if you build it, they will come
Approximation of conversation with Favorite Cousin in regards to ruling the world (after convo in regards to anxiety about getting shit together for Georgetown class and the equivalent of "if you build it, they will come" from her):
Nanna: Sometimes I think that if I were in charge, things would be better, but then I realize there'd be so much to do that things would slip through the cracks
Me: So when do I get to not be one of those things always slipping through the cracks?
Nanna: Now. Today. Every Day.
Wise woman, that. I love you, Nanna! (And hope you're okay with my paraphrasing; if not, let me know and I shall delete or edit as appropriate.)
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Back in June I had therapy homework.
It was to make a list of who/what/how I wanted to be. The intention was to pick one (or two, if there was a common theme) and focus on that one (and the previous one(s)) for a week or two. Then panic attacks began, sleeplessness kicked me in the guts, my meds quit on me and basically it all went to shit, driving this all to the wayside. So I've decided to use what's left of Lent to resume this exercise.
To be specific, I want to be . . .
1. Present. (In the world, in my life, in the universe, in the moment.)
2a. Someone who puts forth into the world rather than always absorbing from it or observing it from afar.
2b. OPEN to the world.
3a. Unafraid to want or have or try because I'm afraid to lose or fail.
3b. IN CHARGE OF MY FEAR.
4a. Positively Certainly Totally Sure that the world won't end if I fuck it all up.
4b. Okay with not being perfect - either mine or someone else's idea of it.
4c. Adventurous.
Now, the first 2 points I've had some practice with, so I'm comfortable lumping them with 3, a relatively new set. But given my current mental blocks and thematic similarities, I feel I need to add 4.
And now that I've put this all down here in specific terms, it's time to DO. IT. So thursday, as soon as I get home from work and changed out of my work-tainted clothes, I'm registering for the April GU classes and booking a hotel room so I have a place closer to the school to stay (which is worked out for May, just not April). I would do it tomorrow, but I'm working a long shift and then off to the L's for some work (to 'pay' for the energy work two weekends ago) and then a long shift thursday (so I really need to try to get some sleep tomorrow night, especially since it's nearly midnight and I have to leave the house in 5.5 hours for my 9 hours on my feet and I think I'll probably be awake for the next 4 or so). And it's not all a big fat rationalization, I swear. No, seriously, I'M DOING IT THURSDAY. There, it's in writing and I owe you all a post once it's done (assuming somebody out there gives a rat's arse).
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And to bring it back to a lighter level, I'm nearly finished reading Nice Girls Don't Have Fangs by Molly Harper. Hi-freakin-lar-i-ous. Seriously. Librarian-turned-vampire who I have absolutely nothing in common with. *w*
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Also, according to my Pandora Snow Patrol Station, they have an album entitled "When It's All Over We Still Have To Clear Up." How the frak did I not know this? Am I that out of the music loop (I blame the crappy radio driving me to listen to NPR on my short commute)? Where are my fellow Snow Patrol lovers to recommend/squee/generally share the love?
Nanna: Sometimes I think that if I were in charge, things would be better, but then I realize there'd be so much to do that things would slip through the cracks
Me: So when do I get to not be one of those things always slipping through the cracks?
Nanna: Now. Today. Every Day.
Wise woman, that. I love you, Nanna! (And hope you're okay with my paraphrasing; if not, let me know and I shall delete or edit as appropriate.)
-
Back in June I had therapy homework.
It was to make a list of who/what/how I wanted to be. The intention was to pick one (or two, if there was a common theme) and focus on that one (and the previous one(s)) for a week or two. Then panic attacks began, sleeplessness kicked me in the guts, my meds quit on me and basically it all went to shit, driving this all to the wayside. So I've decided to use what's left of Lent to resume this exercise.
To be specific, I want to be . . .
1. Present. (In the world, in my life, in the universe, in the moment.)
2a. Someone who puts forth into the world rather than always absorbing from it or observing it from afar.
2b. OPEN to the world.
3a. Unafraid to want or have or try because I'm afraid to lose or fail.
3b. IN CHARGE OF MY FEAR.
4a. Positively Certainly Totally Sure that the world won't end if I fuck it all up.
4b. Okay with not being perfect - either mine or someone else's idea of it.
4c. Adventurous.
Now, the first 2 points I've had some practice with, so I'm comfortable lumping them with 3, a relatively new set. But given my current mental blocks and thematic similarities, I feel I need to add 4.
And now that I've put this all down here in specific terms, it's time to DO. IT. So thursday, as soon as I get home from work and changed out of my work-tainted clothes, I'm registering for the April GU classes and booking a hotel room so I have a place closer to the school to stay (which is worked out for May, just not April). I would do it tomorrow, but I'm working a long shift and then off to the L's for some work (to 'pay' for the energy work two weekends ago) and then a long shift thursday (so I really need to try to get some sleep tomorrow night, especially since it's nearly midnight and I have to leave the house in 5.5 hours for my 9 hours on my feet and I think I'll probably be awake for the next 4 or so). And it's not all a big fat rationalization, I swear. No, seriously, I'M DOING IT THURSDAY. There, it's in writing and I owe you all a post once it's done (assuming somebody out there gives a rat's arse).
-
And to bring it back to a lighter level, I'm nearly finished reading Nice Girls Don't Have Fangs by Molly Harper. Hi-freakin-lar-i-ous. Seriously. Librarian-turned-vampire who I have absolutely nothing in common with. *w*
-
Also, according to my Pandora Snow Patrol Station, they have an album entitled "When It's All Over We Still Have To Clear Up." How the frak did I not know this? Am I that out of the music loop (I blame the crappy radio driving me to listen to NPR on my short commute)? Where are my fellow Snow Patrol lovers to recommend/squee/generally share the love?