(no subject)
Today is opening day.
I slept poorly last night, and even though I didn't really toss and turn, Aell woke up with me a lot. He's a rather light sleeper, and I had told him of my concerns the prior night, so he seemed to already know what troubled me. Laying there, he softly repeated comforts to settle me, and I finally managed to get a few more hours before waking up for the day.
I haven't quite opened the doors yet, I'm sitting here at the bar, looking out at the Row while I wait. The window is large; I can more than easily see Kae's wagon from here, though the sight of it just twists my stomach up. Aell told me I was overthinking again, but I can't help thinking what I do. He and I will stay away. We're not the company he wants, and I always mess up and say the wrong thing. Aell tried his best last night, but unfortunately none of us can make someone come up to the wagon and act interested. I would if I could. I'm proud of you baby. You were kind to him, but there's just nothing we can do for Kae.
Please, someone, go to the Row and screw Kae. That would be a bit helpful.
Whatever it was, whomever it was, concerning why his left side hurts and the want to permanently tattoo a wound he has...I hope someone helps you feel better, Kae. I'm only a comfort to Aellundras, I find, and I do more damage than good.
It's so frustrating, to want to help, but know there's nothing that can be done. I try too hard. Backing up will be okay. I'll try saying hello to Kae over the weekend or something, give him a big smile. I promised I wouldn't be an ass anymore, though it seems to be I don't even have to try. I'm sorry Kae. I'm just no good at this.
I miss him though. I wish I could be what he wanted, but then again, I wish that for all my friends...and that's dangerous thinking. Someone will come along and make things better for him. It's probably annoyed that the only ones who come around his cart are skirts he can't sniff anyways.
Oriseus said he wanted to come and see the shop, and that tickled me beyond belief. Oriseus can't stand Silvermoon...so for him to come and take a look around means a lot to me. I told him to drop by whenever he pleased. I would be more than happy to give him a tour, and hopefully introduce him to Aellundras as well. Maybe Oriseus will bring Khaavren! I haven't seen Khaavren in a while.
I also want to go out on another practice session with Lindir. He and I are a good team though I'm still not very good at shieldfighting. I feel a bit more useful running around in plate, but the hard part hasn't even been started yet. When I'm ready we're going to tackle a harder job--protecting a small group set to explore the dungeons and pits of the world. The thought of it makes my mouth go dry, but a front liner can't have fear like that.
I should've been a paladin, Light.
I should make new friends. Outside the Row.
I don't even know where this is going anymore, I'm just rambling, but I'm so nervous I can't really concentrate on much of anything. I'm not a businessman. I'm a peddling wannabe, trying to play at running a business, opening an art STUDIO in the ROW. Who the hell in the Row would come in to mull and loom over watercolors? I can certainly see Nathrae arguing with Lindir over the composition and color scheme over my works, decked in leathers with his daggers at his side. Hah! ( ...I think I could kiss Nathrae if he even took the time to at least look them over. I wouldn't really, but hey.)
I just...want to be happy.
I only truly feel happy hidden somewhere with Aellundras.
It's not supposed to be this way, is it?
I'll work hard. I'll make the Lynx work somehow. I've never had nice things in life until now, slowly but surely, and I've had to work hard for them. I'm not afraid to put sweat and tears into my shop. The customers will come. My friendships will work themselves out. Aellundras is here with me, and he's put so much into the Lynx and our flat too. I know I won't falter.
I just have to have a bit more confidence in myself.
Time to open the doors.
Sun I need a cigarette.