So that's what it is!
I recently had a conversation with a friend of mine. To me, this cracked the nut. It reframed the way I see help.
My friend remembered the scandals at her home when her mom was screaming "Help!" And her dad was giving an advice or his point of view, and after that the mom yelled even louder that that was not help. Then dad did whatever that was himself, and the mom kept criticizing it for a long long time afterwards. My friend since childhood does everything by herself, and does not ask for help.
It is a dynamic with a baby. When a little baby cannot do something, it gets frustrated, and cries for help. In baby's case (or infantile personality), a help is doing something for him, not with him. In case of a parent (or a survivor) it is all about doing it by himself without an outside help - there is simply no one around who can be relied on.
And so the healthy balance is asking for extra resources from the other, so I can tap in or find my own new resources to carry on. Like a child asking a parent to help with cooking, and a parent either offers supplies or showing a kid how its done or simply stays present to give a kid more confidence. The end result - maybe today, or maybe a month from now - is that a kid can do it comfortably by himself.
Real help is not about doing something, but rather about giving a break or a push to the other, so he can open up his own resource. Real help makes another person stronger (more resourceful). And that is awesome!
PS. First thing that came to mind is "give a man a fish" vs "teach a man how to fish". Amazingly, it is not one vs another, it is one and another. Giving a fish is a break, without which nothing else sometimes can happen, it opens a basic ability to function. Teaching how to fish is a push, which taps into unopened yet resources. Wow!
My friend remembered the scandals at her home when her mom was screaming "Help!" And her dad was giving an advice or his point of view, and after that the mom yelled even louder that that was not help. Then dad did whatever that was himself, and the mom kept criticizing it for a long long time afterwards. My friend since childhood does everything by herself, and does not ask for help.
It is a dynamic with a baby. When a little baby cannot do something, it gets frustrated, and cries for help. In baby's case (or infantile personality), a help is doing something for him, not with him. In case of a parent (or a survivor) it is all about doing it by himself without an outside help - there is simply no one around who can be relied on.
And so the healthy balance is asking for extra resources from the other, so I can tap in or find my own new resources to carry on. Like a child asking a parent to help with cooking, and a parent either offers supplies or showing a kid how its done or simply stays present to give a kid more confidence. The end result - maybe today, or maybe a month from now - is that a kid can do it comfortably by himself.
Real help is not about doing something, but rather about giving a break or a push to the other, so he can open up his own resource. Real help makes another person stronger (more resourceful). And that is awesome!
PS. First thing that came to mind is "give a man a fish" vs "teach a man how to fish". Amazingly, it is not one vs another, it is one and another. Giving a fish is a break, without which nothing else sometimes can happen, it opens a basic ability to function. Teaching how to fish is a push, which taps into unopened yet resources. Wow!