I'm going to be home alone for Christmas.
Mom is going to Georgia to see Giselle. I was going to go with her but... I felt like we could use the extra $88 for the light bill and being the in hospital isn't much better than being here alone, so I don't even know. Mom seemed worried and almost cancelled because I told her I wasn't sure how I'd be all alone but she needs to go and I just... I dunno. I love my sister but I really don't need another reason to cry like a baby. I was barely able to handle is last time, I dunno about this time. This might be the weekend where I break a lot of shit or something. I've only been up for an hour and my thoughts have plagued me to the point of talking to myself like a crazy person and tears are everywhere. I don't know what I'm going to do. What I'm going to be tempted to do. And just... all this... crap that I'm bottling inside. But I can't trust anyone. A lot of my friends are going through way worse things right now. And I'm not saying that my stuff doesn't matter to anyone cause I'm sure it does... But I just feel so selfish for even crying over the things I do. I feel like I've made so much progress and I have so much to say but no one to celebrate with me or to share it with. So many things I've learned about myself and I just wish I could call and be like: "You won't believe the amazing revelation I made!" And the thing that sucks is that when I made said revelation, not only was it relevant to my life and what I was looking for but it was something that he always said he was struggling with... and I have the answer. Or something that could point him in the right direction but.. we're in this weird place where if I talk to him first it'll look like I'm desperate for contact, I think. I just don't know how he'll take it or if he'll even listen. He told me he knows that I can't talk/write to him everyday but every so often he would appreciate it. But I don't want to just write him emotionless FB messages... I want to have a conversation, a real connection so he doesn't have to guess how I'm saying something or have to picture the tone I'm using, he'll know and won't have to draw his own conclusions. But I don't know if either of us could handle that right now. I thought I could but the more I think about it, the more emotional I get and I know I have to obtain a certain emotional neutrality if I am to contact him or else I'll ruin my chance to really communicate with him. But I think my problem right now is the fact that I want to talk to him so bad and I feel like I can't or I shouldn't. That is what's driving me up the wall. I hate wanting to do something but feeling wrong for wanting to do so. I hate feeling like caring about him or worrying about his well being isn't something I should "waste" time on. But that's so wrong. He isn't someone who I feel "wastes" my time, he's deserving of help and kindness it's just... every time I gave it to him, it never seemed good enough and to be honest, since he's unwilling to help himself... I know there's only so much I can do, I know that. But is anyone really helping him? Are they telling him what he really needs to hear? Is he even surrounding himself with decent people? Probably not. Is he making the steps to help himself, rather than relying on everyone else to pick up the pieces? I know I should just worry about myself but I have. It's been a month. I know that's not a lot of time but I can barely remember his voice... I can't remember how amazing I felt when we slept in the same bed, I can't remember laughing together, or really talking to one another. I know they happened and I remember being very happy with those things but I feel like they're so distant. It's almost as if he's gone. I know I still love him but I don't have the desire to get back together with him now because I know it'll just end up the same way if we're still the same people. Either I will give up too much and he will have his way or he will slowly descend into madness by living in denial and I'll probably end up joining him there. It's not fair to either of us.
Mom says I should let her know if I don't feel like I can move past this on my own so I can look into therapy or something... but I don't know. Does that help? Maybe it is what I need right now, someone to talk to who won't be all: "Trey is such an evil person, I knew he would hurt you, you deserved way better. etc. etc. etc." I don't need that right now. That does not help me. Do you not realize how fucking stupid that makes me feel for trusting and loving him and for still having those feelings? I know they mean well but shit, you're not being positive at all. Bashing the fuck out of him doesn't make me feel better, not when it comes to someone I've loved for this long and he's dealing with internal and mental shit that no one can possibly understand but I suppose they don't realize that.... I've run out of words. =\