I used to waste my time dreaming of being alive...21/?
I stared at him thoughtfully. “Look, Ryan, even just being at school with you gave me a - well, an insight into your life, I guess. Everybody is always - well, not glaring, but the way they look at you - it’s kinda hard not to notice it if you haven’t been hanging round a person long. They’re all like, he’s new, he hasn’t been around them much, what makes him so special?”
Every bitter thought I’d ever had was slowly twisting my insides, and then winding out of me in the form of words.
Maybe they weren’t bitter. Maybe it was just the truth.
A small frown appeared on his brow. “What do you mean?”
“I was a nobody before I met you guys,” I sighed reluctantly. I’d have had to tell them sometime, if they didn’t already know. “I really didn’t have any friends, just kept to myself, etcetera, etcetera. And from watching you, Ryan, I could tell that there were so many people out there who would’ve given anything to have you. You might be a real bitch sometimes-” He winced visibly “-but people are just attracted to you, and it’s like, the teachers, in the classes that we have together, they all look at you so differently to before, ’cause I’ve been in your class quite a while, you just didn’t know it, because I had nothing to do with you.”
He looked unbelievably confused. What I was saying did make sense.
He probably couldn’t see it though, because he was such a stubborn bastard.
“Dude, you don’t even need to play truth or dare,” he muttered. “You just frickin’ read their minds.”
“Well, the dares are always fun to watch.” I smiled. “Plus, I wouldn’t give up the chance to kiss Spencer more often.”
He beamed at me. It was obvious that he was insanely happy that I was with Spencer, that much I could tell. “How long have you...” His voice trailed off, leaving the question hanging, and I flushed. I knew what he meant.
“I’ve sort of - um...” I mumbled. I’d had a - a crush, I guess you’d call it, on Spencer for longer than he knew, and I really didn’t want to let him know just yet. He didn’t press the matter, because of the knock on the door that announced the presence of Brendon and Spencer before the “Can we come in?”
Spencer smiled at me as he entered the room, but it was strained, uncomfortable. In fact, he looked awful, his eyes dark with what I recognised as worry. “I’m going to sleep now.”
“Jeez, that’s early,” I said, surprised. “Why?”
“I’m, uh...I’m really tired, gonna go to bed, y’know...” He climbed into bed and looked at me innocently.
Don’t give me that...
Brendon’s face was blank and expressionless; he looked as though a part of his self had died. I knew that look well. I had grown accustomed to it, during the period of time they hadn’t been communicating.
I sat on the bed next to him, and he leaned forward to put his lips close to my ear, whispering so the others couldn’t hear: “When they’re asleep.”
I wasn’t sure exactly what ‘when they’re asleep’ would entail, but I was more than eager to find out. I did know, however, that it wasn’t good, partially due to what Ryan had told me, and from the look on Spencer’s face.
They were looking at us suspiciously, so I slipped under the covers, feeling Spencer’s arm wrap around my waist, his body curved to mine.
“Goodnight then.”
~Spencer~
“C’mon.”
Steady breathing signified that they were asleep.
I only hope they aren’t faking...
Jon crept out of bed behind me, silently moving across the room and out the door. Luckily for me, my mother was so used to Ryan and me being up at ungodly hours doing god knows what, that it wouldn’t have mattered if we’d been discovered. I just didn’t want them to know.
I made to go into the sitting room, but he pulled at my shirt and murmured, “Can we go outside?”
“Um, sure?” I replied quietly, somewhat taken by surprise, changing direction to head for the back yard.
“I like the night,” he mumbled, by way of explanation, as I unlocked the back door and we stepped out into the darkness outside. “I like being able to see things as they really would be, if it weren’t for the sun.”
I wondered if his words had a dual meaning, like it was a metaphor.
Ryan had always been the one who was better with words.
Jon sat down on the grass, tugging on my hand almost childishly. I sat down on the slightly damp grass and linked my fingers with his.
“You know...” I hated to say it out loud. “Y’know how Ry’s never been quite - right? I know that sounds bad, but what with his parents and all the shit he’s been through - y’know?”
“Yeah,” said Jon quietly, pressing his warm cheek against my shoulder. “It’s gonna make me want to cry, isn’t it?”
“Ryan cuts himself apparently,” I said bluntly, and shock passed swiftly over Jon’s face, before settling into horrified understanding. “You knew?”
“Well,” he started, and thought for a moment, swallowing. “He did tell me that he’d shown Brendon why he hated his body, but wouldn’t tell me why. I didn’t think it was anything that drastic though.”
“Brendon...” The way his face looked haunted me. “You saw how he was.”
“I need to talk to him. I need to talk to them both,” said Jon quietly, glancing up at my bedroom window. He rested his head on my shoulder, leaning against me heavily.
I felt like I owed Ryan something, I don’t know why, but I did. We’d been friends since forever, and I’d never wanted him to go back to his parents, but he always did. And then he’d come back to my place, and it would start all over again. And I’d wanted to stop it, but I couldn’t. It was like I had to repay him in some way, for all the times I didn’t stop him.
I think I loved him. Not in the same way as I loved Jon. But I cared so much, and I couldn’t bear to think that he could do that to himself
“That would be -” The sudden flare of light behind us cast our shadows forward onto the lawn and we both whipped around, blinking against the glare. The light came from the kitchen, but there was nobody there at the window, the curtains were shut. I looked at Jon, and he stared back uneasily.
“We should go inside,” he said, rubbing the backs of his arms. “It’s getting coldish.” He didn’t need to mention that someone could catch us outside in the middle of the night.
He put his hand on the back of my neck, pulling me into a gentle kiss. His lips curved cynically against mine and he murmured, “We don’t want to catch a cold now do we?”
“No ma’am,” I answered, earning a smack up the side of the head, and I got up, trying to keep back my laughter.
He wound his arm around my waist as we went back inside.
“What would you do if I was a chick?” he asked suddenly, looking at me slightly fearfully.
I snorted. “Well, I wouldn’t be gay, for starters.”
“Why?”
Do I need to answer that...?
I blushed, the heat rising in my cheeks as I glanced at him. “Well...because I don’t want to be with anyone else, so if you were a girl, I’d love you anyways.”
He flushed as I quietly opened the bedroom door and we slipped inside.
Well, at least I think he flushed, because the wan light of the moon only revealed that his cheeks had grown darker.
“I love you, Spencer,” he whispered. “You too, Joan,” I replied, grinning, making my way carefully over to my bed and jumping on it. Jon punched me lightly on the arm, before getting in too.
It wasn’t until I was nearly asleep that I realised.
One person’s breathing had sped up.
okaaaay, sorry for the delay, this was hard. Like UNBELIEVABLY hard. I re wrote it and rewrote it, but here it is, as rubbishy as ever.