Big Saturday
Just got home from a party ... yes it's only 12:15 am on a Saturday night / Sunday morning ... and I left home at 9:50 pm, so a total of 2 hours or so. Huge. Am having trouble typing, due to my arthritic fingers (happily it's an intermittent problem that my brother, the physio, tells me is unfixable without an operation) ... fuck, am I old?
Maybe I am.
Too old to be standing around at parties where I know 3 of the 40 people there, struggling to have conversations with strangers who are trying to crack on to me. Ah, maybe he wasn't but it was the "What do you do" conversation that, after I said I was planning to go into mediation, was answered with, "Oh, you'd be good at that!"
Me: "How would you know? I just met you!"
Him: "Oh, I can tell. You seem really easy to talk to .. blah... blah... blah"
Yeah mate. Fuck off.
My boy was at home, I left him watching "Plan 9 From Outer Space" ... his thing, not really mine. He was on guard duty for the little one this evening, so we couldn't both attend the planned outing.
I sat on the couch for a good 2 or so hours contemplating the "I should go" feeling. Eventually decided it might be fun. Home already. Answers that huh? Not that Plan 9 would've topped the evening, but I would've been with my lover... better. I arrived home to find him in the midst of a Playstation game, "Manhunt".
I heard machetes slicing off heads earlier today and queried him ... it was exactly that. This game is all about kill or be killed. At the moment I can hear gunshots and that American nasal-through-the-walkie-talkie type gutterspeak ... I don't understand Playstation. But then, many people do. I guess it's a way of relaxing. Just not for me. I've tried and I suck at it.
In fact, I realised a while ago that I really only take to things I'm good at. I only 'play' or 'do' things that I'm average to above average at. I hate to lose. Almost as much as I hate to be wrong. Hence, I rarely engage myself in activities where I can lose, or do things that I'm hopeless at doing (macrame for instance).
I love to have conversations with people and I love to learn from people, but there is a part of me that bristles when I'm told I'm wrong, or that I don't know what I'm talking about. Usually, if I know I'm ignorant about something, I won't say anything, or I'll ask questions. But, when I think I know something and share it, there is nothing worse than to be told I'm wrong. Character flaw? Yes. Big one. I admit it. Won't change anything though. I accept me. Hopefully other people do to!?
This is becoming another essay (sorry miss_porcelain I'm aware it's not the usual way of things on this journal thingamy. Gotta admit I like having somewhere to put all this down though. It's ramblings in my head that once I would've put down on paper somewhere, but these days I type faster than I write ... or, in this instance, my mongy fingers aren't really able to hold a pen properly, so the keyboard is at least giving me an out. Fucking arthritis! Who'd've thunk it?
However, having said that,I'm going to go and have a cigarette and think about whether any of what I've just said will be posted ...
Decided not to think about it. It's all staying.
As I sat out there and had my fag I thought about how beautiful it is to have friends that I've known almost half my life who I've met outside of school, outside of work. Just met them in clubs or parties and have stuck with them and they've stuck with me. Through absences, life changes, nights at the pub, they're there. 3 of them were the 3 I knew at the party I went to briefly this eve. Three people who have been in my life forever that I know will always be there. It's a safe and wonderful feeling.
On that note, I'm going to give this up and curl up with my sweet, sweet man. 'Night.
Maybe I am.
Too old to be standing around at parties where I know 3 of the 40 people there, struggling to have conversations with strangers who are trying to crack on to me. Ah, maybe he wasn't but it was the "What do you do" conversation that, after I said I was planning to go into mediation, was answered with, "Oh, you'd be good at that!"
Me: "How would you know? I just met you!"
Him: "Oh, I can tell. You seem really easy to talk to .. blah... blah... blah"
Yeah mate. Fuck off.
My boy was at home, I left him watching "Plan 9 From Outer Space" ... his thing, not really mine. He was on guard duty for the little one this evening, so we couldn't both attend the planned outing.
I sat on the couch for a good 2 or so hours contemplating the "I should go" feeling. Eventually decided it might be fun. Home already. Answers that huh? Not that Plan 9 would've topped the evening, but I would've been with my lover... better. I arrived home to find him in the midst of a Playstation game, "Manhunt".
I heard machetes slicing off heads earlier today and queried him ... it was exactly that. This game is all about kill or be killed. At the moment I can hear gunshots and that American nasal-through-the-walkie-talkie type gutterspeak ... I don't understand Playstation. But then, many people do. I guess it's a way of relaxing. Just not for me. I've tried and I suck at it.
In fact, I realised a while ago that I really only take to things I'm good at. I only 'play' or 'do' things that I'm average to above average at. I hate to lose. Almost as much as I hate to be wrong. Hence, I rarely engage myself in activities where I can lose, or do things that I'm hopeless at doing (macrame for instance).
I love to have conversations with people and I love to learn from people, but there is a part of me that bristles when I'm told I'm wrong, or that I don't know what I'm talking about. Usually, if I know I'm ignorant about something, I won't say anything, or I'll ask questions. But, when I think I know something and share it, there is nothing worse than to be told I'm wrong. Character flaw? Yes. Big one. I admit it. Won't change anything though. I accept me. Hopefully other people do to!?
This is becoming another essay (sorry miss_porcelain I'm aware it's not the usual way of things on this journal thingamy. Gotta admit I like having somewhere to put all this down though. It's ramblings in my head that once I would've put down on paper somewhere, but these days I type faster than I write ... or, in this instance, my mongy fingers aren't really able to hold a pen properly, so the keyboard is at least giving me an out. Fucking arthritis! Who'd've thunk it?
However, having said that,I'm going to go and have a cigarette and think about whether any of what I've just said will be posted ...
Decided not to think about it. It's all staying.
As I sat out there and had my fag I thought about how beautiful it is to have friends that I've known almost half my life who I've met outside of school, outside of work. Just met them in clubs or parties and have stuck with them and they've stuck with me. Through absences, life changes, nights at the pub, they're there. 3 of them were the 3 I knew at the party I went to briefly this eve. Three people who have been in my life forever that I know will always be there. It's a safe and wonderful feeling.
On that note, I'm going to give this up and curl up with my sweet, sweet man. 'Night.