(no subject)
i cant shake this feeling of awkwardness that ive felt for the past four months, ever since nicole ended things in the beginning of summer, ive felt so out of place. Ive been trying so hard to get past this point, i go out, i hang out with girls, i go on dates, but something always feels off. i dont think that’s its her that im missing, but rather i miss what we had, i miss the depth, the intensity, the comfort, i miss all the amazing times we had, and at this point im even being to miss all the bad times to. but im at a place where i want to move on and start again, and most of all be myself again, but whenever an opportunity arises i throw up my defenses and push it away. and the worst part of this is that i know exactly why im doing it but no matter how hard i try i cant stop. i know things will eventually get better, but i cant stand not being in control of my life, i feel as if im sitting back watching myself push these people away when i want to do is let someone in and be myself again.