home movies
I put Simple Minds' New Gold Dream in my cassette player because I wanted to hear "Big Sleep," but ended up listening to it every day for the last couple days. or all week. I lost most of this week somehow, it was Monday and then suddenly it was Friday. I think part of it is that I found some old seroquel and took it to knock me out...and it did. daaaamn I slept good, 12-13 hours, then I got up for a couple and then went right back to sleep another 6. but I felt better when I got up...a lot better. WAY less edgy. I've felt so terribly edgy...but not since I took that seroquel. hm.
anyway, a lot of these tracks bring Isaac, Neil and Nathan out...mostly the first two. so I've seen a lot of them, and more, since the last time I listened to this album in January.
I don't exactly want to see anything more related to Neil. I've felt a lot of GRIEF lately. first it was more of Nathan's over Isaac, but now, Isaac's over Neil- which I feel is even worse. I'm not sure if something like that can be quantified..
but I know Isaac felt very responsible, whereas Nathan did not (he had no reason to, anyway). the "if only I blank, this definitely, certainly would not have happened" responsible. I feel that.
and maybe I made a mistake.
maybe we should have been together.
Nathan could've lived without Isaac. as it turned out, Neil couldn't. but Isaac couldn't have known that until after the fact..
I try to force myself to stop thinking about all the grief, the parts that make me feel sick, and try to think of the good times. they make me smile, even laugh, but at the same time it feels empty. just like- I imagine- watching home movies of someone close to you who died. you might smile, laugh...but then you remember
there's nothing there