On wishing
I was going to make a long and well-worded post. It would be about how I hate secrets and what I really mean when I say that.
Instead I read through my archives from the start of this LJ through 2009. And now my motivation to word myself to death just isn't there anymore.
I wish it wasn't so hard to be truthful with people even if I don't know them very well.
I wish I didn't live in an environment, a culture, an area of the world that trained me to believe that openly agreeing and silently hurting was better than challenging and raising concerns.
I wish it didn't seem...wrong? Passive-aggressive? Childish and needy? to want to be actively wanted. Sought after. Best or at least great instead of average, acceptable, blending-in. (Which is strange, because historically I prefer blending-in in most situations.)
I wish this didn't happen like clockwork every damn time.