(no subject)
well. thinking. it kinda sucks. and i need to just get all this out of my system. so here is everything that i'm thinking about.
i feel like i'm going to fail. at everything. at losing weight, at my relationship, acting, school, at just everything in general. i don't understand why everyday i have such a regular up and down of feelings. one second i feel like shit and cannot stop criticizing myself in my head and then i get a boost of confidence and feel on top of the world three seconds later, which is quickly thwarted. it is really tiring to feel this way. i'm really trying, honestly trying to get myself sorted out, because it isn't fair to joey and it isn't fair to anyone i happen to interact with during the day. i want so badly to be back to normal, i guess. fuck this. seriously fuck this. my heart sometimes feels like it's going to burst because it has been through way too much. i am just rambling now because i don't think there is anyway for my to coherently articulate what i am thinking. because i am not even sure what i am thinking. i am so fucking stupid. i feel the need to work compliments out of joey so that i can get the little confidence boost for that short amount of time because i need that, i feed on that. it's the only way i've been able to keep myself from bursting in to tears every day. i'm really trying to be strong. i am going to fail at everything i try to do, it is inevitable. this past week, i was horrible on my diet despite me being so good and sticking to it for so long, and now i just feel worse and fatter than i did when i started. and i can't stand being alone right now. every time i am in my dorm room alone for more than 10 minutes i start to cry and go crazy. i don't know what's wrong with me but i want it to stop.
i hope nobody read that. it was just me ranting and stuff. i apologize if you did.
i feel like i'm going to fail. at everything. at losing weight, at my relationship, acting, school, at just everything in general. i don't understand why everyday i have such a regular up and down of feelings. one second i feel like shit and cannot stop criticizing myself in my head and then i get a boost of confidence and feel on top of the world three seconds later, which is quickly thwarted. it is really tiring to feel this way. i'm really trying, honestly trying to get myself sorted out, because it isn't fair to joey and it isn't fair to anyone i happen to interact with during the day. i want so badly to be back to normal, i guess. fuck this. seriously fuck this. my heart sometimes feels like it's going to burst because it has been through way too much. i am just rambling now because i don't think there is anyway for my to coherently articulate what i am thinking. because i am not even sure what i am thinking. i am so fucking stupid. i feel the need to work compliments out of joey so that i can get the little confidence boost for that short amount of time because i need that, i feed on that. it's the only way i've been able to keep myself from bursting in to tears every day. i'm really trying to be strong. i am going to fail at everything i try to do, it is inevitable. this past week, i was horrible on my diet despite me being so good and sticking to it for so long, and now i just feel worse and fatter than i did when i started. and i can't stand being alone right now. every time i am in my dorm room alone for more than 10 minutes i start to cry and go crazy. i don't know what's wrong with me but i want it to stop.
i hope nobody read that. it was just me ranting and stuff. i apologize if you did.