(no subject)
Here are some rules that I came across on the internet, which amused me, hope it does the same for you:
Rules by men:
1. Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.
2. If you don't want to dress like Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
3. If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.
4. It is in neither your best interest nor ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.
5. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?
6. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
7. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done - not both.
8. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.
9. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.
10. Women who wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their chest stared at.
11. When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.
12. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
66 reasons why it's great to be a guy:
1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about tanks.
4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5. Monday Night Football.
6. Your bathroom lines are 80 percent shorter.
7. You can open all your own jars.
8. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
9. Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind.
10. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
11. All your orgasms are real.
12. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
13. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
14. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
15. You understand why Stripes is funny.
16. Your last name stays put.
17. The garage is all yours.
18. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
19. You never have to clean the toilet.
20. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
21. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
22. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
23. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
24. The National College Cheerleading Championship.
25. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
26. You don't have to shave below your neck.
27. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every nite.
28. If you're 34 and single nobody notices.
29. Everything on your face stays its original color.
30. Chocolate is just another snack.
31. You can be president.
32. Flowers fix everything.
33. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
34. You get to think about sex 90 percent of your waking hours.
35. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
36. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
37. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
38. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
39. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
40. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
41. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
42. The world is your urinal.
43. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
44. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
45. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too skeevy.
46. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
47. Same work... more pay.
48. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
49. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
50. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
51. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
52. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
53. The remote is yours and yours alone.
54. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
55. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
56. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
57. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
58. You can rationalize any behaviour with the handy phrase "Fuck it!"
59. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
60. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
61. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
62. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
63. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
64. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice anything different?"
65. Baywatch.
66. There is always a game on somewhere.
Blowjob Etiquette (as stated by women):
~First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it. So if you get one, be grateful.
~I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to come on someone's face.
~No, I DON'T have to swallow.
~My ears are NOT handles.
~Do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really want puke on your dick?
~I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.
~Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because you can't have sex right now.
~"Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.
~If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.
~Leaving me in bed while you go play video games, smoke a cigarette, watch TV etc... immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behaviour to be repeated in the future.
~If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it.
~No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.
~No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV, smoke a cigarette, drink, etc....
~When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathise or brag.
~Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning".