The Play's the thing
Scene: Brice's apartment. It is the living space of a newly-separated 35 year old. The feel is "mismatched" and "loaner", but not dorm room, or frat house. It is neither messy nor cluttered, and the furniture is of higher quality. We join Brice and Dave in mid-conversation.
DAVE: So, lunch was good.
BRICE: Lunch, itself, was great. The food was fantastic, it always is, and talking with Liz was so easy and comfortable, it always is.
DAVE: Liz is awesome. You two are just meant to be.
BRICE: I don't know. AS friends maybe. It seems like the passion is gone. We don't have the umph. That fire.
DAVE: Wendy sure had fire at the end..
BRICE: Different story entirely.
DAVE: And passion. She was sure passionate when she winged me upside the head with than $350 gravy boat.
BRICE: She did - wow!
DAVE: Yep
BRICE: I loved that china.
DAVE: Too fruffy.
BRICE: Anyways, we talked for a couple of hours and it was very comfortable. Polite. Quite civilized. (Dave chuckles) Too civilized. I almost know what she's about to say. What's she's going to order. What she wore to the lunch.
DAVE: Hello. You've been married for 16 years.
BRICE: I don't know. I mean we get along. The sex is fantastic. It's just... just...
DAVE: That you're a fucking asshole.
BRICE: Excuse me?
DAVE: Did I stutter? YOU'RE - A - FUCK - ING - ASS - HOLE! (Brice stammers) You have the perfect wife - beautiful, smart, sexy. You talk and have great sex. What's the problem?
BRICE: Nothing unexpected ever happens.
DAVE: Unexpected isn't always a good thing. Unexpected causes people to whip fine dinnerware at each other.
BRICE: Marital ennui is a bit different than coming out of the closet during the Macy Parade.
DAVE: It may be, but you've been questioning you and Liz since college. The age-old question is why you keep on sabotaging things. (The phone rings)
BRICE: Why do you do that? You know I hate it when you talk in hyperbole and cliche. And the age-old question has something to do with the meaning of life...
DAVE: Like "why do fools fall in love"?
BRICE: No! That was a song by Frankie Lymon in the Teenagers. (Answers phone) Hello. Gayle, I can't talk now, I'm arguing with Dave...
DAVE: Ask her what the age-old question is.
BRICE: Lunch was fine, thanks for asking. No, it's not "paper or plastic?" - it has something to with the meaning of life.
DAVE: Maybe it's "do you want fries with that?"
BRICE: Jesus - Gayle just said the same thing. No, Gayle, I have to... It's not "boxers or briefs" either...
DAVE: How about "does this make me look fat"?
BRICE: Stop laughing Gayle. I'm hanging up now... No - it has nothing to do with woodchucks either. (Slams phone) Why do you do this?
DAVE: (laughing) Is that your entry? 'Cause it's a little to targeted to...
BRICE: Ever since I'm known you, you think everything's a joke. You took my money and credit cards on my first date with Liz. At the wedding, you paid a pregnant woman to interrupt your toast and make a scene. Even now. You tell your wife that you're gay during the Broadway theatre clips of the Macy's Parade because you thought it was funny. I ask you to move in out of the goodness of my heart and this is how you treat me. I'm in crisis and you're cracking jokes.
DAVE: I'm just trying to lighten the mood.
BRICE: But that's all you ever do. you never help. You just make jokes.
DAVE: And you have no sense of humor, you douche.
BRICE: Douche. That's mature. This isn't junior high, Dave, it's life!
DAVE: You take things too seriously.
BRICE: (crossing to door) And you treat life like it's a damn sitcom. Today I didn't need a laugh track - I needed a friend. You want to know what the age old question is? It's why I still talk to you when you keep shitting on my life. (Exits front door)