It Ain't Easy Being Straight
Ok, it's been so long since my last entry that I decided to make this a special one. For this reason, I shall answer ALL of the questions that Bryan posed in one of his previous entries that went like this:
"I saw this on the Brokeback Mountain message board on IMDB and it just made me laugh because it reminded me so much of all the stupid questions I used to answer in high school. I was the one everyone always went to when they wanted to write something about homosexuality, and I probably answered every single one of the questions below. Turning it around onto straights just made me realize how trivial it all was! Lol, but it did give me a huge laugh.
I challenege everyone to choose a couple questions and come up with a very creative answer just for kicks!
Are you afraid to be seen in public at a viewing of Brokeback Mountain? Do you worry that others might assume you are heterosexual? If so, please try to answer the following questions as honestly as possible. Remember, admitting to yourself that you have a problem is the first step toward fixing it. You can change yourself, but only if you really want to."
And here goes...
1. What do you think caused your heterosexuality?
Honestly, I think it was the number of times I was dropped as a baby. It was upwards of fifty, I know that much, but exactly how much more my parents won't say. I wouldn't even have known that much if they hadn't let it slip one night at dinner. Anyway, the last time I was dropped, I entered a coma for a good several years and didn't wake up until most kids were out of first grade. I had to remain in the hospital for years, and was only tended to by male nurses. Eventually I grew to hate them and their condescending male...ness, and left the hospital a cold and bitter person. It wasn't until I made it back to school in the fourth grade that I was introduced to girls, and, well, I didn't hate them.
2. When and how did you first decide you were a heterosexual?
I didn't totally realize it until I was about twelve. I can't pinpoint an exact time, but I think there must have been a moment when I just realized that unlike all the rest of the kids, I was looking at the girls' heaving bosom's and not between the guys' legs. Heaving...12-year old...bosoms...yeah, shut up.
3. Is it possible that your heterosexuality stems from a neurotic fear of others of the same sex?
Fuck yes! Fucking nurses! I hate those fuckers!
4. Is it possible that your heterosexuality is just a phase you may grow out of?
I'm sorry, but that's a ridiculous question. Is your homosexuality just a phase? Think you could ever go after girls? Yeah, I didn't think so. If it were just a phase I wouldn't be torturing myself right now trying to find girls who are actually interested in guys. Trust me, it's not easy.
5. Isn't it possible that all you need is a good gay lover?
Well...I've thought of this, actually. I think if I had a good gay lover, then I might be pushed to being bi. But here's the thing: I'd have to be attracted to the guy before I would sleep with him! Ha ha, didn't think of that, did you, you bastards!? No, the masses never do.
6. Heterosexuals have histories of failure in gay relationships. Do you think you may have turned to heterosexuality out of fear of rejection?
Um...no? Think I haven't been rejected countless times by girls who are only interested in other girls?
7. If you've never slept with a person of the same sex, how do you know that you wouldn't prefer that?
I just can't get off on that. At the beginning I thought, "well, maybe I could be straight. Let's think penis..." But I mean, if you can't masturbate to thoughts of another man's penis, then you probably wouldn't get much more from it in real life. That's my thinking anyway. But let me give you a question; how do you know you wouldn't prefer just sleeping with someone of the opposite sex? Well? I mean, seriously, it's so warm and wet and...oo, I get shivvers.
8. If heterosexuality is normal, why are a disproportionate number of mental patients heterosexual?
I've never heard that statistic. I think you just pulled that out of your ass. Non-breeder. I'll put something up your ass, but it'll be my boot, and we'll see how you like that. Gonna need new boots then though...
9. Have you ever come out to anybody as heterosexual? How did they react?
Oh yeah, all my friends know. I decided when I moved into the dorms that I was just going to be straightforward with it and not hold anything back. I could tell who was cool by how they took the news. Some of them weren't comfortable with it I'm sure, but they were obviously doing their best to accept it and come to grips with the idea that some people really are heterosexual. It's one thing to say you're fine with the idea of heterosexuality, but it's quite another to realize how someone could be hurt by people saying, "that's so straight!" about whatever they don't understand or are uncomfortable with. God, it's so gay to do that.
10. Your heterosexuality doesn't offend me so long as you don't try to force it on me. Why do you people feel compelled to seduce others into your sexual orientation?
"You people"? Fuck you. And your mom. In fact, I'll fuck your mom. Because she's a woman. "You people" my ass. What the hell.
11. If you should choose to nurture children, would you want them to be heterosexual, knowing the problems they would face?
Fuck yes! I want grandkids!
12. The great majority of child molesters are heterosexuals. Do you really consider it safe to expose your children to heterosexual teachers?
Are you saying I'm a child molester? Say that again and I'm coming for your family. Or...on your family.
13. Why do you insist on being so obvious, and making a public spectacle of your heterosexuality? Can't you just be who you are and keep it quiet?
I'm not afraid to express who I am. No one has a problem with artists running around wearing odd clothing. I think you're just insecure about others' sexual orientation, so when you see even small hints that others might be straight, you mentally blow it way out of proportion. Mmm...blowing. Anyway, you need to grow up and learn that sometimes, people just gotta be straight. And have sex with women. In public. Handcuffs and riding crop optional.
14. How can you ever hope to become a whole person if you limit yourself to a compulsive, exclusive, heterosexual object choice, and remain unwilling to explore and develop your normal, healthy, God-given homosexual potential?
How about you explore your normal, healthy, God-given heterosexual potential and get it on with a young, hot, feisty red-headed lass from Texas who enjoys sleeping with guys right under her mother's nose even though she's been raised to be a nice, conservative, straight-hating, uptight, tight-assed, prude? No, seriously. It's fun.
15. Heterosexuals are noted for assigning themselves and each other narrowly restricted, stereotyped sex-roles. Why do you cling to such unhealthy role playing?
Role-playing is fun. Ok, there was this one time where I got one of my girlfriends to pretend to be a cop, and she busted into my apartment and was like, "police, bitch!" and I was like, "no, please officer, I didn't want to be a bible-runner, but it was the only way to support myself!" And then she was like, "Say please again, bitch...but this time, say it with the cuffs on..." And, well, you can fill in the blanks.
16. How can you enjoy a fully satisfying sexual experience or deep emotional rapport with a person of the opposite sex, when the obvious, biological, and temperamental differences between you are so vast? How can a man understand what pleases a woman sexually, or vice versa?
I ask. She tells me. I deliver.
17. Why do heterosexuals place so much emphasis on sex?
It's fun, bitch! No really, have you ever stuck your dick in something that couldn't self-lube? It's fantastic!
18. With all the societal support marriage receives, the divorce rate is still spiraling downwards. Why are there so few stable relationships among heterosexuals?
We can get married? Wait, who's the mayor of San Fransisco right now? He legalize straight marriages?
19. Shouldn't you ask the fringe straight types, like swingers, Hell's Angels, and Jesus freaks, to conform more? Wouldn't that improve your image?
I don't condone some of their actions, but they're just as free to do whatever they'd like as you gay folks are. Maybe you guys should do something to improve your overall image. Bitches.
20. There seem to be very few happy heterosexuals. Techniques have been developed with which you might be able to change if you really want to. Have you considered trying aversion therapy?
I'll be averse to your mom's therapy!
21. Do heterosexuals hate or distrust others of the same sex? Is that what makes them heterosexual?
Fuck yes! Fucking nurses! I hate those fuckers!
22. Why are heterosexuals so promiscuous?
Why's your mom so promiscuous? Probably because she can't have kids when she has sex with women. But this isn't the 1200's, we have contraception.
23. The Bible contains more than 300 Old Testament laws against heterosexuals. Doesn't that tell you that God thinks that heterosexuality is sinful?
Well of course heterosexuality is sinful. Have you ever known God not to think something was sinful? Why, just the other day, God knocks on my door and he says, "Griffin?" And I say, "Yes, God?" And he goes, "Griffin, you know you've been awfully sinful lately." and I was like, "How's that, God?" And he's all, "Well, with the sex. Sex with the opposite gender is sinful you know." And I'm like, "Yes, God." And he's like, "And you know how you eat your pizza?" "How's that, God?" "You mix pigginess and cheese on the same slice. What's up with that, Griffin?" Then I say, "Well God, it's just tasty like that, you know?" And he says, "Well, yeah, actually, I do know. I do enjoy the pizza like that. But how about how you brush your teeth, Griffin? With the toothpaste on the brush?" I'm kind of bored at this point, so I say, "Ok God, we've had this conversation before. Let's just wrap things up. Is there anything I do that isn't a sin?" And God furrows his brow, and he squints his eyes, you know, like he does when he's thinking really hard, and then he says after like, a full minute, "Well, no, Griffin, but I just thought you should know how sinful you've been lately." And I'm like, "Yes God, I know. Damn you're picky." And he's like, "I'm picky? Jesus Christ, Griffin, you won't have sex with someone unless it's a girl!" And I was like, "Well you have sex with girls too!" And he's all, "Er...yeah...but I'm God." "So?" "I'm just saying, is all." So then I see him off, "Ok God, that's good for you. Run along now. And tell Jesus that I want my frizbee back, ok? Seriously, he's had that thing for like...centuries. I'd really like it back." So yeah, then he goes. Oh, damn, went off on a tangent there. Yeah, it's sinful. So's your mom, bitch.
"I saw this on the Brokeback Mountain message board on IMDB and it just made me laugh because it reminded me so much of all the stupid questions I used to answer in high school. I was the one everyone always went to when they wanted to write something about homosexuality, and I probably answered every single one of the questions below. Turning it around onto straights just made me realize how trivial it all was! Lol, but it did give me a huge laugh.
I challenege everyone to choose a couple questions and come up with a very creative answer just for kicks!
Are you afraid to be seen in public at a viewing of Brokeback Mountain? Do you worry that others might assume you are heterosexual? If so, please try to answer the following questions as honestly as possible. Remember, admitting to yourself that you have a problem is the first step toward fixing it. You can change yourself, but only if you really want to."
And here goes...
1. What do you think caused your heterosexuality?
Honestly, I think it was the number of times I was dropped as a baby. It was upwards of fifty, I know that much, but exactly how much more my parents won't say. I wouldn't even have known that much if they hadn't let it slip one night at dinner. Anyway, the last time I was dropped, I entered a coma for a good several years and didn't wake up until most kids were out of first grade. I had to remain in the hospital for years, and was only tended to by male nurses. Eventually I grew to hate them and their condescending male...ness, and left the hospital a cold and bitter person. It wasn't until I made it back to school in the fourth grade that I was introduced to girls, and, well, I didn't hate them.
2. When and how did you first decide you were a heterosexual?
I didn't totally realize it until I was about twelve. I can't pinpoint an exact time, but I think there must have been a moment when I just realized that unlike all the rest of the kids, I was looking at the girls' heaving bosom's and not between the guys' legs. Heaving...12-year old...bosoms...yeah, shut up.
3. Is it possible that your heterosexuality stems from a neurotic fear of others of the same sex?
Fuck yes! Fucking nurses! I hate those fuckers!
4. Is it possible that your heterosexuality is just a phase you may grow out of?
I'm sorry, but that's a ridiculous question. Is your homosexuality just a phase? Think you could ever go after girls? Yeah, I didn't think so. If it were just a phase I wouldn't be torturing myself right now trying to find girls who are actually interested in guys. Trust me, it's not easy.
5. Isn't it possible that all you need is a good gay lover?
Well...I've thought of this, actually. I think if I had a good gay lover, then I might be pushed to being bi. But here's the thing: I'd have to be attracted to the guy before I would sleep with him! Ha ha, didn't think of that, did you, you bastards!? No, the masses never do.
6. Heterosexuals have histories of failure in gay relationships. Do you think you may have turned to heterosexuality out of fear of rejection?
Um...no? Think I haven't been rejected countless times by girls who are only interested in other girls?
7. If you've never slept with a person of the same sex, how do you know that you wouldn't prefer that?
I just can't get off on that. At the beginning I thought, "well, maybe I could be straight. Let's think penis..." But I mean, if you can't masturbate to thoughts of another man's penis, then you probably wouldn't get much more from it in real life. That's my thinking anyway. But let me give you a question; how do you know you wouldn't prefer just sleeping with someone of the opposite sex? Well? I mean, seriously, it's so warm and wet and...oo, I get shivvers.
8. If heterosexuality is normal, why are a disproportionate number of mental patients heterosexual?
I've never heard that statistic. I think you just pulled that out of your ass. Non-breeder. I'll put something up your ass, but it'll be my boot, and we'll see how you like that. Gonna need new boots then though...
9. Have you ever come out to anybody as heterosexual? How did they react?
Oh yeah, all my friends know. I decided when I moved into the dorms that I was just going to be straightforward with it and not hold anything back. I could tell who was cool by how they took the news. Some of them weren't comfortable with it I'm sure, but they were obviously doing their best to accept it and come to grips with the idea that some people really are heterosexual. It's one thing to say you're fine with the idea of heterosexuality, but it's quite another to realize how someone could be hurt by people saying, "that's so straight!" about whatever they don't understand or are uncomfortable with. God, it's so gay to do that.
10. Your heterosexuality doesn't offend me so long as you don't try to force it on me. Why do you people feel compelled to seduce others into your sexual orientation?
"You people"? Fuck you. And your mom. In fact, I'll fuck your mom. Because she's a woman. "You people" my ass. What the hell.
11. If you should choose to nurture children, would you want them to be heterosexual, knowing the problems they would face?
Fuck yes! I want grandkids!
12. The great majority of child molesters are heterosexuals. Do you really consider it safe to expose your children to heterosexual teachers?
Are you saying I'm a child molester? Say that again and I'm coming for your family. Or...on your family.
13. Why do you insist on being so obvious, and making a public spectacle of your heterosexuality? Can't you just be who you are and keep it quiet?
I'm not afraid to express who I am. No one has a problem with artists running around wearing odd clothing. I think you're just insecure about others' sexual orientation, so when you see even small hints that others might be straight, you mentally blow it way out of proportion. Mmm...blowing. Anyway, you need to grow up and learn that sometimes, people just gotta be straight. And have sex with women. In public. Handcuffs and riding crop optional.
14. How can you ever hope to become a whole person if you limit yourself to a compulsive, exclusive, heterosexual object choice, and remain unwilling to explore and develop your normal, healthy, God-given homosexual potential?
How about you explore your normal, healthy, God-given heterosexual potential and get it on with a young, hot, feisty red-headed lass from Texas who enjoys sleeping with guys right under her mother's nose even though she's been raised to be a nice, conservative, straight-hating, uptight, tight-assed, prude? No, seriously. It's fun.
15. Heterosexuals are noted for assigning themselves and each other narrowly restricted, stereotyped sex-roles. Why do you cling to such unhealthy role playing?
Role-playing is fun. Ok, there was this one time where I got one of my girlfriends to pretend to be a cop, and she busted into my apartment and was like, "police, bitch!" and I was like, "no, please officer, I didn't want to be a bible-runner, but it was the only way to support myself!" And then she was like, "Say please again, bitch...but this time, say it with the cuffs on..." And, well, you can fill in the blanks.
16. How can you enjoy a fully satisfying sexual experience or deep emotional rapport with a person of the opposite sex, when the obvious, biological, and temperamental differences between you are so vast? How can a man understand what pleases a woman sexually, or vice versa?
I ask. She tells me. I deliver.
17. Why do heterosexuals place so much emphasis on sex?
It's fun, bitch! No really, have you ever stuck your dick in something that couldn't self-lube? It's fantastic!
18. With all the societal support marriage receives, the divorce rate is still spiraling downwards. Why are there so few stable relationships among heterosexuals?
We can get married? Wait, who's the mayor of San Fransisco right now? He legalize straight marriages?
19. Shouldn't you ask the fringe straight types, like swingers, Hell's Angels, and Jesus freaks, to conform more? Wouldn't that improve your image?
I don't condone some of their actions, but they're just as free to do whatever they'd like as you gay folks are. Maybe you guys should do something to improve your overall image. Bitches.
20. There seem to be very few happy heterosexuals. Techniques have been developed with which you might be able to change if you really want to. Have you considered trying aversion therapy?
I'll be averse to your mom's therapy!
21. Do heterosexuals hate or distrust others of the same sex? Is that what makes them heterosexual?
Fuck yes! Fucking nurses! I hate those fuckers!
22. Why are heterosexuals so promiscuous?
Why's your mom so promiscuous? Probably because she can't have kids when she has sex with women. But this isn't the 1200's, we have contraception.
23. The Bible contains more than 300 Old Testament laws against heterosexuals. Doesn't that tell you that God thinks that heterosexuality is sinful?
Well of course heterosexuality is sinful. Have you ever known God not to think something was sinful? Why, just the other day, God knocks on my door and he says, "Griffin?" And I say, "Yes, God?" And he goes, "Griffin, you know you've been awfully sinful lately." and I was like, "How's that, God?" And he's all, "Well, with the sex. Sex with the opposite gender is sinful you know." And I'm like, "Yes, God." And he's like, "And you know how you eat your pizza?" "How's that, God?" "You mix pigginess and cheese on the same slice. What's up with that, Griffin?" Then I say, "Well God, it's just tasty like that, you know?" And he says, "Well, yeah, actually, I do know. I do enjoy the pizza like that. But how about how you brush your teeth, Griffin? With the toothpaste on the brush?" I'm kind of bored at this point, so I say, "Ok God, we've had this conversation before. Let's just wrap things up. Is there anything I do that isn't a sin?" And God furrows his brow, and he squints his eyes, you know, like he does when he's thinking really hard, and then he says after like, a full minute, "Well, no, Griffin, but I just thought you should know how sinful you've been lately." And I'm like, "Yes God, I know. Damn you're picky." And he's like, "I'm picky? Jesus Christ, Griffin, you won't have sex with someone unless it's a girl!" And I was like, "Well you have sex with girls too!" And he's all, "Er...yeah...but I'm God." "So?" "I'm just saying, is all." So then I see him off, "Ok God, that's good for you. Run along now. And tell Jesus that I want my frizbee back, ok? Seriously, he's had that thing for like...centuries. I'd really like it back." So yeah, then he goes. Oh, damn, went off on a tangent there. Yeah, it's sinful. So's your mom, bitch.