Crazy.
this morning I woke up crazy. I sat for hours, Frou Frou on repeat, thinking of everything. I hear constant reminders of how bad I am, then how horrible it is that my self esteem is so low. I felt like sobbing into my pillow and never stopping. I thought of all the jobs in the world, and how the ones of models and celebrities are most admired. It's horrible. I hate living in American 2006. I truly and wholly, without fishing for compliments, know and think there is absolutely nothing special about me at all. I will die useless and remembered maybe by a few kids from high school, barely a wisp of my heart left in Golden Valley. I try, i really do. I know what it feels like to be hurt over and over, to be screwed over by anyone and everyone that you know and love and trust. I seriously try to be nice to everyone. I really, really do. Monique says it's because I'm trying to be "accepted by everyone". That's not it at all. I've had a lot of people not accept me, and I don't push it. but that's why my personality changes around others, to keep them comfortable. Whether or not this is a good trait, it is one of mine. I was so unbelievably hurt by Monique yesterday when she said in a text, if you can't appreciate it, fuck you about her faith in me. I value faith in me more than anything in the world, considering I get very little of it from myself. I feel horrible about hurting Kerstin yesterday. I don't know what to do about it though. Monique says there's nothing TO do other than not change around people. I am not content with my personality, though, so how can I NOT? I be whoever I feel like at the time, it has only a fraction to do with who I am with. I really really hate when people tell me over and over, "this is what you do and why you do it." how the FUCK would they know? that's one thing i adore immensly and hate about Kee's personality. That she's very blunt, but will INSIST that she knows why i do the things i do. My motives are my own, not anyone elses.
I'm so bad at living. I figured that out. It reminds me horribly of my mother. That I'm so unfathomably confsed about everything I have ever or will ever do, that it keeps me from doing what I should be. I can't seem to do anything right, and when I finally get the gist of my soul that I have things under control, they all flip flop and change, twisting around and making me feel like i jinxed it. I have such horrible, low self esteem. I'm trying to fix it. Right when I get something I can be proud of, something changes.
Of course I care what others think. Joe Speers, a boy in my journalism class, called my poetry "crap". Of course that affected me. People told me to "brush it off", and "ignore him", and "who cares what he thinks?" But as long as I live in a world of Them, I can't NOT care. It's just how I am.
I almost lost the closest thing i have to a best friend last night. Monique is everything that is what I look up to. She amazes me and understands me and is always there for me. but last night, being the stupid ruin-lives bitch that I am, she almost left forever. I am THIS close to tears again just thinking about it.
Apologies fix everything for me. If someone did something absolutely horrible, but then came to me and said fully and truthfully, "I'm Sorry", it would mend my heart. I'm always amazed when I mean my apologies so whole-heartedly, and people say "I don't need or want your apology". This is one of the things that can break my heart in two full, cracked pieces.
I'm so bad at living. I figured that out. It reminds me horribly of my mother. That I'm so unfathomably confsed about everything I have ever or will ever do, that it keeps me from doing what I should be. I can't seem to do anything right, and when I finally get the gist of my soul that I have things under control, they all flip flop and change, twisting around and making me feel like i jinxed it. I have such horrible, low self esteem. I'm trying to fix it. Right when I get something I can be proud of, something changes.
Of course I care what others think. Joe Speers, a boy in my journalism class, called my poetry "crap". Of course that affected me. People told me to "brush it off", and "ignore him", and "who cares what he thinks?" But as long as I live in a world of Them, I can't NOT care. It's just how I am.
I almost lost the closest thing i have to a best friend last night. Monique is everything that is what I look up to. She amazes me and understands me and is always there for me. but last night, being the stupid ruin-lives bitch that I am, she almost left forever. I am THIS close to tears again just thinking about it.
Apologies fix everything for me. If someone did something absolutely horrible, but then came to me and said fully and truthfully, "I'm Sorry", it would mend my heart. I'm always amazed when I mean my apologies so whole-heartedly, and people say "I don't need or want your apology". This is one of the things that can break my heart in two full, cracked pieces.