Heartache Every Moment
Heartache Every Moment
“No Jay I’m just not ready yet”
“But…but Jen please ….I just want to be happy again, and free”
“No Jared I cant it’s just way to hard, now drop it, people already joke about it and suspect it, if they find out, I don’t know it could be the end of both of us.”
“But Jen I don’t care as long as I have you..”
“Huuuh look Jare, I cant deal with this right now I have to go do some interviews.”
“But, but Jen?”
“look Jared I…I just cant no more it’s over”
“J-Jen?”
“Bye Jared ”
“ I love..”
“Bye Jare gotta go”
He hears the phone click and nothing on the other end but dead silence, he just couldn’t take it anymore. All he felt was despair creeping up on his and tugging at his heart. Jared was fine with hiding it at first, but he never really cared much about what people thought about him, he was just doing it for Jensen. He was broken inside, he felt rejected and he was hurting inside, but he knew Jensen loved him but after that conversation with Jensen that was the last time he felt his heart brake, the last time he felt it beat, hell it was basically the last time he felt his heart at all. Jared couldn’t do it anymore he just couldn’t. he went back to his house the one he shared with the love of his life Jensen. Jared opened the door, he walked up to his room in tears he looked over the note he wrote for Jensen. A life without Jensen isn’t a life at all in Jared’s eyes. Life just wasn’t worth it, so breathing in deeply and nervously he picked up a razorblade, Jared lifted it up to his right wrist, he looked at his hand hovering above it his left hand shaking frantically.. He lowered it to his wrist, he pressed lightly on it puncturing his skin enough to where he could see a little spec of red. He pressed down harder and moved the blade across his tanned smooth wrist, now all he could see was the pool of his own crimson regret running down his arm. A single tear fell down his face running down his flushed cheeks. As he’s looking over what he did he thinks about what everyone will think about him doing this, people would think he was week, and they wouldn’t understand why he did this, he always seemed like a happy gullible guy all the time.
Jared’s tears were stinging around his eyes now, they started to fall faster down his face and his breathing became more rapid. But Jared could only think about Jensen, a life without his love wasn’t worth living anymore. He brought the razor up to his left wrist, he repeated his same pattern on that arm as his did the one before, but cutting more deeper now. The blood was gushing out quicker. Jared was now chocking on his violent sobs, he started to scream out “ No God….no please I don’t want to go” he looked down at his wrist again the cuts were deep and thick, “Please God I don’t want to die yet….I never even got to say goodbye to him” things were starting to go blurry for him as he was slumped up against his cabinet door, now laying on the bathroom floor in his own pool of blood Jared could only think about how stupid he was for doing this and that it was to late now to stop it. The room started spinning, he then knew that all this suffering would be over, but the pain of losing Jensen would never be over.
He looked over to the side of him where his note for Jensen laid , then things started to go black and the only thing he could see where Jensen’s eyes bright green peering into his soul. Jared just wished Jensen would come back and save him but no luck all he wanted to do was hold him, kiss him, and whisper sweet little reminders of his love and affection for Jensen in his ear again. Jared had one of his worst nightmares come true……Jared died alone. It was about a day when a friend of Jared’s found his body, Jensen had just got a call from their friend Tom the one who found Jared on the floor, all he told Jensen was to get home quick, luckily Jensen was already a couple of minutes away from home. He saw Tom on the front porch, he had tears building up around his eyes. Jensen ran into the house, panic had struck him he yelled out “JARED” but no response, he ran upstairs to Jared’s room and all he saw was an empty room, he then turned to leave but in the corner of his eye he saw something red on the bathroom floor. As Jensen approached the bathroom he saw the pool of blood, then a second latter Jared lying in it. He rushed over to Jared’s side, he picked his cold body up “Jared ….JARED!!!….oh god please no…..no Jared I’m sorry I love you, I love you I love you baby, just please no Jared” he started sobbing his tears stinging his face as they ran down his cheeks salty and hot going down to his chin dripping on Jared’s shirt. All Jensen could think about was their very last conversation probably right before Jared reached home and did this to himself.
“hello?”
“hi”
“uhm Jen I just wanted to say”
“Look Jay I’m really busy I’ll see you latter when I come to pick up my stuff ok”
“but Jen “
“Jared please”
“yeah fine then”
“Don’t cry Jared”
“I’m not crying”
“yes you are I can hear you just stop it Jared look man I need to get going bye”
Thinking about that just made him cry even harder and hate himself even more. He just sat there with the only love in his life in his arms rocking back and forth, wishing he could have told Jared he loved him one last time. Tom had called the ambulance a while ago and they had now reached the house, Jensen couldn’t hear the sirens, all he remembers is the paramedics coming in the room and prying him off of Jared and pronouncing him Dead On Arrival. He watched as they zipped the body bag over Jared’s face, covering his beautiful lips, his cute nose, he wished he could see his hazel blue eyes one more time but all he could see where his dark grayish eyelids. Then next thing Jensen knew was being surrounded by family and friends at his house. He was quiet the whole time, everyone was crying hugging or talking about how much they loved and miss Jared. Jensen looked up at Jared’s mom she was weeping in her hands as Jared’s father tried to comfort her. Jensen felt like this was all his fault, if he would have just agreed with Jared about coming out to the public about there relationship instead of hiding it then Jared wouldn’t have felt the way he did. He knew Jared was tired of feeling like a dirty little secret of Jensen’s, tired of stealing kisses when no one was looking, they were only safe at their home where no one could see them, they both felt like they were prisoners to their own love. But Jensen always liked to play it safe he didn’t want the both of them to get hurt by harsh words people would say, or the strange looks people would give them, or even losing their chances of getting jobs in the near future. But Jensen didn’t care about that anymore all he cared about was having his Jared back.
The funeral came a couple of days latter. It was held in Vancouver, Jared’s family discussed it being in Texas but Vancouver was where his second home was and where he had spent the best few last years of his life at. It was snowing that cold winters day and during the ceremony, people cried and put flowers on Jared’s coffin. Jensen was still quiet, he was still in shock and looking down at the coffin in the ground didn’t help either, their in that box was his one true love and he was now going to be stuck in that ground forever. It was then that it hit Jensen that he was never going to see Jared again. It was over now and everyone was walking back to their cars to go home…..except Jensen he just stood their in the snow he was cold and wet, looking at the coffin still. He felt a tap on his shoulder he didn’t turn around it was Mrs. Padalecki she handed Jensen a note and then gave him a kiss on the cheek before she turned to walk away. Jensen put the note in his pocket then knelt down to the ground he picked up what little dirt was left that hadn’t turned to mud or covered in snow yet and let it fall on top of Jared’s coffin. On that note Jensen walked away without looking back. Once he got home he changed out of his wet cloths then laid on his bed, looking around the room, he figured that he just couldn’t live at that house anymore he knew that in a couple of days he would be looking to move out and give Jared’s dogs to Jared’s family, they would only be a constant reminder of what he had lost.
As Jensen laid there for a couple of hours reflecting on all the good and bad time he shared with Jared he then remembered that note Jared’s mother had given him. Jensen got up and got the note out of his jacket pocket, he opened it and began to read it. “ Dear Jensen by the time you got this note I’m probably not around anymore. Babe I am so sorry for what I am about to do, but I just want you to always know how much I love you, and I will always love you, remember ….you’re the Dean to my Sam I remember when we were on set that made you laugh. I will miss your laugh hun, I will miss everything about you, when you said that we were over I knew from there that there was no mending my broken heart I just guess that our hearts were made to be broken by love. But look Jensen this whole thing isn’t your fault even though you may think it is, I should have never pressured you or made you feel like I was being treated like shit all because you didnt want the exact same thing as me. I realized how much you sacrificed for me and I appreciate that I really do….. But what’s living if I’m not living with you in my life. I know you might hate me right now but it was the only thing that seemed like the right thing to do I just hope you can live your life now without living in fear of being caught.. But I hope you live a long happy life baby I really do but if it were me I would never let you go. I love you Jensen just remember that and I never wanted to hurt you, I just have been feeling this way for a while and there was no way of avoiding it I wish it didn’t have to end like this, I wish I could still hold you kiss you and just be with you all the time, I felt like I lost your for good. But things just didn’t go according to plan , I will always be with you Jensen no matter where I’m at or wherever your at. Forever in life and forever in death. Goodbye my love. - Jared Padalecki.” Jensen just let the tears fall for hours after that. That night Jensen went back to the cemetery and over to Jared’s grave it had already been covered with dirt. Jensen sat down next to the tomb stone it read “ Jared Padalecki 1983-2009 a loving son, brother, and friend. We will never forget you.” Jensen felt the tears begin to weld up in his eyes but he forced them back. “ Hey Jare….. I just got your letter, but uh yah I know you love me and I - I love you too I’m sorry if there was ever a moment when you felt I didn’t.” Jensen rubbed his eyes and nose with his sleeve. “ but I- I just wanted to let you know how I feel about you k so- your ganna have to listen ok” Jensen pulled out a note from his pocket.
“ Jared I love you and I miss you and I am sorry beyond belief, if I could I would take away all the pain I caused you these past few months, I would. God man I’m so sorry, I just don’t understand how you could keep on loving me after all that I put you through. If I could I would have never been such a jerk….I wish I was there so I could’ve stopped you, I would have yelled I would have scream and at the end we would both be crying but, but that’s because I love you and I care about you, I never loved someone as much as I love you never in my life Jared, and I will always love you no matter what. I will never move on even if you want me to because I will never find anyone as special as you. I will never be able to kiss you, I’ll never be able to touch you, hug you are tell you I love you ever again, and this---this tares me up inside Jared. I was so mad at you at first and no matter what you say it is my fault……I----I just wish you would have told me sooner and I wish you never would have done this to yourself. We both killed ourselves basically, I will never be able to live with myself after this Jared ….never. I don’t know how I can just move on like how you expect me to. Jared just promise me that wherever you are you will wait for me to come back home to you, my home was always with you, always in your arms. I will always love you no matter what, and I will never stop loving you, like you said forever in love forever in death.”
Jensen laid next to the head stone right on top of where Jared lied, he wrapped his arms around the head stone, is was icy and cold just like his heart. Jensen weep’d all night long. Jensen died that night, a worker found his body. He was frozen to death with his arms still wrapped around the head stone. In his hand he held both their notes to each other. Jensen’s family was devastated when they heard the news. A couple days latter they had a funeral for Jensen he was buried right next to Jared. In-between the to headstones was a statue of two angles they were holding hands the shorter angle laid his head upon the taller ones shoulder and below them was engraved “ Jared and Jensen the most amazing people in this world, their love for one another was unlike any others, forever in love forever in death.”