There is nothing appropriate to title here.
I want to say thank you to everyone who filled out/commented on my post about Sexual Assault and dealing with feelings of 'safety'. I don't have the ability to reply to everyone - it's a subject too close to my heart to really have a discussion on, which was why I asked for people to respect me by not bringing up upsetting arguments, and I especially am grateful that many of you managed that. Thank you. I'm proud that many of my friends understand my need for a safe space.
Since I think it wasn't clear, based on some of the replies, it's totally all right if the poll didn't fit you in questions, or if your answers were no. I wasn't attempting to have a scientific poll (I mean, I don't really think I could use my journal for a scientific poll, or even an unbiased one...) It was a poll to see if there were other people who thought in the same way I did about specific things - the answer being yes, so hey, I'm not alone or crazy. This makes me feel better. I had a moment of wonder about that.
And sadly, that's all I really have to say about the subject. It's not something I can talk about, unless we're using talk as a nice euphemism for 'rant for hours on end with vengeful fiery rage'.
Now, onto that Meme I started. Like I said- it's 30 topics, 30 days... but not in 30 days...
Your First Love, in great detail.
You know? I don't have nice stories about my first loves. I was very stupid. I fell for the unreachable, selfish, and unattainable. I was tricked, lied to, and manipulated. I crushed on people who did nothing but hurt me in turn - badly. It took Fo to teach me that I was a valuable human being, and someone worth being loved. She built me up as a person, a fact that I will always be ever greatful for, because I would not be who I am, in the relationship I am, as happy as I am, without the support she gave me.
So why don't I write about my FIRST, TRUE LOVE? The one I have never abandoned? That would be reading. I am addicted to reading. It's actually been problematic, at times. For one thing, I developed a compulsive need to FINISH THE STORY NO MATTER WHAT RIGHT NOW when I began reading. This meant several things: I am a very fast reader. Very fast. I might not be the fastest out of my entire group of acquaintances - but I would put money down that I am in the top ten of everyone I know. I am very engaged when I read - the house could, literally, fall down around me and I would not notice. As a kid this meant I would miss phone calls and the doorbell. As an adult I miss bus stops, and walk into people a lot. I have sat and read tomes for upwards of 12 hours without stopping for food. I can not fall asleep while reading, and reading is not something I should be doing 'before bed' unless 'bed' doesn't matter when I finish the book. Because I will. (Exceptions made for things I have memorized from re-reading). I have the ability to re-read books pretty much indefinitely, which means everything I own is dogeared and looks second hand, even if they're only a year old. I have, in the entirety of my life, only not finished one book - and even then I skimmed to the end. That was The Wooden Sword, a book that was so badly written I have it etched upon my memory.
Here, have a review that sums it up well enough:
Berika is a shepherd from Gorse who wants to avoid marriage to Hirmin, a man disfigured in body and mind, and she prays for any way out of it. What she gets is Dart, who might be a fetch, a kind of demon, but is in fact the long-lost brother of the Donitor, Fenklare's political leader. Berika and Dart leave Gorse to find their destiny, but suddenly Berika is reluctant to go, in one of many mood shifts the young woman undergoes for the sole purpose of moving the plot along. Indeed, the entire novel consists of things just happening for no reason save to advance the plot. The wooden sword of the title does not appear until Dart needs it to kill Hirmin, after which it is more or less ignored. Once Hirmin is dead, the Author doesn't seem to know what to do with Berika, who floats through the book being alternately worried, confused and manipulated by Driskolt, the Donitor's son, who wants revenge for humiliation at Dart's hands. The characters are neither well drawn nor sympathetic; the plot is full of contrivances and the prose poorly constructed. While the ending is inconclusive, no sequel is announced.
It's a terrible book. So terrible I don't recommend even laughing at it. Anyway, I will forever remember it as the book that I Didn't Want To Read. It's followed by the fifth Harry potter book, that I hated and kept putting down to go do something more entertaining like watch TV after every other chapter, and the Second Temeraire book, where LOTS OF STUFF HAPPENED but I kept waiting for THINGS TO HAPPEN and somehow got the end and.. nothing had happened.
One of the other reasons I read as compulsively as I do is that reading gives me an endorphin high. Seriously. It sounds odd, but reading a good story - be it fic or published novel - will make my brain light up like I'm on crack. I get dopey, happy, my heart rate will increase as action happens... this high will stick with me while I read, and for hours and hours after I'm done. If the story was a cliffhanger, I'll get it and background anxiety that DEMANDS I KNOW WHAT HAPPENS NEXT GOD DAMN YOU. This is why I don't read works in progress, ongoing series that don't have a definite end or where things won't be concluded in each book... not unless I know they're finished, i have all the books in my hands, AND I have a few days to sit and do nothing but read. I'm obsessive. It was a problem in school because I couldn't stop reading in class.. (though it amused teachers I'd get an assigned book Tuesday first period... and I'd be done for the next class and asking if there was a sequel...)
I've had ongoing love affairs* with Tamora Pierce, Patricia C Wrede, David Weber, Garth Nix, Neil Gaiman, Kurt Vonnegut, Robert Asprin, Piers Anthony, Orson Scott Card, Robert J Sawyer, Mark Twain, Shel Silverstein, and of course Terry Pratchett,
*some have long dwindled into fond memories and little else...
In short, I really, really love reading. And it really has been my first love.
Since I think it wasn't clear, based on some of the replies, it's totally all right if the poll didn't fit you in questions, or if your answers were no. I wasn't attempting to have a scientific poll (I mean, I don't really think I could use my journal for a scientific poll, or even an unbiased one...) It was a poll to see if there were other people who thought in the same way I did about specific things - the answer being yes, so hey, I'm not alone or crazy. This makes me feel better. I had a moment of wonder about that.
And sadly, that's all I really have to say about the subject. It's not something I can talk about, unless we're using talk as a nice euphemism for 'rant for hours on end with vengeful fiery rage'.
Now, onto that Meme I started. Like I said- it's 30 topics, 30 days... but not in 30 days...
Your First Love, in great detail.
You know? I don't have nice stories about my first loves. I was very stupid. I fell for the unreachable, selfish, and unattainable. I was tricked, lied to, and manipulated. I crushed on people who did nothing but hurt me in turn - badly. It took Fo to teach me that I was a valuable human being, and someone worth being loved. She built me up as a person, a fact that I will always be ever greatful for, because I would not be who I am, in the relationship I am, as happy as I am, without the support she gave me.
So why don't I write about my FIRST, TRUE LOVE? The one I have never abandoned? That would be reading. I am addicted to reading. It's actually been problematic, at times. For one thing, I developed a compulsive need to FINISH THE STORY NO MATTER WHAT RIGHT NOW when I began reading. This meant several things: I am a very fast reader. Very fast. I might not be the fastest out of my entire group of acquaintances - but I would put money down that I am in the top ten of everyone I know. I am very engaged when I read - the house could, literally, fall down around me and I would not notice. As a kid this meant I would miss phone calls and the doorbell. As an adult I miss bus stops, and walk into people a lot. I have sat and read tomes for upwards of 12 hours without stopping for food. I can not fall asleep while reading, and reading is not something I should be doing 'before bed' unless 'bed' doesn't matter when I finish the book. Because I will. (Exceptions made for things I have memorized from re-reading). I have the ability to re-read books pretty much indefinitely, which means everything I own is dogeared and looks second hand, even if they're only a year old. I have, in the entirety of my life, only not finished one book - and even then I skimmed to the end. That was The Wooden Sword, a book that was so badly written I have it etched upon my memory.
Here, have a review that sums it up well enough:
Berika is a shepherd from Gorse who wants to avoid marriage to Hirmin, a man disfigured in body and mind, and she prays for any way out of it. What she gets is Dart, who might be a fetch, a kind of demon, but is in fact the long-lost brother of the Donitor, Fenklare's political leader. Berika and Dart leave Gorse to find their destiny, but suddenly Berika is reluctant to go, in one of many mood shifts the young woman undergoes for the sole purpose of moving the plot along. Indeed, the entire novel consists of things just happening for no reason save to advance the plot. The wooden sword of the title does not appear until Dart needs it to kill Hirmin, after which it is more or less ignored. Once Hirmin is dead, the Author doesn't seem to know what to do with Berika, who floats through the book being alternately worried, confused and manipulated by Driskolt, the Donitor's son, who wants revenge for humiliation at Dart's hands. The characters are neither well drawn nor sympathetic; the plot is full of contrivances and the prose poorly constructed. While the ending is inconclusive, no sequel is announced.
It's a terrible book. So terrible I don't recommend even laughing at it. Anyway, I will forever remember it as the book that I Didn't Want To Read. It's followed by the fifth Harry potter book, that I hated and kept putting down to go do something more entertaining like watch TV after every other chapter, and the Second Temeraire book, where LOTS OF STUFF HAPPENED but I kept waiting for THINGS TO HAPPEN and somehow got the end and.. nothing had happened.
One of the other reasons I read as compulsively as I do is that reading gives me an endorphin high. Seriously. It sounds odd, but reading a good story - be it fic or published novel - will make my brain light up like I'm on crack. I get dopey, happy, my heart rate will increase as action happens... this high will stick with me while I read, and for hours and hours after I'm done. If the story was a cliffhanger, I'll get it and background anxiety that DEMANDS I KNOW WHAT HAPPENS NEXT GOD DAMN YOU. This is why I don't read works in progress, ongoing series that don't have a definite end or where things won't be concluded in each book... not unless I know they're finished, i have all the books in my hands, AND I have a few days to sit and do nothing but read. I'm obsessive. It was a problem in school because I couldn't stop reading in class.. (though it amused teachers I'd get an assigned book Tuesday first period... and I'd be done for the next class and asking if there was a sequel...)
I've had ongoing love affairs* with Tamora Pierce, Patricia C Wrede, David Weber, Garth Nix, Neil Gaiman, Kurt Vonnegut, Robert Asprin, Piers Anthony, Orson Scott Card, Robert J Sawyer, Mark Twain, Shel Silverstein, and of course Terry Pratchett,
*some have long dwindled into fond memories and little else...
In short, I really, really love reading. And it really has been my first love.