[Fic] The End: A Press Conference
Muse: The Devil
Word count: 500 words
Prompt: This is the end of the world news, sponsored by God for allfireburns
Gooooooood morning, ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking to you from the captain's chair aboard the USS Apocalypse--of course the apocalypse was coming to you from the States. That just makes sense. And just so we're all on the same page, when I say 'your captain', what I mean to say is 'your worst nightmare'. I'm the Devil, and I'm here to tell you how the world's gonna end. Please do not panic during the course of this announcement, because it may make you miss something, and I do not repeat myself. Are we all clear? Let's get started then.
Okay, first thing y'all are gonna want to know is Revelations in your Bible? Bunch of bullcrap. God literally just finished the apocalypse plans, and I'm here to tell you there's a lot less charismatic anti-Christ and a lot more fiery destruction. Also you may wanna glance back at Exodus, the big Boss--not Bruce Springsteen, I'm talking about Jehovah here--has decided that shit went down pretty well, and if He's already got the blueprints, god's gonna use 'em. Save on cosmic paper and all that jazz.
So. We're gonna have us some plagues. Not all of 'em, death of first-borns wouldn't really make much sense in this situation. HOWEVER, it will be at that time that the saved are, well. Saved. To make that transition clear, God's decided that instead of the Mark of the Beast--no Beast, no need for a Mark--we're gonna hit up some condemned with boils. SO. If you've got boils, you will spend some time being, uh. Boil-y. If you do NOT have boils, congrats--please make your way as soon as possible to Saskatchewan in Canada. That's where we'll do our pick-up of the saved.
Also, before anyone asks--no, I do not know who is going to be saved and who is condemned. There are a friggin' lot of people on this planet, folks, and that isn't even my department. Sorry to disappoint. I should reassure the condemned by saying that your on-Earth suffering will not last very long--shortly after the saved are saved, the fiery destruction will begin. When that happens, I expect neat, orderly lines to form so your journey to Hell can be as speedy and efficient as possible. I do not tolerate complaining, and if you haven't accepted your fate by that point, I'd say you need an attitude adjustment.
So I'd say that's about it. Oh, one last note, Gabriel apologizes for not being able to make this press conference, but as you can imagine, things are a smidge busy up there, and he would like to say he has full confidence in my ability to deliver this, which is pretty darn nice of him. I can't answer any questions--by which I mean I don't want to--so that's all I've got for you today, please enjoy your last moments on Earth and I'll be back at 2:00 for another briefing. In the meantime, happy end of the world!
Word count: 500 words
Prompt: This is the end of the world news, sponsored by God for allfireburns
Gooooooood morning, ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking to you from the captain's chair aboard the USS Apocalypse--of course the apocalypse was coming to you from the States. That just makes sense. And just so we're all on the same page, when I say 'your captain', what I mean to say is 'your worst nightmare'. I'm the Devil, and I'm here to tell you how the world's gonna end. Please do not panic during the course of this announcement, because it may make you miss something, and I do not repeat myself. Are we all clear? Let's get started then.
Okay, first thing y'all are gonna want to know is Revelations in your Bible? Bunch of bullcrap. God literally just finished the apocalypse plans, and I'm here to tell you there's a lot less charismatic anti-Christ and a lot more fiery destruction. Also you may wanna glance back at Exodus, the big Boss--not Bruce Springsteen, I'm talking about Jehovah here--has decided that shit went down pretty well, and if He's already got the blueprints, god's gonna use 'em. Save on cosmic paper and all that jazz.
So. We're gonna have us some plagues. Not all of 'em, death of first-borns wouldn't really make much sense in this situation. HOWEVER, it will be at that time that the saved are, well. Saved. To make that transition clear, God's decided that instead of the Mark of the Beast--no Beast, no need for a Mark--we're gonna hit up some condemned with boils. SO. If you've got boils, you will spend some time being, uh. Boil-y. If you do NOT have boils, congrats--please make your way as soon as possible to Saskatchewan in Canada. That's where we'll do our pick-up of the saved.
Also, before anyone asks--no, I do not know who is going to be saved and who is condemned. There are a friggin' lot of people on this planet, folks, and that isn't even my department. Sorry to disappoint. I should reassure the condemned by saying that your on-Earth suffering will not last very long--shortly after the saved are saved, the fiery destruction will begin. When that happens, I expect neat, orderly lines to form so your journey to Hell can be as speedy and efficient as possible. I do not tolerate complaining, and if you haven't accepted your fate by that point, I'd say you need an attitude adjustment.
So I'd say that's about it. Oh, one last note, Gabriel apologizes for not being able to make this press conference, but as you can imagine, things are a smidge busy up there, and he would like to say he has full confidence in my ability to deliver this, which is pretty darn nice of him. I can't answer any questions--by which I mean I don't want to--so that's all I've got for you today, please enjoy your last moments on Earth and I'll be back at 2:00 for another briefing. In the meantime, happy end of the world!