I'm such a dick--edit
There are moments in life we all wish we could take back. Re-do. We obsess about how we could have done it differently--what we could have said, what we could have done. It's not always a change that reflects us in a better light--after a fight we think of a million things we could have said that would have BUUURRRRRNNNNNEEEEDDDDDD.
But last night, Ryan called me. First of all, Ryan never calls. Except when he was coming over and when we were trashed, and he didn't even remember the latter.
But last night, Ryan called me.
Which is strange.
It was an awkward conversation...lots of lulls, then we'd both start talking at the time, then do the "you go" "no YOU go" thing. Dreadful. And with him in a different state (Mass...he said he was in Cambridge) it was easy to remember that he was bad for me and I shouldn't have him in my life. He was being generally obnoxious...told a funny story about being in a gay chinese bar (forreal...the band was asian, everyone in there was asian...and he and his friends realized that everyone in there was sidling up next to people of their same sex...) and that was kind of funny because come on, what are the chances, but then he just kept going and got obnoxious, like most Ryan stories do. (It would have been funnier if he incorporated the term 'gaysian'.)
So I said I was going to go finish the movie I was watching with my roommates (The Departed...they were a ways into it when I got home and started watching so I was really, really confused for a while but man...what a movie.) But I'm sure I said it with an attitude because something about him makes me have an attitude. And he said something along the lines of "don't be mad blah blah i'm a tool" (okay maybe I added that last part) and "well if you're gonna be mad I'm just gonna hang up." So I said "okay...later" and he was like "wait, what?" and i said bye and hung up.
Felt satisfied.
Smug.
Finished the movie, went to bed, felt powerful. HAH.
But then I woke up this morning.
And realized.
Why he's in Cambridge.
Why, when I asked what he was doing, he said "laying here...kinda sucks."
Why the hell he called me in the first place. (Which, he'll probably never do again. Never.)
It's just...he never told me what was going on. I asked him about his surgery, if he was still having it, and he said that it was a long story and he'd tell me either.
But then he never brought it up. And if he didn't bring it up, I didn't want to bring it up.
But his specialist is in Cambridge.
If he's having the surgery, he was going to have it over spring break.
So now I get this image of him lying in a hospital bed, prepped for surgery the following morning, calling me. Which explains why he didn't have much to say. Why he wasn't partying. Why this past weekend was referred to as a 'last hoo-rah for a while'. I assumed he meant because of the fight with the bouncer and the blackout and he just was going to not drink for a while.
But it makes perfect sense.
And I just want to go back. I want a re-do.
When he was first here, and I asked him about why he only wore one contact, and he finally told me about his vision (or lack thereof) and the experimental surgery, we were curled up together and he was squeezing me so tightly. He hates talking about it. Gets all pissed whenever I bring it up. He's terrified. He's pre-med with a plan to go into surgery. He's now practically blind in his right eye. It's starting in his left. This surgery is his last shot, and they won't even know if it worked for about a year.
And now I just want to curl up with his head in my lap and run my fingers through his hair.
But instead I hung up on him.
Now I'm not going to be able to stop obsessing about this until I talk to him again.
*Edit
um
nevermind.
hah.
he was just there partying. he called me after he got back from the bars and was sleeping on an uncomfortable futon. his friend was already asleep. he was just calling 'cause he was bored and figured I'd be up. he came into subway today for some food. so i just flipped out on myself for nothing, lol.
at least know i know how i really feel about him.
i guess
But last night, Ryan called me. First of all, Ryan never calls. Except when he was coming over and when we were trashed, and he didn't even remember the latter.
But last night, Ryan called me.
Which is strange.
It was an awkward conversation...lots of lulls, then we'd both start talking at the time, then do the "you go" "no YOU go" thing. Dreadful. And with him in a different state (Mass...he said he was in Cambridge) it was easy to remember that he was bad for me and I shouldn't have him in my life. He was being generally obnoxious...told a funny story about being in a gay chinese bar (forreal...the band was asian, everyone in there was asian...and he and his friends realized that everyone in there was sidling up next to people of their same sex...) and that was kind of funny because come on, what are the chances, but then he just kept going and got obnoxious, like most Ryan stories do. (It would have been funnier if he incorporated the term 'gaysian'.)
So I said I was going to go finish the movie I was watching with my roommates (The Departed...they were a ways into it when I got home and started watching so I was really, really confused for a while but man...what a movie.) But I'm sure I said it with an attitude because something about him makes me have an attitude. And he said something along the lines of "don't be mad blah blah i'm a tool" (okay maybe I added that last part) and "well if you're gonna be mad I'm just gonna hang up." So I said "okay...later" and he was like "wait, what?" and i said bye and hung up.
Felt satisfied.
Smug.
Finished the movie, went to bed, felt powerful. HAH.
But then I woke up this morning.
And realized.
Why he's in Cambridge.
Why, when I asked what he was doing, he said "laying here...kinda sucks."
Why the hell he called me in the first place. (Which, he'll probably never do again. Never.)
It's just...he never told me what was going on. I asked him about his surgery, if he was still having it, and he said that it was a long story and he'd tell me either.
But then he never brought it up. And if he didn't bring it up, I didn't want to bring it up.
But his specialist is in Cambridge.
If he's having the surgery, he was going to have it over spring break.
So now I get this image of him lying in a hospital bed, prepped for surgery the following morning, calling me. Which explains why he didn't have much to say. Why he wasn't partying. Why this past weekend was referred to as a 'last hoo-rah for a while'. I assumed he meant because of the fight with the bouncer and the blackout and he just was going to not drink for a while.
But it makes perfect sense.
And I just want to go back. I want a re-do.
When he was first here, and I asked him about why he only wore one contact, and he finally told me about his vision (or lack thereof) and the experimental surgery, we were curled up together and he was squeezing me so tightly. He hates talking about it. Gets all pissed whenever I bring it up. He's terrified. He's pre-med with a plan to go into surgery. He's now practically blind in his right eye. It's starting in his left. This surgery is his last shot, and they won't even know if it worked for about a year.
And now I just want to curl up with his head in my lap and run my fingers through his hair.
But instead I hung up on him.
Now I'm not going to be able to stop obsessing about this until I talk to him again.
*Edit
um
nevermind.
hah.
he was just there partying. he called me after he got back from the bars and was sleeping on an uncomfortable futon. his friend was already asleep. he was just calling 'cause he was bored and figured I'd be up. he came into subway today for some food. so i just flipped out on myself for nothing, lol.
at least know i know how i really feel about him.
i guess