I'm so tired of living this way
I made a comment the other day about wishing I could afford therapy.
Josh doesn't get it. He figures if I have anything I need to talk about,
he's always there to listen. But I'm always worried about the same
things, and don't want to be a broken record to him. And he can't HELP
my agoraphobia. I'm stressed to the limit each and every day just trying
to FUNCTION in society. I bite the inside of my mouth, or my tongue, or
dig my nails into my arms or palms, because the sharp pain gives me
something to focus on other than people. I'm constantly on the verge of a
panic attack, and almost every day when I leave work, I RUN to my car
as soon I'm free of the store,and I cry when I'm safely inside the car.
Leaving my house is TERRIFYING. I don't remember the last time I wasn't
silently freaking out and warding off a panic attack. Josh doesn't
understand. He tries, but he doesn't really get why sending me out for a
gallon of milk is such an ordeal for me. I finally broke down yesterday
and told him all this and he said, "sounds lime it's regression." It is
NOT regression, it has ALWAYS been this way. But I HAD to work, so I
did what I had to do. I thought if I just faked it well enough, I would
eventually get better. "Fake it til you make it," right? Wrong. I just
got good at faking it. So while I still FEEL just as panicky as before,
no one SEES it. They don't see the panic attacks. And since it isn't a
physical disability, they think, "oh whatever. Can't be that bad." Going
to work makes me physically ill, not only because I hate my job, but
because I have to stand there for hours a day while people swarm all
around me. I'm on high alert all day, freaking the hell out, all while
having to smile and sell things. I don't know what to do but I can't do
this anymore. Every day gets harder and harder. I can't live like this. I
sometimes wish I were blind or something, because then I wouldn't get
treated like I'm making it all up. MAYBE then someone would take me
seriously.