Asshole
sometimes reputations outlive their applications /
and sometimes fires don't go out, when you're done playing with them
Honestly, it has been so long since I've done this I don't know if I know how anymore. I can count on my fingers the number of people I think will read this, and yet none of that really matters. My blackberry has a notepad feature and recently I've been typing in little mental notes to myself, as a way of trying to trap the inspiration that sometimes strikes me. Many of the most recent batch are in reference to things that were brought to the forefront Last Saturday night. In a number of different ways, and by a couple of different people and with the help of multitude the people that were referenced, it was brought to my attention that a certain circle of my friends views me as one dimensional. As an asshole, as a kid who refuses to grow up, and well i'll leave how the exact wording that was used for the last one since he has since apologized and wasn't exactly in complete control of his emotions at that moment.
The point being that for the longest time I have introduced myself to people as "the asshole" with a smile on my face. In the past I have used it as a cover, as a dodge or hustle to avoid being responsible for my actions. I will not argue either of these points, I have fostered the reputation and I have used it to my advantage in the past.
My issue did not even truly enter my mind until I had sobered up, had spent some actual time reflecting on the course of my life for this past year. I readily admit that I have made mistakes in my past. For all the bravado that has always been a part of my public persona, the mask of the asshole, I have never truly thought of myself as perfect, though in my youth I might have thought something close. What is my problem? What has been nagging at me for the past 6 days? I no longer believe I have adhered to my part of the bargain. I believe that for the past year I have been a better person then the one they are talking about. I believe that for the past year I have strived to be more mature, more adult, to take on more responsibility. Am I saint? No. Am I the most mature or most complete person out there? No, but I do honestly believe that I have tried to be better.
My family needed someone to live in my grandmother's house while she recovered at my parents house, so I paid for an apt I didn't live in for 3 months. I attempted a traditional relationship with a girl who was single, straight and interested in me. When it became apparent to me that it would not end in love and marriage, I spent 6 days (ironic) trying to make sure that I would let her down easy and avoid leading her on. I have tried to be the best father to Sam that I know how, visiting him as often as Jessi and my schedules can allow. I have been more accommodating of my former enemies, people I don't like, and have not caused physical harm to a single cat all year.
So what in this past year have I done that perpetuates my persona? Ok, at Pete's party I did in fact kiss Jessi, knowing full well (though not quite as full in my condition at the time) that she had unresolved feelings for me and that I did not share them. I readily admit that this was a poor idea and that I will do everything within my power to prevent a recurrence that might jeopardize my friendship with her. Should I have made more time for Sam? His mother has never said so, and she has cancelled my planned visitation more times than I have. I work 40 hours a week. I have dinner with my family once a week. I took my grandmother to vote. I pay my bills. I buy people drinks. I detest racial jokes or slurs. Perhaps I need a better PR man.
In my life, I have always been the most cocky insecure guy you will ever meet. In my life, I have rarely felt completely confident that people actually want to be around me. Find anyone who regularly relies upon jokes to fit in and I will show you a person who often doubts how much people actually like them. Perhaps I've hid that too well, perhaps I haven't opened up to enough people. My first reaction was agreement, which led to a desire to want to better myself. But once I disagreed, I immediately wanted to show them how they were wrong. How I wasn't the person they thought I was anymore! I just needed to spend more time with them, and they would see! However as the days went by and I thought more and more about it, I realized how this is all a two way street. These people have to want to see me as something other than the asshole. These people need that desire or all they will see are actions tainted by my past. Just as a bad mood colors everything that happens in that negative light, as does the idea that I am an asshole.
Maybe I don't need a PR man, I just need to find a new audience.
and sometimes fires don't go out, when you're done playing with them
Honestly, it has been so long since I've done this I don't know if I know how anymore. I can count on my fingers the number of people I think will read this, and yet none of that really matters. My blackberry has a notepad feature and recently I've been typing in little mental notes to myself, as a way of trying to trap the inspiration that sometimes strikes me. Many of the most recent batch are in reference to things that were brought to the forefront Last Saturday night. In a number of different ways, and by a couple of different people and with the help of multitude the people that were referenced, it was brought to my attention that a certain circle of my friends views me as one dimensional. As an asshole, as a kid who refuses to grow up, and well i'll leave how the exact wording that was used for the last one since he has since apologized and wasn't exactly in complete control of his emotions at that moment.
The point being that for the longest time I have introduced myself to people as "the asshole" with a smile on my face. In the past I have used it as a cover, as a dodge or hustle to avoid being responsible for my actions. I will not argue either of these points, I have fostered the reputation and I have used it to my advantage in the past.
My issue did not even truly enter my mind until I had sobered up, had spent some actual time reflecting on the course of my life for this past year. I readily admit that I have made mistakes in my past. For all the bravado that has always been a part of my public persona, the mask of the asshole, I have never truly thought of myself as perfect, though in my youth I might have thought something close. What is my problem? What has been nagging at me for the past 6 days? I no longer believe I have adhered to my part of the bargain. I believe that for the past year I have been a better person then the one they are talking about. I believe that for the past year I have strived to be more mature, more adult, to take on more responsibility. Am I saint? No. Am I the most mature or most complete person out there? No, but I do honestly believe that I have tried to be better.
My family needed someone to live in my grandmother's house while she recovered at my parents house, so I paid for an apt I didn't live in for 3 months. I attempted a traditional relationship with a girl who was single, straight and interested in me. When it became apparent to me that it would not end in love and marriage, I spent 6 days (ironic) trying to make sure that I would let her down easy and avoid leading her on. I have tried to be the best father to Sam that I know how, visiting him as often as Jessi and my schedules can allow. I have been more accommodating of my former enemies, people I don't like, and have not caused physical harm to a single cat all year.
So what in this past year have I done that perpetuates my persona? Ok, at Pete's party I did in fact kiss Jessi, knowing full well (though not quite as full in my condition at the time) that she had unresolved feelings for me and that I did not share them. I readily admit that this was a poor idea and that I will do everything within my power to prevent a recurrence that might jeopardize my friendship with her. Should I have made more time for Sam? His mother has never said so, and she has cancelled my planned visitation more times than I have. I work 40 hours a week. I have dinner with my family once a week. I took my grandmother to vote. I pay my bills. I buy people drinks. I detest racial jokes or slurs. Perhaps I need a better PR man.
In my life, I have always been the most cocky insecure guy you will ever meet. In my life, I have rarely felt completely confident that people actually want to be around me. Find anyone who regularly relies upon jokes to fit in and I will show you a person who often doubts how much people actually like them. Perhaps I've hid that too well, perhaps I haven't opened up to enough people. My first reaction was agreement, which led to a desire to want to better myself. But once I disagreed, I immediately wanted to show them how they were wrong. How I wasn't the person they thought I was anymore! I just needed to spend more time with them, and they would see! However as the days went by and I thought more and more about it, I realized how this is all a two way street. These people have to want to see me as something other than the asshole. These people need that desire or all they will see are actions tainted by my past. Just as a bad mood colors everything that happens in that negative light, as does the idea that I am an asshole.
Maybe I don't need a PR man, I just need to find a new audience.