but in truth i'm just as scared
I need a break from my life. Could we just, for a second, stop the world? I don't even need to get off, I just need . . . a moment . . . a nanosecond . . . to just be Me. The Me that transcends the world, the Me that exists just because. The Me that is beyond language, beyond sense, beyond boundaries.
I don't understand people who fear or hate solitude. Or loneliness. I don't understand the people afraid to be alone. I don't understand the people who fear love; who are afraid to be close. Because me? I'm afraid of loss. Of losing the closeness, of giving up the solitude only to be handed it again, not of my own choosing. I don't want to be a mangled heap of grief and loss and anger at the bottom of a ravine, twisted and forced to hobble myself back together. To hobble myself back together only to be alone, again, only this time with the glorious memory of companionship (and let's face it, in the memory it's always glorious sunshine and harps and bliss, regardless of reality).
And thus is the source of my inability to commit. If I doggedly pursue my career path and achieve it, in my mind it will leave me shattered, at some point. (Either because I will fail, or it will fail me and my expectations.) I could make a life here if I committed to it, if I chose to make my home here, but aside from all the reasons I don't like it, I just . . . can't. And I don't know if I could anywhere. There is too much of the world to see. The implications for love in this light is obvious, and I won't discuss it.
And I suppose one could go one's whole life without committing to anything. (And to be frank, the unwillingness to 'settle' physically doesn't bother me a bit.) But then, what? You flow with the river? Which is fine sometimes (and sometimes the only thing you can do because life has kicked you in the soft tissue and you need to float), but sometimes it's not the river; most of the time your life is determined by the actions of others and, if you're lucky, your reactions to them. So you have to make some actual, you know, Decisions.
But what if it's wrong? Oh my gods, the world would come to an end. Of course, I'm smart enough to know this isn't true, but sometimes I don't really Know it. Okay, most of the time it's merely a lower-case knowledge. There is an echo of 'you only get one shot' bouncing around my brain. And it doesn't seem to matter how loud I turn up the other sounds, I can feel the vibrations of that emotion, along with many others. So how do I shut them off? How do I not hear them, since ignoring them doesn't seem to be working?
And should I feel ridiculous that it's taken me 30 years to ask these questions? I mean, a tiny part of me does, but the rest of me realizes I was sort of busy during my teens and early twenties (and pre-adolescence also, oh, and my childhood as well, I suppose), so I guess the stagnation of the last few years is just emotional exhaustion?
I also have issues about whether to post this, so it may go friends-only or private in the future, but this is what's happening to me, what's taking up my brainwaves, and perhaps one of you incredibly smart people will have something brilliant to say. Even if it's only to yourself or in your own headspace.
I don't understand people who fear or hate solitude. Or loneliness. I don't understand the people afraid to be alone. I don't understand the people who fear love; who are afraid to be close. Because me? I'm afraid of loss. Of losing the closeness, of giving up the solitude only to be handed it again, not of my own choosing. I don't want to be a mangled heap of grief and loss and anger at the bottom of a ravine, twisted and forced to hobble myself back together. To hobble myself back together only to be alone, again, only this time with the glorious memory of companionship (and let's face it, in the memory it's always glorious sunshine and harps and bliss, regardless of reality).
And thus is the source of my inability to commit. If I doggedly pursue my career path and achieve it, in my mind it will leave me shattered, at some point. (Either because I will fail, or it will fail me and my expectations.) I could make a life here if I committed to it, if I chose to make my home here, but aside from all the reasons I don't like it, I just . . . can't. And I don't know if I could anywhere. There is too much of the world to see. The implications for love in this light is obvious, and I won't discuss it.
And I suppose one could go one's whole life without committing to anything. (And to be frank, the unwillingness to 'settle' physically doesn't bother me a bit.) But then, what? You flow with the river? Which is fine sometimes (and sometimes the only thing you can do because life has kicked you in the soft tissue and you need to float), but sometimes it's not the river; most of the time your life is determined by the actions of others and, if you're lucky, your reactions to them. So you have to make some actual, you know, Decisions.
But what if it's wrong? Oh my gods, the world would come to an end. Of course, I'm smart enough to know this isn't true, but sometimes I don't really Know it. Okay, most of the time it's merely a lower-case knowledge. There is an echo of 'you only get one shot' bouncing around my brain. And it doesn't seem to matter how loud I turn up the other sounds, I can feel the vibrations of that emotion, along with many others. So how do I shut them off? How do I not hear them, since ignoring them doesn't seem to be working?
And should I feel ridiculous that it's taken me 30 years to ask these questions? I mean, a tiny part of me does, but the rest of me realizes I was sort of busy during my teens and early twenties (and pre-adolescence also, oh, and my childhood as well, I suppose), so I guess the stagnation of the last few years is just emotional exhaustion?
I also have issues about whether to post this, so it may go friends-only or private in the future, but this is what's happening to me, what's taking up my brainwaves, and perhaps one of you incredibly smart people will have something brilliant to say. Even if it's only to yourself or in your own headspace.