L'esprit d'escalier, part 2
When I talked Part 1 through with my sweetie, I came up with another possible response, which goes to instincts of mine even older and deeper than my thinking about sex and body image: "I'm just not into making fun of the weird kids. But you're welcome to go right ahead." As with most nerds,the game of using mockery to push the already-marginalized further down so as to gain for oneself another precious inch of status is all too familiar to me.
In theory, named thus, just about everyone disapproves of that particular game. And yet many (including myself when I don't watch out for it) retain a little whitelist in our heads of groups so marginal that it's still okay to laugh at them. People who are earnestly supportive of queer and kinky rights will still chortle at the furries. In many public discussions of fat politics, you will see a fear seething just below the surface: "are you going to take away all of our targets? Who will we have left to joke about?"
The answer "the powerful, the complacent, and the admired" offers small comfort to these folks, not because there's nothing to ridicule there, but because the status gain is less.
That's all a bit of a digression. As a response to my co-worker, it suffers many from the issues that come with any taking offense when no offense was expected. i.e., coming across as touchy, humorless, and escalatory.
My sweetie listened patiently, then asked: "why didn't you just say, 'I'm sorry you don't like us?"'
"Well," I stammered, "I'm not a swinger or a nudist."
She arched an eyebrow. "Do you think the distinction between polyamorists and swingers is important to her?"
"Well...I don't want to contribute to the blurring of...I mean, I'd have to explain my..."
I thought another moment. "I'd be embarrassed to," I admitted. "Not because I'm ashamed of saying I'm poly, but because I wouldn't want to be one of the people being sneered at."
"Do you think you were?" she asked.
"Yeah. Yeah, basically. But I guess I wanted to not think of it that way. I'd rather take pity on the poor freaks she's making fun of than define myself as one of them."
In theory, named thus, just about everyone disapproves of that particular game. And yet many (including myself when I don't watch out for it) retain a little whitelist in our heads of groups so marginal that it's still okay to laugh at them. People who are earnestly supportive of queer and kinky rights will still chortle at the furries. In many public discussions of fat politics, you will see a fear seething just below the surface: "are you going to take away all of our targets? Who will we have left to joke about?"
The answer "the powerful, the complacent, and the admired" offers small comfort to these folks, not because there's nothing to ridicule there, but because the status gain is less.
That's all a bit of a digression. As a response to my co-worker, it suffers many from the issues that come with any taking offense when no offense was expected. i.e., coming across as touchy, humorless, and escalatory.
My sweetie listened patiently, then asked: "why didn't you just say, 'I'm sorry you don't like us?"'
"Well," I stammered, "I'm not a swinger or a nudist."
She arched an eyebrow. "Do you think the distinction between polyamorists and swingers is important to her?"
"Well...I don't want to contribute to the blurring of...I mean, I'd have to explain my..."
I thought another moment. "I'd be embarrassed to," I admitted. "Not because I'm ashamed of saying I'm poly, but because I wouldn't want to be one of the people being sneered at."
"Do you think you were?" she asked.
"Yeah. Yeah, basically. But I guess I wanted to not think of it that way. I'd rather take pity on the poor freaks she's making fun of than define myself as one of them."