or classrooms, as you are 36 years old and, as previously mentioned, already in possession of said degree.
4. A brief word about employment: The Record Bar/Blockbuster Music at Haywood Mall has not existed for about a decade. Unless you are interested in working at the “Thomas Kinkade, Painter Of Light” gallery that is currently in its place, there is no need to revisit that area of the mall, in dreams or, quite frankly, in real-life.
5. If we may expand further on the employment issue, despite the current stressfulness at your day job, it makes no sense for the bank to put a drive-thru window in your bedroom wall, and it CERTAINLY makes no sense for that bedroom to be the one at your mother’s house, as you have lived on your own for 16 years.
6. While tornadoes and plane crashes certainly do occur, it makes little sense for planes to suddenly start dropping from the sky in some sort of cartoonish, “they-all-ran-out-of-gas-at-the-same-time” scenario. And while tornadoes form relatively frequently, they are somewhat rare in this part of the country; also, it is somewhat doubtful that you could realistically expect to escape using your patented “Incredibly Slow Running” technique.
7. Finally, we feel compelled to create an “All-Encompassing Policy” forbidding the one dream where you are on a plane that is spiraling downwards into a tornado while running extremely late for a degree-clinching exam that you have to finish quickly before your shift at the record store starts, and you’re going to be even later because you have to go to Mom’s house to find and put on some pants. Please cease and desist immediately.
Sincerely,
The Dude That Probably Shouldn't Have Eaten Italian Food Two Hours Before Bedtime, For Many Reasons