Hurt.
I feel, right now, like I'm being stabbed by a pocketknife from a thousand different directions.
It's hard, these little hurts. They come from all sorts of sources. They come from the people closest to me, from good friends and from acquaintances alike. They come from people whom I respect. Some of whom I've put faith in.
I feel betrayed. It's weird, because it comes with the knowledge that no one, not anyone of the half dozen people who have metaphorically stabbed me over the last week, have intended to. Only two are even aware they might have. Both of them waved it off.
It wasn't our intention to hurt you, they said. So we didn't. Stop worrying/thinking/reacting about it.
They're small hurts, in the grand scheme of things. They're slight things, that on their own wouldn't cause so much damage. But I'm fragile, now. It's coming up on Feb, my worst month. It's the middle of winter and I'm suffering from SAD, PMS, stress and loneliness, in addition to my usual depression. Being hurt - not quite attacked, though some of these were if still unintentional, and some of these were accidents, albeit stupid ones - has me, well, bleeding out. I feel empty. Worn down. Thin and overstretched and sharp and brittle. I alternately want to stand on my roof and shout until someone hears me, and curl into a ball and cry and make the world suck less.
It's a terrible confusion.
Part of it is the fact I'm smarter, these days. I know more. Some days I wish I didn't know so much. It'd be easier if I were ignorant, because I could laugh it off and not know any better and it wouldn't hurt. Of course, even the fact that I could consider that is privileged it itself, and I feel guilty for wanting the ignorance back when so many people don't get that choice. Still, it's a thought I have on days like this, because I'm human, and being human means we all have our weaknesses and flaws.
If I could shout, I'd scream to the world through a bullhorn. Dear world; I would start. please consider:
Just because you do not mean to hurt someone does not mean you have not hurt someone.
Just because you do not intend to be racist does not mean you are not being racist.
Just because you do not mean to be sexist, ableist, or homophobic, does not mean you have not just done so.
Racist/Ableist/Sexist jokes? Yes. Sometimes they are funny. (Often they're not.) But please remember these 'jokes' are still Racist, Ableist, or Sexist. Being a joke does not change what they are at the core.
Just because you find something funny does not mean I, or other people do.
And when someone, anyone - when I bring up the point of 'hey, that thing you said? that thing you did? That was less than cool. I found it a little offensive.' I wish the reaction wasn't to find a way to tell me how they were right, and I was wrong for being offended. It should not be to find fault with me as a person, to bring up a similar and yet not the same point and show how since I've said something in the past, or not commented on point B, they have free reign to say what they want. It'd be awesome too if they didn't explain that since they didn't intend to offend, it wasn't offensive, because what they are doing is completely disregarding my feelings and opinions and existence and stating theirs is better. Not only that, but they're telling me that not only should I not feel how I feel - I should feel how they do. It's beyond fucked up. And it hurts. Like hell.
Over the last week and a bit, I've been told that adopted children aren't loved as much by their parents, nor are they as worthwhile and that all parents would prefer birth children and anything else is strange*. I've been told that bisexual people 'just haven't figured it out yet' and that cute metrosexual boys become male prostitutes sucking cock on the street. I've had my asexual friends labelled as 'awkward' and my transgendered friends labelled as freaks. I've been judged for holding people up to the same standards those judging have used for themselves, and for having a personal opinion (which is very, very different from a public one). I've been told that relationships aren't 'real' unless there's sex involved, in a certain timeframe.
Those are just some of the points, ones I can say here, because none of it was said by any of you.
Part of the problem is that saying "hey, that wasn't cool" is hard. It's frightening to get up the courage to do it, for me anyway. Worse is the fact that telling someone they did something wrong is the ultimate insult, these days. It's always heard as "you are wrong", and then it becomes the debate as outlined above. Either they didn't mean to be offensive - so they weren't, or all their friends thought it was funny, so there's something wrong with me (and, you know, anyone else who might have a problem with it). Or they'd intended it to be examined from this specific angle, and that any other angle or interpretation - no matter how the word or phrase or action would be interpreted by the rest of the damn world - was wrong.
It's hard to be wrong, these days. It's hard to say 'hey, I screwed up, I offended someone and I'm sorry." No one wants to do it and the initial, kneejerk reaction that we all tend to cling to is 'no I wasn't, no I didn't, this is why you're wrong instead'. I do this myself all the time - every day, and when I'm lucky I catch myself, and try to stop, but it's hard. I find it nearly as hard as calling someone out for making a mistake themselves. It's an uphill battle, and it makes it difficult to stay angry at the people who do make those mistakes (and I want to call them mistakes, not intentional choices to be a fucking jackass, even though sometimes it is the latter). No one wants to be wrong.
With everything I know, I realize how little I really know. It silences me in a completely different way. It robs me of the comfort I once had to speak about these things, from joining conversations about ableism and racism and the problems in Hati and how US foreign Policy is fucked up and the events in Egypt. I'm terrified I'll say something wrong, make an assumption, offend - I'm afraid someone will label me wrong, and I won't be equipped to defend myself. And even that feeling is wrong, because if I screw up, I screw up - I shouldn't have to defend myself. I should be able to say sorry and learn and move on. It doesn't help that for too long I listened to people who, when I messed up, would attack me, not what I said. And that's a huge distinction - that thing you said was wrong, was racist, was uncool is a very, very different beast that you are wrong, you are racist. I know I'm not a racist, but that doesn't mean I can't be racist sometimes, or abelist, or a jerk. Action and intent are different things, after all. And we all make mistakes.
So I know my friends, my family, my co workers, my associates and acquaintances don't intend for the things they say and do to hurt. But sometimes they do, and I wish like hell I had more strength to bring it up more often - and that when I do, things would change. Because it isn't that I haven't tried to speak up - it's that every time I have, I've been silenced. And I'm losing faith I'll eve be able to make the impression I'm desperatley striving for, either because of my own lack of skill at the topic, or my audience's complete disinterest in even considering, just for a moment, that they were wrong.
*This amazing point was followed by
Me: "You do know I'm adopted, right?"
Him: "Right! That's why I mentioned it!"
No comments. Because while this is such a huge, important thing to me, I'm still struggling and working through my own head - it isn't something I can converse about. I hope I can one day, but not today.
It's hard, these little hurts. They come from all sorts of sources. They come from the people closest to me, from good friends and from acquaintances alike. They come from people whom I respect. Some of whom I've put faith in.
I feel betrayed. It's weird, because it comes with the knowledge that no one, not anyone of the half dozen people who have metaphorically stabbed me over the last week, have intended to. Only two are even aware they might have. Both of them waved it off.
It wasn't our intention to hurt you, they said. So we didn't. Stop worrying/thinking/reacting about it.
They're small hurts, in the grand scheme of things. They're slight things, that on their own wouldn't cause so much damage. But I'm fragile, now. It's coming up on Feb, my worst month. It's the middle of winter and I'm suffering from SAD, PMS, stress and loneliness, in addition to my usual depression. Being hurt - not quite attacked, though some of these were if still unintentional, and some of these were accidents, albeit stupid ones - has me, well, bleeding out. I feel empty. Worn down. Thin and overstretched and sharp and brittle. I alternately want to stand on my roof and shout until someone hears me, and curl into a ball and cry and make the world suck less.
It's a terrible confusion.
Part of it is the fact I'm smarter, these days. I know more. Some days I wish I didn't know so much. It'd be easier if I were ignorant, because I could laugh it off and not know any better and it wouldn't hurt. Of course, even the fact that I could consider that is privileged it itself, and I feel guilty for wanting the ignorance back when so many people don't get that choice. Still, it's a thought I have on days like this, because I'm human, and being human means we all have our weaknesses and flaws.
If I could shout, I'd scream to the world through a bullhorn. Dear world; I would start. please consider:
Just because you do not mean to hurt someone does not mean you have not hurt someone.
Just because you do not intend to be racist does not mean you are not being racist.
Just because you do not mean to be sexist, ableist, or homophobic, does not mean you have not just done so.
Racist/Ableist/Sexist jokes? Yes. Sometimes they are funny. (Often they're not.) But please remember these 'jokes' are still Racist, Ableist, or Sexist. Being a joke does not change what they are at the core.
Just because you find something funny does not mean I, or other people do.
And when someone, anyone - when I bring up the point of 'hey, that thing you said? that thing you did? That was less than cool. I found it a little offensive.' I wish the reaction wasn't to find a way to tell me how they were right, and I was wrong for being offended. It should not be to find fault with me as a person, to bring up a similar and yet not the same point and show how since I've said something in the past, or not commented on point B, they have free reign to say what they want. It'd be awesome too if they didn't explain that since they didn't intend to offend, it wasn't offensive, because what they are doing is completely disregarding my feelings and opinions and existence and stating theirs is better. Not only that, but they're telling me that not only should I not feel how I feel - I should feel how they do. It's beyond fucked up. And it hurts. Like hell.
Over the last week and a bit, I've been told that adopted children aren't loved as much by their parents, nor are they as worthwhile and that all parents would prefer birth children and anything else is strange*. I've been told that bisexual people 'just haven't figured it out yet' and that cute metrosexual boys become male prostitutes sucking cock on the street. I've had my asexual friends labelled as 'awkward' and my transgendered friends labelled as freaks. I've been judged for holding people up to the same standards those judging have used for themselves, and for having a personal opinion (which is very, very different from a public one). I've been told that relationships aren't 'real' unless there's sex involved, in a certain timeframe.
Those are just some of the points, ones I can say here, because none of it was said by any of you.
Part of the problem is that saying "hey, that wasn't cool" is hard. It's frightening to get up the courage to do it, for me anyway. Worse is the fact that telling someone they did something wrong is the ultimate insult, these days. It's always heard as "you are wrong", and then it becomes the debate as outlined above. Either they didn't mean to be offensive - so they weren't, or all their friends thought it was funny, so there's something wrong with me (and, you know, anyone else who might have a problem with it). Or they'd intended it to be examined from this specific angle, and that any other angle or interpretation - no matter how the word or phrase or action would be interpreted by the rest of the damn world - was wrong.
It's hard to be wrong, these days. It's hard to say 'hey, I screwed up, I offended someone and I'm sorry." No one wants to do it and the initial, kneejerk reaction that we all tend to cling to is 'no I wasn't, no I didn't, this is why you're wrong instead'. I do this myself all the time - every day, and when I'm lucky I catch myself, and try to stop, but it's hard. I find it nearly as hard as calling someone out for making a mistake themselves. It's an uphill battle, and it makes it difficult to stay angry at the people who do make those mistakes (and I want to call them mistakes, not intentional choices to be a fucking jackass, even though sometimes it is the latter). No one wants to be wrong.
With everything I know, I realize how little I really know. It silences me in a completely different way. It robs me of the comfort I once had to speak about these things, from joining conversations about ableism and racism and the problems in Hati and how US foreign Policy is fucked up and the events in Egypt. I'm terrified I'll say something wrong, make an assumption, offend - I'm afraid someone will label me wrong, and I won't be equipped to defend myself. And even that feeling is wrong, because if I screw up, I screw up - I shouldn't have to defend myself. I should be able to say sorry and learn and move on. It doesn't help that for too long I listened to people who, when I messed up, would attack me, not what I said. And that's a huge distinction - that thing you said was wrong, was racist, was uncool is a very, very different beast that you are wrong, you are racist. I know I'm not a racist, but that doesn't mean I can't be racist sometimes, or abelist, or a jerk. Action and intent are different things, after all. And we all make mistakes.
So I know my friends, my family, my co workers, my associates and acquaintances don't intend for the things they say and do to hurt. But sometimes they do, and I wish like hell I had more strength to bring it up more often - and that when I do, things would change. Because it isn't that I haven't tried to speak up - it's that every time I have, I've been silenced. And I'm losing faith I'll eve be able to make the impression I'm desperatley striving for, either because of my own lack of skill at the topic, or my audience's complete disinterest in even considering, just for a moment, that they were wrong.
*This amazing point was followed by
Me: "You do know I'm adopted, right?"
Him: "Right! That's why I mentioned it!"
No comments. Because while this is such a huge, important thing to me, I'm still struggling and working through my own head - it isn't something I can converse about. I hope I can one day, but not today.