(no subject)
This is public because I could give a fuck who thinks what. And the haters can suck it.
Well before I get into the celebrations my friends have been kind enough to organize, I have to put some thoughts down on what this birthday means to me. 39. THIRTY NINE. Yep I turned 39. The final notch on the guillotine before it drops. I guess this is as good a time as ever to "evaluate" your life. I had original intentions to TRY to let the day pass and not tell anyone. I can't see anything happy about hitting that age.
I was telling everyone that I was going to dig a hole and go lie in it. I even said I was going to cry into a bottle that night. Some people asked me why I came into work. (I told them the bridge I was going to jump from, had too many folks on the ledge) But something changed when I started to think about my life.
Yes, we all know the big change. Severing my former love from me. Did it sting me thinking about it? No.
As things have been progressing the past few months. I don't feel the pangs that plagued me. Fade to black. So what do I Have?
Im 39, I look 28, (so I've been told so on my bday!).
I have a beautiful son that lives with me, and he loves me more than anything.
My son has excelled in school this YEAR more rapidly than ever in his academics than EVER before.
Im in great shape and getting better. My six pack is starting to resurface and Ive shaved off my lil handles.
So far so good. My legs are even toned now. My arms are now two inches bigger than when I was seriously working out back in the day.
I have a good job.
I have excellent friends.
I have two cute pups that also love me and shower me with affection.
So if it's being lonely, I don't have a shortage there. I'm in control once again.
I guess the outpouring lately that's happened made me realize that I'm very much loved. I don't need to worry and there's always better times ahead. All the bad has been left behind.
I felt good on monday, despite the underhanded attacks thrown at me that day (yep). Nothing can get me down.
The negative, nasty stuff has no more space to exist in my life. Im leaving that with the other baggage included with it. Sling all the arrows you want.
"Give me more, make me stronger, High on your poison, I am divine..." - (Rollins)
Like Leonidas knew, sacrifice does have it's benefits. Once you are past the pain (death in his case!). They can never take it away what you stood for. Im stronger than I've ever been. I've almost died (IRL) a few times. I've felt physical pain that shocked me into deathlike unconsciousness repeatedly. Last year Ive had that kind of pain emotionally. I don't have it anymore. I have a life with a purpose. I've never been physically scared of any man due to what Ive experienced. Now I've graduated one more level. An emotional level.
So onto the celebrations!
Saturday night before my birthday, we went to a Japanese restaurant in Beverly Hills that was shi shi for sure. Each plate came out to over 100 a pop. My pals took care of me. And even though I cringed. I know I will do the same for them. But damn! THat's a lot. It was also Jay's mom's bday too. So it was a nice double shot.
Monday (d-day) was a lunch at work. Four carloads of people (I think 16 altogether) came out to toast to me and wish me beautiful times ahead. Especially Olaf, my co worker. He had such nice words for me. I was a little choked inside. So after the four car long party train went back to work, I found out that I got a card and a cash donation!?!! Yep people pooled in for me and left me with a nice sum. I wont say what but I was totally shocked. The card was sweet too, signed by everyone in the office. Next I found out the CFO paid for the whole luncheon. WHOA!?! That NEVER HAPPENS. Love it!
I realize I have a tremendous amount of friends that actually DO care. It was so overwhelming with the gift, I almost felt dizzy. I felt good, I felt cared about. I got a wonderful book from someone special in New York." Graven Images". (horror movie posters since the 20s) I was super pleased. It's out of print and its now in my hands!
So here I am.
This saturday I will go to the rainbow bar n grill and have my third celebration.
With my metal contingent. Not bad eh? Not bad at all. More pals are coming out too. I even invited a cute lady from my apt complex that's cool as fuck and into metal. I really never thought I'd be fine with turning this age. But I think I have a lot going than most people so I really can't complain.
Nobody is going to make me feel less than I am ever again.