Impermanence
My grandmother died.
I called the night before, thinking I would visit her.
My uncle told me she was having trouble breathing.
The next day she died.
I went to my house two days later to help clean.
I cleaned for two days, ten hours. It made a small dent.
Why was she so attached to clothes and stuff?
She couldn't throw anything away, or let anyone else do it.
She was very upset before she died.
She was afraid to die, but at the same time wished she could just hurry up and stop suffering.
Like many old people, she had become more religious as she declined.
It didn't seem to help her very much though.
She still suffered a lot emotionally.
I'm trying to understand why.
I feel like these Christians didn't help her very much, and it is easy for them to say the sort of things they say, but it did no good in the end.
It just confuses things.
Why should she have had to suffer like that, when she could have had the choice to end it peacefully?
I feel bitter, because it's like sometimes Christians want people to suffer so they'll cling to the church, so they go about saying that all sorts of actions that could prevent suffering are a sin.
And so we have a whole society and a whole world, with hard hearts that do nothing to prevent the bad situations that result from the things they teach.
It's like they encourage clinging.
Clinging to hope, clinging to life, clinging to the church, clinging to faith, etc.
What about letting go and letting God?
What about letting go of your suffering, instead of clinging to what's killing you?
So, just from seeing her situation, I don't think that faith helped her.
By then, when you know you're at the end of your life, and death is near, I think it is too little too late.
I don't say the complete truth very often, but with death so close, I will.
Christianity is based on divine revelation, which is basically the visions of people that are not in their right minds. Just like talking to my mother, sometimes it makes sense and sometimes it doesn't. Overall, the rate of spiritual progress is too slow for how short life can be, and the results are inconsistent. Mother Teresa, despite her saintly life, doubted, and suffered because of it. This kind of confusion is the antithesis of spiritual progress.
Buddhism, despite seeming an impossible task, at least results in a clear mind.
Seeing the urgency of the problem of suffering, it is better to be efficient and seach directly for the solution instead of looking for vague notions, such as faith, salvation, grace, etc.
I have cried only a little. I feel like we never knew each other really, and we never really saw each others' suffering, and we never really found a solution for it. So, I'm still hurt from all the ways she hurt me, and I'm still suffering from all the ways I hurt her.
All I can do is wear black, and think about impermanence.
Radiant faces in the morning,
by evening may turn into white ashes.
The winds of impermanence blow,
our eyes are instantly closed,
and our breath stops forever.
Namu Amida Butsu.