Oh my Papa
Click to viewOh my papa
To me he was so wonderful
Oh my papa
To me he was so good
No one could be
So gentle and so lovable
Oh my papa
He always understood
Gone are the days
When he would take me on his knee
And with a smile
He'd change my tears to laughter
Oh my papa
To me he was so wonderful
Deep in my heart
I miss him so today
Oh my papa
Oh my papa
Oh my papa
This entry has been a few weeks in the making. Every time I tried to sit down and write it down, I simply couldn't make myself do it.
Early this month my grandfather was in the hospital. He was there for about a week before he died of heart and renal failure. It seemed really quick and unexpected, though when we sat around looking at pictures and talking about him it seemed like it shouldn't have been.
I've been wracked with guilt since he died. I was trying so desperately to go and see him one last time, and 5 minutes before I walked out the door my aunt called to tell me he had passed just a minute or so before. I was such a horrible granddaughter to him. I didn't mean to be, but I was out of touch for years because of foster care, and then I was a little scared to talk to them again. In the last few years we've kept in touch on the phone, and via letters and Facebook, but I didn't try to see them. It was so easy to say that getting to Florida would be too expensive. But they moved back up here 3 or 4 months ago. Why couldn't I have found time to see him?
I've chosen to get past it. I talk to him now, every now and again. Just like I talk to Judy, and Hiram. Obviously not when anyone is around, or even necessarily out loud, because I'll look like a nutjob. But I like to think that they're hanging around somewhere and can hear me. I took a long walk on some trails and got it all out, and I feel better.
I remember when I was little, my cousin and I would fight over who got to sit in his lap. She's only 6 months younger than me, and we would literally push each other out of the way and try to pull each other off his lap. "he's MY Papa!" "no he's MY papa!" "Nuh-uh! He's MY papa cuz I'm older!" it never occurred to us that we could share cuddles from Papa, or that he had eleventy billion other grandkids.
I keep trying to think of a way to describe him without making him sound like Santa Claus, but I can't. He had this big booming voice that always sounded like he was thisclose to laughter. He was SO happy, all the time. He had so much love. He had 8 kids, and 12 grandkids, and never seemed to run out of love. He made each and every one of us feel important, and supported. There was a 12 year gap between the last time I saw him and when I finally worked up the nerve to call, and it was like there wasn't any time at all. He found out I liked turtles, so he would send me little gifts. A notebook here, some stickers there, just little things. The day before the wake my sister and I spent the day at our aunt Sue's house, to catch up after all these years. Sue gave me a box that she found in her garage, full of turtle stuff Grandpa had collected to send me. Right now it's in the garage because I don't trust myself not to break down going through it.
We all gathered at Grandma's apartment, and spend a while going through all the pictures people had collected. I saw a baby picture of me for the first time, and Grandpa was holding me. He looked so proud, so happy. Every picture I saw of him with one of his kids or grandkids, he had that same look, like he was just going to burst into a million tiny shards of joy. Oddly enough, the one picture that seemed to capture it best didn't have any of us in it. Didn't have Grandma. It was a picture of him in a recliner, with his cat snuggled up to him like a baby. He was looking down at her with this silly little grin on his face, and you could see that he just loved that cat so damn much. It's almost palpable. That one expression seemed to capture the very essence of my grandfather. I wish I had a copy of it.
I usually cringe when people say something about the world losing an angel. It's so cliche. But there is definitely a large, cold hole in the world right now, where it was once filled with love and laughter. Grandpa made the world a better place for everyone that ever had the pleasure of meeting him, even if it was just for a moment.
