(no subject)
The past couple of days have certainly been interesting, I will give it that.
I finally managed to get Kae's backpiece done. You know, for being who he is, I see that Kae's actually pretty moody. When we first arrived in Moonglade he seemed a little out of it, but as we went along I managed to get him to laugh and improve his mood.
His backpiece is lovely--a profile of a phoenix bathed in flame, with "You're Just Borrowing It" across his shoulders for shits and giggles. I did it all in indigo and henna to give it depth, and the effect was pretty amazing. Kae's rather tan, so he had to sit a good while to make sure the henna stained dark enough to be seen, but it was well worth it.
Unfortunately I only got one of his arms finished before Nathrae and Lindir showed up -- Nathrae sneaked up behind me and grabbed me. I wound up squirting the remaining henna in my bag all over Kae. Which was rather hilarious, seeing as I hadn't started on his other arm yet...if that had been the case I would've been a bit upset. Got Kae cleaned up, Nathrae mentioned wanting to talk, and thank the Sun, Lindir stuck around and healed me up. He did a beautiful job, I'm proud -- Aellundras was none the wiser. I feel bad, going behind his back like that, but he worries too much over me and I don't want to stress him out.
I don't really want to talk about the mind-fuckery of a kid that showed up. Kae's moodiness exposed itself here--his seemingly good mood went to shit due again. He's been frustrated a lot lately.
Lindir also reassured me about some things that had been plaguing me a little. I had realized I needed more closure than I thought, and ever understanding, he gave that to me and reassured me that I wasn't stupid for feeling the way I felt. I'm glad Lindir's my friend. I feel like the book is finally shut, and hopefully I won't stress over it anymore. I want to focus entirely on Aellundras, and I don't want anything lingering that would make him doubt. I hoped my response to his question took them away if he had any...I suppose anyone else would take "Would you be happier if you had my permission to seek another's embrace?" as a free for all to sleep around, but when your boyfriend is a mite jealous and possessive...that's a bit of a red flag.
Lindir is so good to me. I try to be a good friend in return. I should buy him a pretty dress or something, as a thank you gesture.
Though I also see it as progress--we're working on it and Aellundras is doing such a wonderful job with it--that he would offer that without sounding jealous. I honestly, truly in my heart, know he just wants me happy. But I can't sleep around on him, even with his permission. I feel too deeply...I can't cut myself off like the others can. No, I wouldn't be able to handle it.
Am I attracted to others? Yes. Does a part of me still love Lindir a bit? Yes. (( Oh, seeing Kae pull his hair and bemoan not being able to screw him kinda hit me hard. I still feel horrible for feeling that way. It makes me feel like the worst boyfriend ever. )) But I am Aell's, and he knows I am devoted only to him. I am. I won't cheat on him, even with permission. I won't do that. I won't.
I found that he's not the only one who's jealous. Kae asked me permission to go after Aell, and deep down I found myself wanting to bite his head off for even asking such a question. But I know Kae was asking out of respect for me, or maybe because he just wanted to get under my skin, but after he managed to drag a "no" out of me he let it be. I wanted to say no immediately, and cry something childish like "Why would I let you peg my lover when I can't even have a go at you?" but I kept it in. (( The best thing Ori and Khaav could have ever done for me was forbid Kae. A part of me still hurts and won't forgive Kae for what he said, and you know, I think even if I did have permission I wouldn't touch him. The idea has soured so much to me. )) Still, I don't like ruling over who Aellundras can and can't have sex with, even if I am his lover.
He's devoted to me, but he knows that I would let him go to his needs, to his happiness and desires, if he wanted to do so. I have my reasons. I won't write them here. How would I cope though, if he did take another on the side? I don't think I could ever meet that person, until I slowly grew to accept it. I went into this relationship knowing full well what my lover is, and I won't ask him to change. I can't do that. I've talked to Aell about monogamy, and he says he's happy with only me. I accept that, as the only thing I've ever asked of him is to be honest. I do know I make him happy. I guess if he did find someone else I would work on not taking it personal. I'm worrying about it too much.
Later on in Feralas, by the way he made love to me so gently, I ought to be ashamed for writing some of this stuff. I was touched by how sweet he was with me--he's a bit of a rougher sort, enjoying a bit of pain and roughing around and being forceful. He bloodied my lip in his excitement the other night because I bit his shoulder and bruised it. I thought he was going to have a meltdown--he was a bit horrified when he realized it actually hurt a little, and not in the good way. If he did find someone, maybe it would be someone who wants it hard and rough, to be bruised and aching Stop it Vinarian.
We are happy together, and he is happy with me, and I with him. Worrying about it will only let doubts surface and linger and cause problems. Move on.
Now.
Nathrae wants me to stain his tattoos to see what they look like with color. It's touching, but I didn't dare say so when he asked me about it--he didn't have any choice in getting them, so he's trying to make them his. I'm looking forward to it, and I need to write to Ori about the colors he wants. I need to remember to do that, and hopefully I can start doing that in a day or two. I've already got some palette ideas going on--he wants warm colors. So I've got splashes of colors here and there all over a sheet, gently blending them. I want them to look inviting, to hopefully dull the meanings of some of those dreadful marks on his body. The best part is if he hates what I've done, the stain will fade away in a couple of weeks, and I can do it over how he wants it. Mostly it's a free for all for me, and he's putting his trust in me, so I want to do a good job.
I need to go to the Featherful again and see if those vermin went back in after I cleaned house. However, this time, I think I will bring Aell with me and talk about what I want to do with it. This way, if something happens, I have him with me, and won't feel so guilty about getting battered in a fight.
Time to go do some painting. I'm going to be putting it into a very special sketchbook. I don't want to write about it. I'm still a tiny bit upset about it, and to write about it would only open up an old wound. Tokala's happier this way, I'm sure, and the only thing I can do is keep this safe and put his memory within it, alongside his mother and father.
I finally managed to get Kae's backpiece done. You know, for being who he is, I see that Kae's actually pretty moody. When we first arrived in Moonglade he seemed a little out of it, but as we went along I managed to get him to laugh and improve his mood.
His backpiece is lovely--a profile of a phoenix bathed in flame, with "You're Just Borrowing It" across his shoulders for shits and giggles. I did it all in indigo and henna to give it depth, and the effect was pretty amazing. Kae's rather tan, so he had to sit a good while to make sure the henna stained dark enough to be seen, but it was well worth it.
Unfortunately I only got one of his arms finished before Nathrae and Lindir showed up -- Nathrae sneaked up behind me and grabbed me. I wound up squirting the remaining henna in my bag all over Kae. Which was rather hilarious, seeing as I hadn't started on his other arm yet...if that had been the case I would've been a bit upset. Got Kae cleaned up, Nathrae mentioned wanting to talk, and thank the Sun, Lindir stuck around and healed me up. He did a beautiful job, I'm proud -- Aellundras was none the wiser. I feel bad, going behind his back like that, but he worries too much over me and I don't want to stress him out.
I don't really want to talk about the mind-fuckery of a kid that showed up. Kae's moodiness exposed itself here--his seemingly good mood went to shit due again. He's been frustrated a lot lately.
Lindir also reassured me about some things that had been plaguing me a little. I had realized I needed more closure than I thought, and ever understanding, he gave that to me and reassured me that I wasn't stupid for feeling the way I felt. I'm glad Lindir's my friend. I feel like the book is finally shut, and hopefully I won't stress over it anymore. I want to focus entirely on Aellundras, and I don't want anything lingering that would make him doubt. I hoped my response to his question took them away if he had any...I suppose anyone else would take "Would you be happier if you had my permission to seek another's embrace?" as a free for all to sleep around, but when your boyfriend is a mite jealous and possessive...that's a bit of a red flag.
Lindir is so good to me. I try to be a good friend in return. I should buy him a pretty dress or something, as a thank you gesture.
Though I also see it as progress--we're working on it and Aellundras is doing such a wonderful job with it--that he would offer that without sounding jealous. I honestly, truly in my heart, know he just wants me happy. But I can't sleep around on him, even with his permission. I feel too deeply...I can't cut myself off like the others can. No, I wouldn't be able to handle it.
Am I attracted to others? Yes. Does a part of me still love Lindir a bit? Yes. (( Oh, seeing Kae pull his hair and bemoan not being able to screw him kinda hit me hard. I still feel horrible for feeling that way. It makes me feel like the worst boyfriend ever. )) But I am Aell's, and he knows I am devoted only to him. I am. I won't cheat on him, even with permission. I won't do that. I won't.
I found that he's not the only one who's jealous. Kae asked me permission to go after Aell, and deep down I found myself wanting to bite his head off for even asking such a question. But I know Kae was asking out of respect for me, or maybe because he just wanted to get under my skin, but after he managed to drag a "no" out of me he let it be. I wanted to say no immediately, and cry something childish like "Why would I let you peg my lover when I can't even have a go at you?" but I kept it in. (( The best thing Ori and Khaav could have ever done for me was forbid Kae. A part of me still hurts and won't forgive Kae for what he said, and you know, I think even if I did have permission I wouldn't touch him. The idea has soured so much to me. )) Still, I don't like ruling over who Aellundras can and can't have sex with, even if I am his lover.
He's devoted to me, but he knows that I would let him go to his needs, to his happiness and desires, if he wanted to do so. I have my reasons. I won't write them here. How would I cope though, if he did take another on the side? I don't think I could ever meet that person, until I slowly grew to accept it. I went into this relationship knowing full well what my lover is, and I won't ask him to change. I can't do that. I've talked to Aell about monogamy, and he says he's happy with only me. I accept that, as the only thing I've ever asked of him is to be honest. I do know I make him happy. I guess if he did find someone else I would work on not taking it personal. I'm worrying about it too much.
Later on in Feralas, by the way he made love to me so gently, I ought to be ashamed for writing some of this stuff. I was touched by how sweet he was with me--he's a bit of a rougher sort, enjoying a bit of pain and roughing around and being forceful. He bloodied my lip in his excitement the other night because I bit his shoulder and bruised it. I thought he was going to have a meltdown--he was a bit horrified when he realized it actually hurt a little, and not in the good way. If he did find someone, maybe it would be someone who wants it hard and rough, to be bruised and aching Stop it Vinarian.
We are happy together, and he is happy with me, and I with him. Worrying about it will only let doubts surface and linger and cause problems. Move on.
Now.
Nathrae wants me to stain his tattoos to see what they look like with color. It's touching, but I didn't dare say so when he asked me about it--he didn't have any choice in getting them, so he's trying to make them his. I'm looking forward to it, and I need to write to Ori about the colors he wants. I need to remember to do that, and hopefully I can start doing that in a day or two. I've already got some palette ideas going on--he wants warm colors. So I've got splashes of colors here and there all over a sheet, gently blending them. I want them to look inviting, to hopefully dull the meanings of some of those dreadful marks on his body. The best part is if he hates what I've done, the stain will fade away in a couple of weeks, and I can do it over how he wants it. Mostly it's a free for all for me, and he's putting his trust in me, so I want to do a good job.
I need to go to the Featherful again and see if those vermin went back in after I cleaned house. However, this time, I think I will bring Aell with me and talk about what I want to do with it. This way, if something happens, I have him with me, and won't feel so guilty about getting battered in a fight.
Time to go do some painting. I'm going to be putting it into a very special sketchbook. I don't want to write about it. I'm still a tiny bit upset about it, and to write about it would only open up an old wound. Tokala's happier this way, I'm sure, and the only thing I can do is keep this safe and put his memory within it, alongside his mother and father.