20 Days
By my count, as of 8:30 later tonight, I will be free for 20 days.
The nature of my day to day existence is such that this freedom is nothing truly revolutionary for me; the true - holy Christ, I can read (in an upside-down fashion) what I'm typing in the reflection of the still surface of my bowl of soup. Though I may not be stoned, as a stoner, that is truly righteous, and I will rue the day I stop being able to appreciate such things - beauty is the fact that this is one of those times of year which finds most people with a certain quantity of time off from their regular pursuits, to be filled with socialisation and camaraderie.
I've long been popular, largely through my exploits at parties or bars, or through the legends told of parties allegedly held at my house - though I remain unconvinced all the goings on told of in tales could possibly have transpired without serious damage to the homestead - but I rarely think of my company in high demand. As a man who spends the majority of his time alone, be it engaged in study or play, it often seems as though the world passes me by. I am forever entreating others to share their precious time with me, since they have little extra and I have much; as such, it feels strange to realise just how thin I have already been stretched over the coming 20 days.
From December 26th until January 1st, I will not be home. I am tired of my life, tired of my situation, and working as hard as I know how to change it, in a dozen small ways daily but with an eye to the necessary long-term fundamental shifts. These shifts seem to come most easily out of revelations which arise when I am in different situations and away from my comfortable if contentious and argumentative home life; as such, I will be taking a vacation this Christmas break. Since I cannot afford to leave my town, I have pledged for weeks to many that I will spend that time re-discovering it - so many times have I spoken the words that by now they feel prophetic; I will go on this adventure around my familiar town with the wide eyes of a newcomer, and I will learn from it, because there is no other way of things. During that time, I must visit at least nine households, all while experimenting as heavily as possible with new and familiar sensations and states of mind. This will be a challenge, but hopefully a productive one.
In those same 20 days, I have:
- Two ex-girlfriends of mine with each of whom I would dearly love to absolutely waste an entire day in active conversation and directionless activity
- Two ex-girlfriends of best friends with each of whom I have promised to go somewhere new and do something strange
- Two people I have met but do not remember who wish to meet with me out of the blue
- Two Christmas parties thrown by my two brothers
- Two cities I have pledged to finally visit after years of missed opportunities and half-hearted apologies
- A date two years coming, at least one year too late, full of, by now, too much confused expectation and thoroughly muddled emotions
- A night spent with a recovering drug addict, discussing the nature of life, addiction, and everything in between
- A night which will take me from the top of Chicopee to my refuge on the golf course, surveying the length and breadth of my city
There are those friends with whom I must schedule time to speak as though scheduling a dispassionate meeting between business partners. Today I realise that I have been one of those for years without realising it; always invited to parties, movies, events, rarely 'gracing' them with my presence, yet always invited back. When - and how, and WHY - did I become popular? How is it that when I place a call to the most interesting people I have ever met, they seem excited to receive it?
I am only me.
I can and must be more than that. In 20 days, I will be, in some way or another.