I Love You And...
I don’t know how to say this, alone, its 4:37 a.m. and this apartment is a mess. I’m a mess. I’m a wreck and maybe they’ve all been right, I’m fucking up my life out here. But I’ve never felt closer to you. Never felt this angry with god before. It will be a long time coming when I can place sweaty palms together to speak to the one above me. But now I know this all happens for a reason. Trapped out here and I’ve been in these drunken stupors. They’ve all turned their backs away, they can’t bear to see a lion so meek. I was angry. At them. At you. At god. At myself.. I cursed the heavens and called every god above a pessimist. They couldn’t see the silver lining in a gray cancerous cloud. But we loved you down here, I don’t want you to forget it. We loved you like there could never be another. There hasn’t. There never will be. And so I’m living my life to rival yours. Yes I want to write this story. I want to tell yours along side of mine. Intertwine the tales until they become one. Because we were once one, and they tore you away from me. And maybe this is only the tip of the ice burgh, because christ Janet we all know so much is hidden beneath black murky waters. I cry to every star in this lonesome Midwestern sky and I tell them, they’ve never seen the likes of you before. It’s a sad slow comfort to know that you’re showing them all up, out there beyond this world. And soon there will be a little miracle, wrapped in her mothers arms. I To think I was disappointed, you’d never be called Janma. But she sees the brighter side of things, and today for just 10 minutes outside I felt free, finally. And I let my breath go underneath a pale moonlight. And I whispered to you I love you. I smiled, for the first time In months, knowing you could hear me. Because you’re only there if I want you to be. You only hear if I want you to. And so you must know better than anyone this struggle I’ve had with faith and religion. But your sister and your cousin they’ve given me new found hope. Sometimes I can feel you still. Hear your laugh in my ear. And when I’m driving it gets quiet and I think about those awkward times when we’d be fighting. I’d be so angry but I always just wanted to tell you I was sorry. I’m sorry. It’s the words we’ve kept inside too long. It’s the prayers we never spoke until it was too late. It’s the wishes we never sent up into the sky above us until all the stars had already been wished upon. It’s the feeling we tried to conceal because everyone knows crying yourself to sleep is improper. But they could never understand the beauty in your smile. How wonderful it was to hear you laugh. The joy you got out of making everyone else feel amazing. Sometimes I remember the way our old house smelled. You always had something cooking and there was always just enough to share. Christmas Day when the dinner was just you and I and we couldn’t have had it better. We drank cocktails in the living room and danced our way through the kitchen. Your secret disappointment when people let you down. A strange moment remembering you crying on floorboards in the house the we shared with Michael. You were so vulnerable then, sometimes we all get that way. I miss being held by you, especially now when no ones hands reach out for me. They think I don’t know how much of a screw up I am. How I’ve ruined my own life, driven it deep into the ground. So they turn a blind eye but still dare to call me friend. They don’t realize the simplicity of what I need. I hand to hold in the darkness, if I feel scared. And so I’m all alone again and I talk to you, because you’re the only one who’d ever listen. Suddenly I realize the horrifying truth in it all. I speak to you so softly when I lay awake all night. It was a long road to travel but I forged my own way through mud and dirt. To find that on the other side there was no one waiting. You were gone far after this had started, given the choice I know you would have stuck it out for me. But you’ve been the hand to guide me through darkness. The voice coaxing me onward. You’ve never let me stop moving. In the moments I could not get my legs to work, you would have carried me for all it was worth. For tonight I feel calm just knowing you’re at peace. And maybe I’m selfish because I didn’t want to share with the gods. You were too good for them, too good for us. So, I imagined they’ve made a special place for you out there. Where no one is your equal and you can make all the pear bread you want. Sometimes I listen to your old CD’s and I remember singing along so loudly with you in your car. Or singing softly under heavy sighs and heavier eyelids. When candlelight was the only light worth having. Slowly getting drunk on dark and stormy’s as we talked into early morning. Tonight I can rest my tired limbs because I think I’m ready to stop running. But I’ll never be ready to stop experiencing this world with these old eyes and battered soul. Sometimes in the mirror I swear I can see you in me, it’s a secret pride I carry deep inside of me. And so you will always live on through me. Through her. And through your precious grand daughter who will never have the chance for you to take her out for ice cream and get lost. I guess it’s true, history does repeat itself. Like your father before you... our mother before us. I love you and my feet are too sore to know any truth besides pavement. I love you, and I think I’m ready to stop running..