(no subject)
Alright, so, about 2 weeks ago, some guy on SomethingAwful (www.somethingawful.com) posted some terrible terrible erotica his psycho virgin roommate wrote. I decided to recite one of them. Here are the posts:
Posted by Dan276 in this thread. http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=1820585&perpage=40&pagenumber=1
"A few months ago, my housemate (Poz) posted a thread featuring a series of letters written by our crazy, disturbed housemate to his (now ex-) girlfriend. I’ll link to that thread when archives become available again but for now we have new material from a true master of erotic fantasy.
A little back story on this guy. He was born in London but moved to Kuwait when he was 12 and lived there for 6 years before moving back to the UK to come to university. He’s really creepy, ridiculously over-emotional, arrogant and he’s threatened suicide before (a call for attention).
Anyway, he writes things and then leaves them in places where he knows someone will find and read them. He used to keep a very personal diary and leave it on the kitchen table (shared by 13 guys). After that, he wrote but never sent a series of creepy letters to his girlfriend and left them open on his laptop which he left in the kitchen once again. This time, his computer was left unlocked in the kitchen and my housemate decided to go snooping through his recent word documents and found these.
It might be relevant to mention that I’m 99% sure this guy is a virgin. Sex outside of marriage is illegal in Kuwait, as is alcohol (so no drunken one nighters). When he came to uni, he claimed he had a girlfriend back home and often disgusted us with his graphic sex stories. However, I got to know her best friend pretty well and she told me they had never done anything close to having sex because, well, he’s vile.
She finished with him after cheating about 100 times and he hooked up with some girl with no friends. She was hammered one night and somehow the subject of their sex life came up. She said they’d never gotten close to sex either as he’d constantly refused.
Anyway, maybe that will give the following a little context (this is copied exactly. I’ve put it in to rough paragraphs as they were both huge blocks of unreadable text)."
Here is the story:
*walks slowly up to you from behind, quietly, on his tip toes so as not to disturb you as you stare out over the dark sky above the shimmering ocean. He silently stands right behind you, scared to breath because he is in your very precesnance, as he just stares out trying to see what fascinates you, when suddenly a breath of wind flows from behind you, drifting your leafy brown hair across your sholders so that the tips are inches from his face, as he smells your perfume which is worn for one simple purpose, the same purpose which worked so well on you, to make men fall in love.
Sensing a presence behind you, you slowly turn to see who has intruded upon your private time. Seeing my face a brief look of surprise flares across urs, but only a brief one, which is unnoticed by me as I revel in your beauty. Slowly I lean forward and kiss you on the check as you tut your tongue and shake your head, implying, with no words, that that’s not enough for you. Timidly he moves closer to you, placing one hand on your lower back, and one on the back of your head he starts to kiss you. Shyly, not sure what hes doing, he gropes around in your mouth, slowly becoming accustomed to what is good and what is bad, as the kiss dramitcly improves over a few seconds. With a sudden burst of courage his hand lowers and grabs ur ass, jst resting on your right check for a second before he starts to slightly grab it, moving his fingers intowards your hole, his tongue still exploring your mouth, until a slight patch of moistness appears on his check, as he moves his hand away from ur ass, stops the kiss and watches u, groan slightly from the abrupt halt of pleasure, as ur eyes drip with tears from being so happy to be loved so much by one person.
Removing his hands from you he then takes your soft hands and slowly leads u away from the edge towards the feathery bed which is below the gentle night sky. Lovingly he unzips ur dress and slyly slides it off of your sholdiers. As it falls to the floor he stares in wonder at your breasts, which are uncovered by the lack of the white lace bra. As u radiply step out of the dress your hands jump on him, tearing of the shirt and tossing it behind you as you hornily want him. As your hands move across his chest, they slowly reach down to his trousers, where u unhook the belt and fling it off, again tossing it over ur sholdier. You unbutton his trousers, and pull down the zip, then pull off the trousers. He then pushes you onto the water bed and jumps ontop of you, causing both of you to bounce on the squishy waterness.
Rubbing your breasts softly for a few minutes he waits for the bed to stop moving, suppressing his giggles from the wobblyness. Once it has stopped moving he slides his hand down under ur thong and rubs the outside of ur pussy, feeling some of the juices start to slowly flow. He slides ur thong off with his teeth, and then shifts his weight down so that his face is directly in ur pussy. He then licks around the edge, licking up all the juice before it spills, licking his lips at the delicious taste, teasing you by not quite penetrating, as he moves his head closer, placing his lips directly onto your pussy and sticks his tongue in, starting to lick around the center, but still in the outside part, not pentrating anything, licking up the juice as it flows faster.
Getting even more turned on by your graons and moans of plessure, he thrusts his tongue straight inside of your pussy, letting the juices flow directly onto his tongue for a second, as he then starts to lick across your clit, slowly at first, then gradually getting faster, as he pulls ur legs over his sholdiers, and thoughts his lips inside of ur pussy for that extra bit of reach, feeling you squirm in his arms as he caresses your inside with his tongue. Feeling the first of your organisms coming he moves even faster across your clit, causing you to cum for the first time. Licking it all up he moves his lips and tongue out slowly, giving it one final lick goodbye, as he then moves back up ur body, stopping on the way up to lick both of your breasts, as he moves towards your mouth, kissing you and tasting of your own cum and juices.
Then he moves his finger around the edge of your pussy, giving you jst a moments rest before he starts again, and thrusts his fingers far in, right to the clit straight away, and starts to rub it around in a circular motion, continuing to kiss you, not letting you make a single sound as his lips are pressed against yours so firmly, and his tongue is wrapped around yours so intimately. His fingers push in further and harder, rubbing it faster and faster as he feels ur body squirm with the pressure of being unable to make a noise and he loves it, every moment as he just simply works harder and faster, feeling that ur again about to cum, and continuing even after u do for a few seconds so that all the cum is over his fingers, then he licks it all off winking at ya.
Wanting to return the favor you flip him over, climbing on top of him. Grinning you run your finger nails down his chest, stopping just above his boxers, as you then slide down him to his actual boxers and then pull them off with your teeth. *
And here is my post.
"Well, I had to stay quiet recording since my roommate is passed out, and I'm not too much of a dick. Plus, I could barely keep from laughing reading that shit outloud. Thats the most ridiculous erotica I've ever seen. I feel 11 years old reading it aloud.
http://www.yourestupidandimnot.com/erotica/TheBanned-Omgterribleerotica.mp3
I need a cigarette."
Kill me now.
Posted by Dan276 in this thread. http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?s=&threadid=1820585&perpage=40&pagenumber=1
"A few months ago, my housemate (Poz) posted a thread featuring a series of letters written by our crazy, disturbed housemate to his (now ex-) girlfriend. I’ll link to that thread when archives become available again but for now we have new material from a true master of erotic fantasy.
A little back story on this guy. He was born in London but moved to Kuwait when he was 12 and lived there for 6 years before moving back to the UK to come to university. He’s really creepy, ridiculously over-emotional, arrogant and he’s threatened suicide before (a call for attention).
Anyway, he writes things and then leaves them in places where he knows someone will find and read them. He used to keep a very personal diary and leave it on the kitchen table (shared by 13 guys). After that, he wrote but never sent a series of creepy letters to his girlfriend and left them open on his laptop which he left in the kitchen once again. This time, his computer was left unlocked in the kitchen and my housemate decided to go snooping through his recent word documents and found these.
It might be relevant to mention that I’m 99% sure this guy is a virgin. Sex outside of marriage is illegal in Kuwait, as is alcohol (so no drunken one nighters). When he came to uni, he claimed he had a girlfriend back home and often disgusted us with his graphic sex stories. However, I got to know her best friend pretty well and she told me they had never done anything close to having sex because, well, he’s vile.
She finished with him after cheating about 100 times and he hooked up with some girl with no friends. She was hammered one night and somehow the subject of their sex life came up. She said they’d never gotten close to sex either as he’d constantly refused.
Anyway, maybe that will give the following a little context (this is copied exactly. I’ve put it in to rough paragraphs as they were both huge blocks of unreadable text)."
Here is the story:
*walks slowly up to you from behind, quietly, on his tip toes so as not to disturb you as you stare out over the dark sky above the shimmering ocean. He silently stands right behind you, scared to breath because he is in your very precesnance, as he just stares out trying to see what fascinates you, when suddenly a breath of wind flows from behind you, drifting your leafy brown hair across your sholders so that the tips are inches from his face, as he smells your perfume which is worn for one simple purpose, the same purpose which worked so well on you, to make men fall in love.
Sensing a presence behind you, you slowly turn to see who has intruded upon your private time. Seeing my face a brief look of surprise flares across urs, but only a brief one, which is unnoticed by me as I revel in your beauty. Slowly I lean forward and kiss you on the check as you tut your tongue and shake your head, implying, with no words, that that’s not enough for you. Timidly he moves closer to you, placing one hand on your lower back, and one on the back of your head he starts to kiss you. Shyly, not sure what hes doing, he gropes around in your mouth, slowly becoming accustomed to what is good and what is bad, as the kiss dramitcly improves over a few seconds. With a sudden burst of courage his hand lowers and grabs ur ass, jst resting on your right check for a second before he starts to slightly grab it, moving his fingers intowards your hole, his tongue still exploring your mouth, until a slight patch of moistness appears on his check, as he moves his hand away from ur ass, stops the kiss and watches u, groan slightly from the abrupt halt of pleasure, as ur eyes drip with tears from being so happy to be loved so much by one person.
Removing his hands from you he then takes your soft hands and slowly leads u away from the edge towards the feathery bed which is below the gentle night sky. Lovingly he unzips ur dress and slyly slides it off of your sholdiers. As it falls to the floor he stares in wonder at your breasts, which are uncovered by the lack of the white lace bra. As u radiply step out of the dress your hands jump on him, tearing of the shirt and tossing it behind you as you hornily want him. As your hands move across his chest, they slowly reach down to his trousers, where u unhook the belt and fling it off, again tossing it over ur sholdier. You unbutton his trousers, and pull down the zip, then pull off the trousers. He then pushes you onto the water bed and jumps ontop of you, causing both of you to bounce on the squishy waterness.
Rubbing your breasts softly for a few minutes he waits for the bed to stop moving, suppressing his giggles from the wobblyness. Once it has stopped moving he slides his hand down under ur thong and rubs the outside of ur pussy, feeling some of the juices start to slowly flow. He slides ur thong off with his teeth, and then shifts his weight down so that his face is directly in ur pussy. He then licks around the edge, licking up all the juice before it spills, licking his lips at the delicious taste, teasing you by not quite penetrating, as he moves his head closer, placing his lips directly onto your pussy and sticks his tongue in, starting to lick around the center, but still in the outside part, not pentrating anything, licking up the juice as it flows faster.
Getting even more turned on by your graons and moans of plessure, he thrusts his tongue straight inside of your pussy, letting the juices flow directly onto his tongue for a second, as he then starts to lick across your clit, slowly at first, then gradually getting faster, as he pulls ur legs over his sholdiers, and thoughts his lips inside of ur pussy for that extra bit of reach, feeling you squirm in his arms as he caresses your inside with his tongue. Feeling the first of your organisms coming he moves even faster across your clit, causing you to cum for the first time. Licking it all up he moves his lips and tongue out slowly, giving it one final lick goodbye, as he then moves back up ur body, stopping on the way up to lick both of your breasts, as he moves towards your mouth, kissing you and tasting of your own cum and juices.
Then he moves his finger around the edge of your pussy, giving you jst a moments rest before he starts again, and thrusts his fingers far in, right to the clit straight away, and starts to rub it around in a circular motion, continuing to kiss you, not letting you make a single sound as his lips are pressed against yours so firmly, and his tongue is wrapped around yours so intimately. His fingers push in further and harder, rubbing it faster and faster as he feels ur body squirm with the pressure of being unable to make a noise and he loves it, every moment as he just simply works harder and faster, feeling that ur again about to cum, and continuing even after u do for a few seconds so that all the cum is over his fingers, then he licks it all off winking at ya.
Wanting to return the favor you flip him over, climbing on top of him. Grinning you run your finger nails down his chest, stopping just above his boxers, as you then slide down him to his actual boxers and then pull them off with your teeth. *
And here is my post.
"Well, I had to stay quiet recording since my roommate is passed out, and I'm not too much of a dick. Plus, I could barely keep from laughing reading that shit outloud. Thats the most ridiculous erotica I've ever seen. I feel 11 years old reading it aloud.
http://www.yourestupidandimnot.com/erotica/TheBanned-Omgterribleerotica.mp3
I need a cigarette."
Kill me now.