Hi. How are you?
"In the long haul, regrets tend to outweigh any memory of failure."
This is a quote I need to start applying to my life.
Am I depressed? I honestly don't know. This semester / pass 8 weeks have been a huge roller coaster ride for me.
Today as I was in SOM I wrote down why I felt depressed. It didn't start out as a great day.
I'm failing 2, maybe 3, of my classes right now. I hate it. I turned in my graduation application a few weeks ago and now I won't make it.
Deciding to pledge this semester was... a mistake? I'm not even sure I would have passed finance even if I didn't pledge. I'm taking it online, which was a huge mistake, and I know people who are taking it in class and that are failing.
This semester has been tough for me cause I truly underestimated the work load. I've taken 16 units before and it was nowhere near this tough. Though, those were lower division classes.
Financial aid still refuses to help me. What can I say about that?
But then again most of the people I pledged with did not do good this semester. It's not that I feel alone I just didn't want to fail? But even people I know who didn't pledge still found the work load hard.
Is this what happens? Do people fail classes all the time? I know it sounds like a dumb question and I know there are people all the time who fail classes but I always thought it was because they didn't try. I've done so well up until this point. I've never failed a class before, I have no idea how it works.
I wanted to graduate next semester. The internship director asked me "what's the rush?" and it was then I realized I didn't know what the rush was. I guess I just didn't want to be one of those people in school forever. It's a sign of immaturity to me? At least if you can graduate but decide not to. Also... I can't live at home forever.
Now that I am a brother of this Fraternity, lol wow I still can't believe I'm in a frat, I see what it's really all about. I do enjoy the people I met but I was expecting something different? They did promote themselves as a "professional" fraternity and I feel like the professionalism is lacking? Though I've technically only been in this frat for around 2 weeks now.
I wanted something to involve myself with the school and to network with influential students in the school. I can still do that, I was just expecting something different.
I love to party, but I don't need a group or organization to do that. Do I?
It's hard to measure my success this semester. I was really depressed for a couple of weeks before I pledged. I think I decided to pledge to help get my mind off of the situation. And then I started pledging and I because depressed for another reason. Because I could not get my shit done.
I learned a lot though but I guess my problem is that I did not stick to my plan. I hate when plans change. Especially when I feel like I was in control.
Am I upset? I don't know.
I need to organize my thoughts. But it's hard.
I need to organize my life. But it's hard.
I need to not use "but it's hard" as an excuse. But it's hard.
I want to enjoy my life and be flexible. But it's... hard difficult challenging.
My life has changed.
I feel like I have no character. No opinions. No beliefs.
I miss my life the way it was before. Not because I enjoyed it, but because I knew it.
I don't like making my own decisions. I like to be spoon fed everything because I feel like I deserve it. Whether I actually do or not is another topic.
I feel like everyone hates me. What's worse is I know they don't. I feel like I fucked up so much this semester not only at school but with friends, family, work and I still have them all. If I was in their position I would be somewhat upset with myself.
10 weeks ago. Is that long? Because I've gone through so much since then it feels like years. Maybe that's why people are still standing by me, cause it wasn't that long ago.
In our pledging process we had to interview the brothers at least 3 times a week. Like a job interview. In my interviews I always said my weakness is that I am very hard on myself. It's true. But is it truly a weakness? This is 21 years of thinking like this, I can't just abruptly stop thinking like that. My dad is severely hard on himself and I never thought I would be like that. But you know what they say about apples and their trees.
I said my strength was that I was goal oriented. I even told my big bro (frat) this: if I say I am goal oriented and don't come close to my goals of getting a 3.5 gpa, graduating, and going to grad school, am I really goal oriented?
I want to:
Get a 3.5 GPA
Go to Stanford for my MBA
Work at LVMH as VP of Advertising
Enjoy my life and travel
I didn't like when people don't have goals.
I thought I knew everything I could know about myself, as naive and cocky as that sounds.
I need to work on my time management.
Unexpectedly, I will actually allow replies to this post. Maybe communication will help with my feeling of disconnection from the world/you.