cross-posted to jam_pony_fic.
Title: Can't And Won't
Prompt: Amnesia
Rating: I don't know, same as the show. PG, I guess.
Summary: And now it's over, just like that, before it had a chance to really begin.
And it's my fault.
Author's Notes: Written in Max's POV. Takes place immediately after the scene in Logan's apartment in Hello, Goodbye, right before Alec comes to join her on the Needle.
Inside I was a child
That could not mend a broken wing
Outside I looked for a way
To teach my heart to sing
And I'll remember the love that you gave me
Now that I'm standing on my own
I'll remember the way that you changed me
I'll remember
I learned to let go
Of the illusion that we can possess
I learned to let go
I travel in stillness
And I'll remember happiness
I'll remember
-I'll Remember, Madonna
"I can't. It's over. We're done. Get used to it."
Even as I say the words and walk away, I can't believe it's really happening. I feel like I'm having an out of body experience, like I'm watching myself on some stupid pre-Pulse TV show and I want to scream at the main character to stop, turn around, stop doing this, stop hurting him, he loves you.
But I can't. I can't do this anymore. Because it's not just hurting him, it's hurting me, maybe hurting me even more because I know that I'm poison, know that even without the virus standing in the way I'd only end up getting him hurt.
Or worse.
What's worse than it ending the way it did was remembering. Remembering that whole first year together without really being together, finding out we could have been like that the whole time if only we'd just stopped being stupid and stubborn and admitted to each other how we were really feeling.
All we've had during the time we were officially more than friends or business partners or whatever was a few kisses, a few stolen hours and the pain of not doing the things that used to come easily to us because we couldn't so much as touch each other. It was like the first year all over again, only we were dancing around each other literally instead of metaphorically.
And now it's over, just like that, before it had a chance to really begin.
And it's my fault.
I'm sitting on the Needle now, thinking about this, almost hoping something could knock me out, knock both of us out, so that we could get amnesia and forget about ever meeting each other, because we were both so much better off without each other.
At Manticore, they trained us to forget things, in case we were tortured for information. I should have done that back when I was recaptured - then maybe none of this would be an issue at all. But I didn't want to forget him when I was back there. I wanted to hold onto something that made me remember that I was more than a soldier.
I want to hold on to the memories, the good and the bad, as painful as they are to think about right now. I don't know if I would be able go back to the "live for herself" girl I was two years ago.
I don't know if I would want to.
And if I erased all the painful memories, I'd have to give up the good ones. The dinners. The inside jokes. The friendship. Even if I've lost all that forever, I don't entirely want to let it go.
And I don't know if I could, even if I tried my hardest to forget every detail. There would always be something that would remind me that something wasn't quite right, or make the memories come rushingback. Like seeing a red bathrobe in a store. Or someone ordering pasta tri-colore for dinner in a restaraunt. The smell of Original Cindy's grapefruit body wash.
So I sit and think and remember it all, from breaking into his apartment to breaking his heart, and I hope I can get through this. Shouldn't be too hard, right? If I've made it through as much as I have in my life and I'm still standing, I can get through this, too.
It hurts. It hurts way more than I ever thought was possible. But I'll get used to it. Survive it.
It's what I do.
Prompt: Amnesia
Rating: I don't know, same as the show. PG, I guess.
Summary: And now it's over, just like that, before it had a chance to really begin.
And it's my fault.
Author's Notes: Written in Max's POV. Takes place immediately after the scene in Logan's apartment in Hello, Goodbye, right before Alec comes to join her on the Needle.
Inside I was a child
That could not mend a broken wing
Outside I looked for a way
To teach my heart to sing
And I'll remember the love that you gave me
Now that I'm standing on my own
I'll remember the way that you changed me
I'll remember
I learned to let go
Of the illusion that we can possess
I learned to let go
I travel in stillness
And I'll remember happiness
I'll remember
-I'll Remember, Madonna
"I can't. It's over. We're done. Get used to it."
Even as I say the words and walk away, I can't believe it's really happening. I feel like I'm having an out of body experience, like I'm watching myself on some stupid pre-Pulse TV show and I want to scream at the main character to stop, turn around, stop doing this, stop hurting him, he loves you.
But I can't. I can't do this anymore. Because it's not just hurting him, it's hurting me, maybe hurting me even more because I know that I'm poison, know that even without the virus standing in the way I'd only end up getting him hurt.
Or worse.
What's worse than it ending the way it did was remembering. Remembering that whole first year together without really being together, finding out we could have been like that the whole time if only we'd just stopped being stupid and stubborn and admitted to each other how we were really feeling.
All we've had during the time we were officially more than friends or business partners or whatever was a few kisses, a few stolen hours and the pain of not doing the things that used to come easily to us because we couldn't so much as touch each other. It was like the first year all over again, only we were dancing around each other literally instead of metaphorically.
And now it's over, just like that, before it had a chance to really begin.
And it's my fault.
I'm sitting on the Needle now, thinking about this, almost hoping something could knock me out, knock both of us out, so that we could get amnesia and forget about ever meeting each other, because we were both so much better off without each other.
At Manticore, they trained us to forget things, in case we were tortured for information. I should have done that back when I was recaptured - then maybe none of this would be an issue at all. But I didn't want to forget him when I was back there. I wanted to hold onto something that made me remember that I was more than a soldier.
I want to hold on to the memories, the good and the bad, as painful as they are to think about right now. I don't know if I would be able go back to the "live for herself" girl I was two years ago.
I don't know if I would want to.
And if I erased all the painful memories, I'd have to give up the good ones. The dinners. The inside jokes. The friendship. Even if I've lost all that forever, I don't entirely want to let it go.
And I don't know if I could, even if I tried my hardest to forget every detail. There would always be something that would remind me that something wasn't quite right, or make the memories come rushingback. Like seeing a red bathrobe in a store. Or someone ordering pasta tri-colore for dinner in a restaraunt. The smell of Original Cindy's grapefruit body wash.
So I sit and think and remember it all, from breaking into his apartment to breaking his heart, and I hope I can get through this. Shouldn't be too hard, right? If I've made it through as much as I have in my life and I'm still standing, I can get through this, too.
It hurts. It hurts way more than I ever thought was possible. But I'll get used to it. Survive it.
It's what I do.