~Duane~
Short summary for people who don't know who he is: Ex best friend who I shared a study with at college and who I lived with until last month.
Last week I found out that he'd let the replacement tenant for his room move in before signing any kind of contract, and therefore putting my stuff, that was still in the flat, at risk. I contacted the landlord asap as I was concerned and angry that nobody had even told me what was going on. Fast forward to a week later and Duane calls me to ask me why I told the landlord but didn't speak to him, and in my mind the answer is pretty simple - why should I ask anything from someone who only gave me three weeks notice to move out and then didn't even tell me there was going to be a person living in the flat before the contracts were signed? I guess I was sick of being the nice one that put up with his arrogance, firstly thinking he could just fuck off before our contract was even done and secondly, thinking I wouldn't say anything if he let his replacement move in early. I think I mostly just wanted to prove that I'm not some kind of doormat.
As you can imagine things got nastier from there. Issues were brought up from months ago and this is the one that got me the most: apparently I am not self reliant enough. What is his evidence for this you ask? Because I used to give him a goodnight hug every night and talk to him in this room. Okay, so maybe I'm crazy but I thought that was generally what best friends did? Futher more, I was no more clingy than I ever was at school and we were there for two years together - hugging all the bloody time and being nauseatingly like Will and Grace. Unfortunately for me he has turned into a total ice queen since he moved to London and seems to think emotions = weakness. I'll admit I am an emotional person who is passionate and loves her friends etc. but weak I am not. And, for the record, I am not the one living off Daddy's pay checks. He is. I'm the one who came here and got a job - and I don't have him to thank for that.
My conclusion to him was that I didn't see the point in being in a friendship that was like a business transaction. I can get that from going to work. I want people in my life that I can share my problems with and not feel like they're judging me for it. The world is tough enough, let alone having to be strong and cold in front of your mates, the people who you are supposed to just be yourself around. I realised today that I never once confided in him when Deb was dying or even after she died (though I was crying myself to sleep at night for a while) because I knew he'd think I was weak, and that realisation really disgusts me.
I'd be lying if I said it didn't get to me because it did, what he criticised is such a massive part of my personality that I now find myself questioning if other friends have found me nauseating in that way, or if maybe my whole perception of what a friendhip should be is wrong.
But even if he is right, I can't really be friends with someone who dislikes something so major about the way I am. Furthermore, it's not exactly something I'd like to change, cause being icy and 'strong' has made him a really ugly person to be around.