(no subject)
july 11, 2007. you've been a weird one. i woke up this morning in excruciating pain. mom is ecstatic that i have gotten my period, six days late mind you. (no mother, i'm not pregnant. mother nature was just fucking with me). it was hot and humid in my bedroom. the shades drawn, sunlight poking through the edges, conveniently blinding me. i wake, i shower, i dress for work. i put on the local news. couple found dead in their home, 19 year old girl found dead by her father, man shoots up an army surplus store, killing three. death and dying everywhere. i remember the one year anniversary of my grandfather's death is coming up in a week. i recall this time last year living in my basement apartment in brooklyn with chyna(va-j-j). i remember getting updates ("he's still on the breathing machine katie"). i remember feeling absolutely helpless and so far away from everything and everyone i loved. and then the news of his death and the emptiness, the tears and then sobs and then tearless sobs and i can't breathe i'm so upset sobs. and work is in an hour. i'm brushing my teeth. the phone rings and i pick it up. and it's tasha. and tasha is distraught and i'm asking what's wrong. and she's so sorry she has to be the one to tell me this. but it's aleigh. aleigh? aleigh. and aleigh mills our best friend from camp all through our pre-teen into teen years, aleigh is the 19 year old girl who was found by her father in her home yesterday. it's a suspicious death, they think it's murder. she was murdered. not that aleigh. that aleigh. and it's raw and it's real and it's reality and she's so sorry she has to be the one to tell me this. then the same helplessness, the same breathless sobs. inow 'm sitting here. i spent the night next to my boyfriend, surrounded by his best friends. joking and laughing and so fucking alive. and then lying sweetly beside him for hours. my face buried in his neck, feeling so safe, so loved, so complete. and now it's close to midnight. i'm wondering why and how there is so much evil in this world. why a girl like her has to die. why anyone, ANYONE would hurt her. and i know what makes me even more upset is that i don't believe in God, or rather, that a God that allows such heinous things to happen is the same God that supposedly saves us all and sends us up to heaven. i'm having a hard time because i don't know what has happened to aleigh. i don't know what has happened to my papa. and i don't really know what will happen to me. today i've realized for really the second time in my life, just how short life really is. so i'm going to love matt, i'm going to really love him. and i'm going to respect my parents, really respect my parents. and i'm going to value and appreciate my friends, more than ever before. there aren't any second chances. there aren't any second time's around.