On secrets
When I was in middle/high school, I had a group of about four really close friends. One of them, I don't want to name her, was an absolutely wonderful and amazing person, always happy and willing to talk and really, really invested in the things she loved. She was also, suddenly and inexplicably, only bearable when she wasn't around. The instant she showed up and started talking her presence was annoying and all any of us wanted to do was get the hell out of the conversation. We would discuss and plan things and go out and do things behind her back and without her, sometimes, and say we forgot to ask or that we thought she was busy if she brought it up to us.
I'm not proud of this.
And I think I owe her the hugest apology possible. Because I think I know exactly how she must have felt. And maybe I deserve it, because I did it to someone else. But I feel like that, and it happens more and more often: like I'm well-liked until I actually show up somewhere. Then, I'm unbearable.
Chances are very slim any of you are reading this. Even if you are, I don't want you to know it's you. Comments are off, because I don't want to explain. Yes, that makes me a hypocrite. You all already knew that, didn't you? If you seriously want to talk to me, go ahead. I almost always want to talk.
But if you don't want to deal with me - any of you reading this - then I ask you to say so. I can take it. And it's a lot less hurtful than me sitting here wondering what I've done, if I'm annoying or irritating. Wondering why you, specifically, seem to feel about me the way my friends and I used to about her.
I'm not trying to hurt anyone. Not this time, or hopefully any time hereafter. I want to know where I stand. That's all.
Comments are also off because from now on, things aren't going to bother me, outwardly. Or, I'll try my best at it. Don't tell me it's unhealthy, I probably know that. But after today, it's just easier, for now.
I have since realized, by the way, that she really is a wonderful person, and whenever we're home at the same time we go out for lunch together and fill each other in. I'm a lot more proud of that.